Woke up on the struggle bus. It's really hard for me to deal with small annoyances. Today my whole day might be thrown off because there is an apt being renovated in my building and it's insanely loud.

So I spend a ton of my time thinking about how terrible it's going to be for my whole stay in the apartment. Now I'm feeing annoyed and hyper fixated on sounds. Everything feels so loud and harsh.

I probably should have go to the gym. Should. I should have, but I didn't. I'm here. I'm okay. This is what the person who is going to do the correct things decided to do. This is what is because this is what was meant to be.

I've go to game against myself first before I can game against the world.

I'm not always going to make the correct decisions and that's okay. The discomforts of the moment are trivial compared to if I let myself get distracted and distract myself from my primary aims. Speaking of which I keep avoiding those.

I'm not setting my days up for success. I let myself sleep way too much last night. Another should have. Wow, it's insane. I've let my whole life become a chase of things that I should be doing. I'm so addicted to the idea that I'm not correct and that I need to be something else, or listen to other people on what I need to be. I got convinced that I can't do things just by figuring them out.

What else should I be doing? I should be 'nice' to women. I should work hard. I should be successful.

I need to talk about women. I don't love my behavior, or I feel I shouldn't love my behavior. It is what it is. But I'm worried about what my oracle said, she has been so spot on about everything.

I don't want to get someone pregnant that I'm not fully in love with. I know I could have a good life still if it happened. But lot's of doors would close. Seem like a simple case of self control to me.

I really like spending time with her. But I don't want to marry her. It's kinda such loser energy that I have been maintaining this relationship like this. I'm using her, I keep trying to convince myself that I'm not but at this point I am. I don't like who she is, not because she is bad. She is honestly such a beautiful soul and has taught me so much and I feel I have been good too her. But I know it's not going anywhere and she is hoping that it will go somewhere. I have communicated that it's most likely not going anywhere, but I lied. I made up a reason why. When the real reason is that I don't love her. I wouldn't want to introduce her to my family or friends. I just want to spend time with her while I figure something else out, while I figure out my life, or whatever. I also keep telling other people something different than what I show her.

But then I am torn because it's so nice how she treats me and I like taking care of her. We really do have a nice thing going. But it's based on this one part of our dynamic and honestly it's because of how poorly Amr treated me in comparison. Not that it's all amr's fault, but she wasn't sweet with me and didn't try to give me anything. She really expected everything and offered nothing.

Amr was not good to me. I really feel like this was true objectively. I wasn't the best, I acknowledge that but I was so sweet to her. I was committed, I gave her a chance after she kissed someone early in our relationship.

I don't want to be with either of these women. Why in the fuck am I spending time with them, why am I dishonoring myself, my own thinking and feelings so much.

I've been so focused on treating them correctly because society told me that I was a man and I had to be extra careful and nice. Lol I get so fustrated just imagining what amr might say to be telling her I don't want to do this anymore.

Someone either is or is not acting just like what you need or not.

I'm not going to get far is I have to worry about this for the rest of my life. What a burden I have been putting myself through. I have spent so much of my mental space on figuring out how to peacefully interact with amr. I honestly give up. I don't want to do it anymore. I'm also such a loser for what I have done and said up to this point. It's kinda sad.

I'm trying to call myself a loser so that it forces a change in my mind but I know that is not the way. I am what I am.

now I'm trying to remember how I'm supposed to think about this so that I do the correct thing.

it's an understanding. do I understand what I'm doing? Do I understand who it affects me? Right now? what is going on with me?

What is going on. what is going on? what is likely to happen? who am I?

Who I am is the precursor to all of that. depending on who I am shows me what is important.

Who I am and what I want. That's all that matters. The path will become clearer the more these are clarified.

So have I actually made a decision on mi and amr? or am I just clearing these thoughts so that I forget about them and do what I was already doing?

I'm not that guy and I certainly don't want to become the guy that does that type of thing. Life is too short. Fuck it do what you think you should do. Don't worry that you are doing what other people think you should not do.

also you are smart. no its not that, it's that you care. not it's that you are serious in your sincerity about acting in alignment with the truth. I trust me the most to recognize the truth, to move into alignment with it and correct when necessary.

right now though. The truth is not even you believe yourself right now. That's the biggest issue with amr, is that you believed her when you should not have. Just never believe what people say they want to be, believe what they currently are.

Honestly, it's what ris is showing you he really is to me. He is being avoidant and not caring. Let that shit go.