You have to separate trading from your life. Or else, all will come crumbling down in a snap and would cause harm to its surroundings.

author remains anonymous. all grammar and spelling has been left unedited

“Never replace relationships/your life with money.” was the phrase I should've listened to said by a mentor. Just a quick background of the relationship I had before, we were both still in college, and ever since covid began we were communicating only through the internet. Just like any other relationship, we wanted to go on trips, and dates, and surely I wanted to buy her cute dresses and everything when things about covid started to change. With that in mind, I wanted to earn money for those things I wanted to do with her. I never had a Job or any source of income yet and all I ever had was time and allowance. Since I’m living near my college university and still studying, I never had to worry about transportation and food with the allowance my parents give me every month. I managed to save up from the allowance I get every month, I thought that it was not enough for me to give her all I want. That’s when I discovered trading through the internet, I was astounded that I could earn money online and specifically from trading candlesticks and currencies. All I ever needed was the Internet, time, and any amount of investment.

Therefore I researched all about these stuff, mostly I was hooked onto trading crypto. What lead me to trade with crypto? It was from these bitcoin mining I saw online and with the very convenient broker I found. I started with $77 in trading (very high amount for a beginner if you ask me), I tried and ofcourse, I never understood in the first place how all these trading works and how would I profit from it. I started with these retail concepts and logic, I had a very fun and productive trading experience as a beginner. I had consecutive wins and gains. Moreover, I kept risking higher and higher with every trade. I indeed kept winning, and I was surprised that it’s this easy to make money through trading, and something hit me, I can now afford all those aspirations I had before I discovered trading. Therefore, I Traded more frequently and Risking higher than I could ever afford to lose. Because all I ever want to do was to bring her everywhere and make her feel the most luckiest woman on earth. I’m doing all these for her. Only for her, All for her.

She was everything I could ever wanted in my life, We spent a lot of quality time together. She accepted my differences and loved me unconditionally, She was the sweetest person I have ever met in my entire life. Mom loved her, My family loved her, Her family does too for me. We both created promises and both dreamt of someday having financial stability and Independence. I promised to myself that I would surprise her on her birthday in the upcoming weeks. All of this was for her, With such great motivation. I developed a habit that I thought was better and that could create a higher rate of success in a short matter of time.

These habits were Overtrading and Overrisking, I was fully aware that these methods were of course risky and potentially could lead to a large drawdown in my portfolio. Ego said I wouldn’t lose, and that I should continue doing it. Overtrading & Overrisking created a large imbalance in my life. My pyschology and emotions went unstable & also my life, I had trouble in the house and in her. We haven't talked much in a week, I spent all week printing money. That’s when it all started, Ego and the selfish demons inside of me grew & were gathering itself such explosive power. My mind/emotions were in deep danger that what would make it burst would only require a tiny amount of inconvenience.

I was getting aware of the situation going inside of me but never really understood what it was and I was confused on how I should manage them effectively . I tried to diverse my attention and ignore these signs of Ego and Greed. Indeed I was in need of help and for emotional attention. I wasn’t very open to her about what I was doing and I kept it all as a secret and 'cause I wanted to surprise her on her birthday.

The most awaited day day came. I nailed a 3RR trade risking over 25% of my portfolio, this took me hours of sleep and time away from my family. As a beginner, this was the shit I've dreaming and I've been waiting for, It is as if I felt like I was a millionaire in that moment. I felt every emotion in my mind, the first thing that I had in my mind right after I nailed the trade was to buy! but then there came the other thoughts (this was the result of sleep deprivation and high amounts of stress I had for the past few days). These thoughts became voices, these voices whispered through my ear that I should drop everything with her and live on with my own life. Those were the selfish demons trying to convince me that I am great enough and I do not need anyone and anything anymore other than what I have in my  portfolio.

I was still in an unstable state in mental/emotional. After the trade, My Ego skyrocketed, Mental and Emotional stability plummeted to the ground. And that’s when these demons burst out and wroke havoc everything in its way. I felt like I wasn’t in my own body and somebody else is controlling it, I straight up talked to her that I wanted to drop everything towards her. It went easy for me to just drop everything, forgetting all of the memories we had together. I threw it all in the trash, I was clouded with these ego identities I created within myself. I didn’t feel anything after that, It made it’s effect weeks after.

There goes on the catastrophic trading sessions I made. with the amount of ego I still have by that time, I still used the high % of risk that I promised myself that I would never use again. I continued trading even I was losing over and over, clinging onto hope that I would nail it again. But that never happened, I was burning my portfolio to the ground, never realized I was already gambling all the money I earned. My pyschology became/developed into a gambler's mindset + was to prove to myself that I could do everything again I did before easily without hard work.

It’s been months since that, felt like it was a dream. All happened in a snap, I still couldn't find and get myself to those winning days I had before. I had to learn my lesson the hard way, and I needed to fix my pyschology and develop strict discipline. And I still haven't figured out to who I'm doing this now for, with her gone. Now, it's all me and myself now.