As long as we have the courage to face the truth and the strength to try, there is no barrier in the world that can not be crossed.
It has been more than a year since the implementation of the “divorce cooling off period”. A few days ago, a group of data from the Ministry of civil affairs exposed:
In 2021, 2139000 couples divorced, down 40% from 2020, and 1594000 couples were divorced.
It’s a little unexpected to see this group of data. Is it that the “effect” of divorce is significant in the cooling off period, the marital satisfaction has increased, and the divorce rate has decreased?
Unexpectedly, another piece of news rushed to the hot search at the same time:
The data of marriage registration in China in 2021 was 7.636 million pairs, only 56.6% of the peak in 2013.
After falling below 10 million pairs in 2019 and 9 million pairs in 2020, the marriage registration data fell below 8 million again.
Many post-90s and post-00s are unwilling to enter marriage, which has become a trend.
#The number of divorces registered in 2021 decreased by 43% # and the number of marriages in 2021 hit a 36 year low #. In fact, the divorce rate increased in 2021.
So the real marriage situation is just like the old saying that “every coin has two sides”. The information should be put together to see if it is effective. Why does the divorce rate decrease, because the marriage rate is not high!
What kind of marriage is indispensable?
According to the survey data of marriage and love in China, only 5% of the total are people who get married and divorced in a flash and get married and divorced hastily.
The result is very obvious. The cooling off period of divorce has not brought much effect. Most divorces are considered.
Divorce is not a joke. Most people decide it after careful consideration.
In fact, people who really want to divorce have to divorce after the cooling off period.
People who don’t want a divorce can calm down automatically.
Marriage may be impulsive, but divorce often takes courage.
From a large number of divorce cases, I found that there are usually four situations for a really divorced marriage:
A quarrelsome marriage
“We are too painful to endure long-term torture.”
A couple quarreled for ten years from the first day of marriage. They kept arguing and exhausted each other.
Until one day, when the man was in his forties, he had a successful career. When he was young, he had to work hard. Under the middle-aged crisis, he suddenly felt that he wanted to live for himself. At this time, it was inevitable to force him away.
An unreformed marriage
For example, the extreme behavior of cheating and domestic violence. One of my students is this kind of divorce. Since childhood, she has experienced her father’s cheating and serious family trauma.
Then when she grew up, she encountered her husband’s repeated infidelity. Her husband and a third party had records of opening a hotel two or three times almost every week. Due to the harm brought by the native family and her husband’s repeated infidelity, she resolutely decided to divorce.
A growing marriage
“I used to live in the illusion, but now I want to live for myself”. Such a divorce is because of people’s growth, and this marriage can no longer carry her emotional needs.
For example, after finding out that her husband was cheating, at first, the woman wanted to keep the marriage, and her husband was returning.
But through this external event, the woman found her husband she “didn’t know” in the past. Finally, she realized that the person she really loved was not her husband, but the fantasy in her heart.
She experienced a crisis, did psychological counseling, and found that the fear of abandonment in her heart made her dare not admit the truth.
After so many years of self deception, it turned out that she didn’t dare to divorce just because of the trauma, so she put down the trauma and found that she had many choices and didn’t have to waste time with this man for this trauma.
This is a growing divorce, but also a reliable divorce.
Unrelated marriage
If you see a couple calmly entering the Civil Affairs Bureau and calmly coming out, such a marriage is mostly more sad than dying of heart. In their eyes, such an outcome is fulfillment.
Their decades of marriage seems to be business, without expectation, surprise, suspicion and resentment. In a word, I haven’t had any emotion for decades, as if I were the most familiar stranger.
Such a marriage is the most irreparable and the most complete death.
Just like Guo Keyu and Zhang He in the variety show goodbye to love, both of them are people who need self-esteem. In order to maintain this self-esteem, neither of them can calmly face their feelings in their hearts and express their feelings directly.
Slowly alienate themselves, do their own work, do not interfere with each other, and their feelings will be exhausted with time.
Will all divorced women regret it?
One of my students once found me. She regretted it a month after her divorce. She said she was too impulsive and had not been considered carefully.
In fact, after divorce, whether impulsive or inseparable, they will regret the same.
Why? Because the pain after divorce is that you seem to split into two yourself.
A rational self and a perceptual self torture each other.
Reason tells itself: this man is too bad to want; The perceptual self will say: if you work harder and be smarter, maybe your relationship will turn for the better.
Therefore, regret after divorce is an inevitable stage for almost all divorced women. But you must know that if you get through this level, you can usher in rebirth.
The reason why men don’t regret divorce is that they will experience the freedom of being single after a period of “free period” and being bound in marriage for too long.
Women’s experience is just the opposite. After divorce, women will first enter the “regret period”.
Especially those who have too many injuries in their marriage may need a longer time to repair the trauma, which is about 2 years.
Because for women, what they lose is not a man, but a relationship and their beautiful self.
So when the other person leaves us, the best part of us will go with it.
Regret is a necessary stage. Don’t rush to deny your decision and the rest of your life. We need time to mourn the happiness that has died.
It is said that marriage is a besieged city, but after several times of besieging, I found that life is not easy either inside or outside the besieged city.
What we can change is not reality, but facing reality