Today I woke up from a death dream. Death dreams are rare for me and they rarely impact me like this, throughout my childhood I’d say twice a year I’d have visceral dreams of being hunted by a Trex through different environments, and these … were some of the best moments of my life.

However this was my first as an adult, the first one to be so gory, and the first one where I awoke with a deep feeling of … I’m not quite sure right now … this desire for their to be an afterlife, the feeling of how unfair it is to live and for things to just end.

Yesterday I wrote a piece for the sake of writing a piece and I finished it thinking ‘wow, what utter shit’. It was just a rehash of things I’d already written and no longer really believed anymore. This however, hasn’t even ended, but I’m pretty happy. That was a letter to make money, this is a letter for friends and loved ones, for them to see who I really am at heart, a certificate of a moment in my life when I had the joy of creating something that was perfect to me, a snowflake in a design that could only come from me x.

I could not think of a life that would be worthwhile given that at any point, via car or gas explosion, one’s life could come completely to an end. Whether you are my brother who believes in an afterlife or a friend who does not, I still feel you are all living your lives wrong and your children will share the same fait. The question isn’t what’s next, the question is given that it is most certainly going to end, with no doubt, what is the best way to spend my life. I’m not saying don’t live a life of money, … you know what, I was trying to write some advice here, some answers but I couldn’t think anything useful, nothing that was concrete, so I won’t. But I did think, that it’d be nice to write another final piece, another few words for my brother to read or any close friends, just to I don’t know, get a sense that if I did die that I at least left a truly unique piece of me, that piece of me that you think is purely me and not all the bullshit that drives you crazy about me, I’m sorry, and I’m sorry if I don’t die and keep up the bullshit, I’m sorry, I’d bow down to your feet if I could.

My death dream was in typical Mo fashion. Me, 2 black guys (Shola and some typical poor hip hop guy) and an Indian (the indian was either Raaj or Ryan, as in, sometimes it was Raaj and sometimes it was Ryan, most of my dreams have characters played by people switching in and out not sure if you have that to :)). The first 90% was us making jokes about sharing clothes and Raaj/Ryan and Shola getting uncomfortable over the black guy wanting to share trousers and we were making jokes about casting a spell and teleporting to earth to fuck then coming back. Oh yh, the whole dream is set with us as astronauts in a small space station. I never questioned if it was dream, I really thought I was in outer space with my mates, it was perfect. The jokes came to an end and I sent a selfie of me and the earth to Sattish. I saw the facebook messenger screen and saw a conversation it went.

Me - I’m WHOING (reference to doctor who)

Sattish - Lol you watching that nerd shit …… ( then there were 2 other messages but I never really read them fully, I just posted to picture of me in outerspace)

Mo - No Dude, I’m WHOING. *Picture of me in outerspace.

I guess I wanted to surprise him. In this dream there were also many moments I thought of Vinay and was very happy that I was in space with Raaj. And I don’t know how much this’ll mean but now that I’m awake, fuck if that was real would I love it if James was there laughing with me to ( although he would be the most annoying person to be in space with but he’d also be the only person keeping us alive too :)). And whilst I write this, I would really like it, if these were my actual last words, I’d really like if my brother saw this, just to get an idea of who is Brother really is. Yes I drink, Yes I don’t believe in our faith, but this is my heart kid, I met people from all faiths and I found them to be as perfect as you are. My laughs in uni were as perfect as playing with you all day. I often lied to you as a kid and said I had lots of friends, I’m sorry, I never had any friends, you’ve always been to cool one, I only found friends when I was a man, at uni, James, Raaj and even Vinay. They let me hangout with them and were kind to me. Everyone else has just been kinda mean to me to be honest, I’m happy to say that I deserved it if you’re willing to put some blame on mama & papa, not that you need to be angry, they did what they could do, the rest is just Destiny and Fait if you ask me. But this is a topic for a later day, I guess we’ll see once we both die, prematurely or mature.

Anyway, I sent the picture of me in outer space. It was me smiling, one of the few pictures where I actually looked nice as an adult too, I think it’s because I was actually happy rather than just trying to say I am, actually happy. It was a mostly dark picture from the outside and the earth just popping up in its beauty. Like a kipper amount of Earth. It was a beautiful picture, and a hilarious picture to send to Sattish, my brother, as a surprise, Sattish, I’m sorry I haven’t been able to figure out enough about life to make you, Ben and Karan happy, I’m sorry I haven’t been able to figure it out, I’d die before giving up on your peace. And I’d do anything for it.

I had a moment of glee over the perfection of the life I’m living, then the space station began to fall away from the Earth, the falling for faster and faster. My thoughts were oh fuck this is scary. Then the starts became white lines and it hit me that I don’t think this is ever going to stop, I couldn’t move, it still didn’t feel that bad though, it just was what it was, I wasn’t hyper ventilating or screaming no one was, we were all just quite, waiting to see what would happen. I often read that when men saw death right before them and truly felt there was no control they entered into a state of complete bliss. I did not enter this state, I was just in my head. Then the black guy tried to move and got flingged into the wall and I saw his head rip off and his blood smear all over the place, even this didn’t quite get a reaction from me, I honestly I just silently thought, “side character, yep that’s what’s supposed to happen.” Not sure what that means, it was a pretty Rick and Morty esc kinda thing, I don’t think kids should be watching that show man, it’s pretty fucked up and the people who make it aren’t exactly wise. But either way, I saw blood all over the wall and my first loud thought was, “I wonder if I’ll be able to luck out of this one,” then I imagined the funeral and then it sped up more and more, I saw Ryan and Shola and then that was it. I awoke.

The last 4 years of my life have been about learning true peace, so that I could share it with Mama and Sattish. And James, Raaj or Chiara if they needed it. Life if long and death can be cruel. I wanted to know it all. I wanted to spend the time to understand everything so that I was always there for everybody. And even you my brother, for I never ever wish to see you upset, I just don’t know how to make that happen.

That’s why I left our faith, because if there was a true Islam of peace, mama does not have it, the way mama handled your wedding was disgusting to me, and I have nothing against your decision to fuck your cousin, that’s all on you, and I’m sorry if that’s an ugly way to phrase the birth of your child, daughter or son, but I’d be lying if I didn’t phrase it like that too. You did what you did, but mama was uglier than me about it. And I consider it my failure that I was not there to provide the wisdom to stop her. I’m sorry. After 4 years I know nothing. I’m sorry to have put everyone through so much pain and I’m sorry for not being completely honest, I guess I didn’t trust you or was just afraid of everyone making fun of me and losing you. But this path is true to my heart. I want to know completely, with no doubt, I can’t help it, I don’t have a choice, if complete peace is out there. To have no undesirable sensations, through love or death, to be deeply engaged with love and death without any tension, not unwanted thoughts, to be great people. I want this for my mother and father too but I accepted that they might just be lessons for me. But it pains me to think that my friends might be lessons too. That my brother might lose his perfection.

I’m so sorry but I have no choice, I cannot stop myself I am a crack addict.

I have spent 4 years on youtube trying to understand peace. Every thought, during work and night was all dedicated to understanding how to bring peace to my friends now. To sattish, to me, to mama, to farhan, to asim if he needed it, to furqan, to Namrah. To not have my cousins be stupid, misguided, lessons of how not to live your life like all, and I mean all, of my aunts and uncles. However it hits me more and more that this might just be how destiny wants it.

What I want is for their souls to shine. Their uniqueness gifted to them since birth to mature and bring a beautiful fire. To be perfect. Not eating sugar and watching TV, but actually living a life such that the heart will finally stop crying, for it has been crying for too long now. This is my mission. This is what I love more than anything else in reality.

To understand, true, lasting, bliss. And Raaj, meditation will not get you there. Same thing goes for the 5 daily prayers. Just look around you. Look at everyone else, for how many years do you want to be like them. You can do it if you wish, but many years have been spent and close to 100 billion human lives have been spent on such things with no change. Yet there are a few men who were great.

Okay, I’m not gonna re read this shit I’m not a gay lord like sebo ;) love you bud, you too Will and other’s I forgot Sophie, jen and other hoes I didn’t get to bang x. Hopefully it makes some sense, lots of love, keep your Cs away from any As,

kiss kiss, bang bang,

…. MOhammad Arslan Mamoon :)