I have been living life, but have I really been living?

Ever since I can remember, I have spent so much of my life worrying about things. Worrying about school, my grades, whether I was good enough, whether I was smart enough. I have lived my life trying to be the good person, the nice one. Trying to look good, act right, say less, and always obey without voicing my disapproval.

I have been living my life to the point where I feel like a stranger to myself.

I can barely remember the things I used to love. The colours that made me happy. The hobbies I abandoned because they did not meet society’s standards. The career paths I gave up on because they were not considered professional enough by university standards.

I remember how much I loved drawing as a child. How I always loved talking and talking, expressing myself without a second thought. But being shunned and silenced all the time made me withdraw into my shell. Slowly, I became an adult who speaks only when spoken to, an adult who no longer knows how to speak freely and openly.

I remember how I cried whenever I felt hurt as a child. But as I grew older, my mind became conditioned to believe that men are not supposed to cry. Men are not supposed to be sad. We have to stay strong, keep going, and always appear happy.

And so, I became a packaged adult, or should I say, a humanoid robot? Someone who knows how to mask his emotions, hide his pain, and wear a smile no matter what life throws at him.

I remember when I loved genuinely, when I loved with all my heart. But hurt, betrayal, and excessive consumption of social media slowly turned that love into fear and doubt. They made me question the sincerity of romance and begin to see love as a lie.

You are not supposed to say that. You are not supposed to dress like that. You should not look someone in the eyes when they speak to you.

All the rules and regulations. All the dos and don’ts. All the courses considered worthwhile and those dismissed as useless. The cultures and traditions, the politics and religion.

Somewhere along the way, all these things began to distort the picture of myself I had in my head.

Slowly, I started forgetting who I was.

I silenced my desires to fulfil the expectations of family and friends. I gave up on my ideas and abandoned the version of myself I had always wanted to become.

I got lost. I forgot me.

Instead, I started creating a version of myself that people would like. A version that obeyed all the rules and regulations. A version that acted nice, forgave those who hurt him, and kept smiling even when he was falling apart.

I became a version of myself that was constantly in survival mode, blinded by scarcity, difficulties, and the endless struggle to get the things I wanted out of life.

I was told I couldn’t eat my cake and have it too. I was told I couldn’t always have what I wanted.

I remember asking for a flashy toy when I was little, only to be ridiculed for being greedy and lacking contentment simply because I wanted something I desired.

Somewhere along the way, I learnt to settle.

I became complacent. I settled for whatever I got, even when it was less than I deserved. I accepted the bare minimum. I struggled to be bold enough to ask for a salary raise or a promotion. I found it difficult to voice my desires because I was afraid of being rejected, misunderstood, or labelled ungrateful.

I forgot me.

I read books and attended seminars, trying to improve myself, learn new things, and unlearn the patterns and habits that had contributed to my losing myself.

But somehow, I seemed to lose myself even more.

I learnt new concepts and discovered new terms to describe certain behaviours and experiences. I found explanations for things I had struggled with for years, but sometimes, those explanations only gave names to my struggles without helping me understand who I truly was.

I kept learning, but I only became more confused.

Until one day, the message finally reached me.

Not from a distant place. Not from a motivational speaker or a self-help book.

It came from my sister.

We were chatting one day when she said something that would stay with me for a long time.

She said, “Unique, you are a people-pleaser. That’s one thing I’ve noticed about you. You are my brother, and you are amazing, but you would be even better if you stayed true to yourself. Find your truth and own it.”

Those words struck a chord in my heart.

I became silent that night, lost in thought.

I began to reflect on my life. I had read books to become a better man, a better leader, and a better developer. I had spent so much time trying to improve myself in different areas of life.

But I had never truly learnt how to be a better ME.

I had not learnt how to listen to my desires, honour my passions, and pursue the things that genuinely made me happy.

I had not learnt that I could stand my ground and say NO to people without constantly worrying about whether they would be offended, angry, or disappointed in me.

I had spent so much time worrying about other people that I carried burdens nobody had asked me to carry. I always wanted to be the mature one, the understanding one, the person who seemed to have everything figured out.

I became so consumed by other people’s emotions that I allowed myself to drown in them.

I could hardly say NO to anyone. I feared that people would hate me for it or stop liking me afterwards.

And that became another turning point in my life.

I had to learn that saying NO does not make me a bad person.

I had to understand that I could love people without always pleasing them. I could care about their feelings without making myself responsible for them. I could disappoint someone without being a disappointment.

I had the right to say yes, and I had the right to say no.

And I did not have to feel guilty about either.

So, I started choosing ME.

Not just through words, affirmations, or motivational quotes, but through the little things I did every day.

If I wanted coffee, I would go and get it.

If I saw someone dressed beautifully and felt like complimenting them, I would.

If something made me happy, I allowed myself to enjoy it. If something hurt me, I allowed myself to acknowledge it. If I disagreed with something, I learnt to express my opinion instead of suppressing it just to keep everyone comfortable.

I started listening to myself.

I started honouring my feelings and emotions.

I stopped trying so hard to be the person everyone expected me to be and started embracing the person I genuinely was.

I began to understand that being authentic did not mean being perfect. It meant being honest with myself. It meant allowing myself to grow without losing my identity in the process.

It meant giving myself permission to be human.

To feel. To speak. To create. To make mistakes. To change my mind. To pursue the things I love, even when they do not fit into society’s definition of success.

To exist without constantly seeking permission.

So yes, I went back to ME.

I fell in love with myself again.

I started doing the things I love. Speaking. Writing. Creating. Using my skills and knowledge to make an impact on lives around the world.

And for the first time in a long time, I began to feel fulfilled.

I feel blessed. I feel free. I feel great.

Not because everything in my life is perfect, but because I am no longer abandoning myself in an attempt to make everyone else comfortable.

I am learning to live life on my own terms. To embrace my individuality. To pursue my passions. To speak my truth. To choose myself without feeling guilty for doing so.

And honestly, choosing ME and learning to stay true to myself have been among the greatest decisions I have ever made.

Looking back, I realise that somewhere along the way, I became so focused on becoming a better person that I forgot to ask myself a very important question:

Am I becoming the person I truly want to be, or am I simply becoming the person everyone else wants me to be?

That question changed the way I see myself.

Because the truth is, you can spend your entire life trying to meet expectations, following rules, pleasing people, and becoming everything the world tells you to be, only to wake up one day and realise that you have lost the one person you were supposed to be living for.

YOURSELF.

And I don’t want that for me anymore.

I don’t want to spend the rest of my life being a stranger to myself. I don’t want to keep suppressing my dreams, hiding my emotions, or shrinking my personality just to fit into spaces that were never designed for me.

I want to live. Truly live.

And that begins with choosing myself, every single day.

So, my friend, let me ask you something.

When was the last time you did something simply because YOU wanted to?

When was the last time you said NO without feeling guilty? When was the last time you pursued something you loved without worrying about what people would say? When was the last time you looked at yourself and recognised the person staring back at you?

Do you still remember the things that make you happy? The dreams you had before the world told you to be realistic? The person you wanted to become before you started living according to everyone else’s expectations?

Or have you, too, become a stranger to yourself?

Perhaps it is time to return.

Not to the person you were before life happened, but to the person you have always been beneath all the conditioning, expectations, fear, and need for approval.

The person you silenced.

The person you abandoned.

The person you forgot.

Perhaps it is time to go back to YOU.

And this time, don’t leave yourself behind.

So, my friend, are you going to choose YOU?