wake up. angry. angry about things that I could have done something about yesterday. but i didn't.

i still want people to be something other than what they are. I'm never going to ask someone to change again. it's just the most frustrating thing ever.

you either are happy with exactly as they are or you are get obsessed that they will not change. idk it's just annoying and so disappointing.

I'm just so pissed at myself. it's going to take so long to unfuck this situation. it's definitely not going to unfuck itself if you keep doing what you are currently doing.

these women are not going to make me full filled. they are not going to change and be what you want them to be. they are what they are. you have to pick on and love what they are as they are.

there is no changing them.

it really hurt me. femininity is very powerful and since it has been devalued by feminist.

I'm realizing that I'm doing this out of pleasure seeking. even the fact that i'm numbering these. i feel anxiety then i come write and find an explanation that makes be feel better. until it doesn't then i look for another. I mean i guess it could be because i haven't found the right one or i'm not being genuine.

or probably that i'm not doing what i want. i don't want to interact with amr any more. she is not the person for me. it was difficult to do what was right, but I should have done that. until i do then the reason it keeps coming up is the reason it keep coming up. it's pretty obvious. today. handle the hard thing today.

I'm still so upset with her. i should be upset only with myself and how stupidly i have been handling this situation. it's been so dumb. i haven't listened to myself in years. i've been frozen. how have i accepted being treated like this for so long. you want to do all this stuff, but you can't even confront this completely obvious thing.

take the weight off. fresh yourself. find the love of life again. wash. rest and come back. You can be stronger than ever. if you can integrate these lessons then you will be so strong. it's honestly exciting what could be possible on the other side of these fears.

you need to call gabe, you need to call amr, you need to text mic, and accept what you are.