okay putting everything to the side and talking about who I am.

I think I'm so cool. I have come to such an appreciation for myself, after living in such a place of lack. I have lived in the world from my place of awareness. That's it's not even me observing the world, it was someone else, or my awareness.

seeing from that deep part of my mind. observing, not judging always but noticing. I would make decisions based on this information but with less thought.

this was pretty good way to be but my interactions with the world have been limited by what will happen to me. Not what I want to happen or what I bring into the world. I just waited to see what happened to me and would deal with it. I learned such humility in the face of change and obstacles from life.

I will need that forever.

Now I need to start interacting with the world and asking it for what I need and more what I see. For what is passing through me. For what I am the conduite for, ignore all the noise.

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My mother and steve jobs probably shaped me the most in my life. My mother told me to be the best at everything I set out to do and steve told me that more was possible than I might have been lead to believe.

Both of these messages resonated with me deeply. Sometimes I feel fake for wanting to be great. Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting gifts or not living up to my potential if I'm not doing more and becoming more.

It has felt like I was not enough. That I had to become something else, that I had to treat others by someone else's code or I would be a bad person. Particularly women, that I had to treat them in a certain way or I would not be good. Also loosing my mom, having so many sisters, and the feminism movement all combined in a way where I felt I was supposed to treat women like men and that I had to adjust myself in such a way to accommodate all their needs.

What a recipe for disaster or could be. To some extent that's good, but it's missing a key ingredient which is as a man it's important to maintain your purpose above all else, because you can't have a good relationship if your purpose is not maintained. A normal man, or one like me, must maintain their purpose and a women must decide that's the path she wants to be a part of.

-- tangent to renenforce to myself that I am not going to add frustrating explainers to what I say anymore, I'm not accounting for other people assumptions and misunderstandings. It's amazing how that's so programed into how I think and feel. But this is just me. So I can say only exactly what I mean. I chose my words carefully and usually my meaning is contained within the words.

I believe that I need to have my purpose and the women I'm with will see that is who I am and decide. If I don't maintain my purpose and ability to provide, then she will not be interested in me anyway. Quite honestly she should not be either. So I have to maintain the boundaries of who I am with her with ruthless precision. I will lead us to a beautiful place, I will be dedicated to her wants and needs. I will give her everything she wants in life, it will bring me join to make her wishes come true. To explore life with her.

amr just isn't that. I must bend to her wishes. I must be what satisfies her needs. I must listen to her world view and I must agree with her.

She doesn't appreciate me, she is like I'm so great I deserve something amazing. I'm so good that I could get something just as good as you. You are not that important, you are not that great.

She only talks about how I'm great when I express how I feel she is not supportive. I have given her so many chances. I get so emotionally disturbed thinking about her. She is toxic. I have been avoiding ending things with her.

It's kinda not fair to her because she is not learning the lesson and I'm, not leading her on but it's just not good to no be honest. That's it I'm not being honest.

Then this lying to myself its really starting to affect me. I'm not acting in congruence with myself and what I believe. Not doing this has affected all other areas of my life.

That's really not good at all. It seems so obvious now that I write it down. I'm sorry to myself. I'm sorry I haven't believed you. You are so good at finding the truth. I'm honestly so amazed with you.

It's kinda amazing. I need to never loose touch with myself again. I'm very disappointed, but I understand now. I get it. It's so subtle the difference between not knowing and knowing. When I know I have to truth that I know. I have to listen and I have to honor myself and I have to follow through regardless of what other people are saying. I am so very influenced by others.

It's good to hear other opinions but my purpose and the thread on my thoughts must remain primary. If I'm not deeply integrating the ideas into my purpose and my thoughts then I will loose touch with myself. I need to rebuild the relationship with myself. I don't trust myself, I feel that I do understand now. However, I can't trust if I don't see the action. I have to maintain the standards I want for others with myself.

I need to start doing what I feel is right. I'm so annoyed I have wasted so many years not doing that. But I'm glad it was really only 2 years. That said, I will be incredibly happy if I'm truly ready to learn this lesson. I'm so scared about the one risk. I need to end it this is crazy anxiety I am giving myself. I'm insane for doing this to myself. I'm fucking around and if I keep fucking around I'm going to find out. I don't want to find out. I need to do the hard things and even if it means I don't get that fix.

Which like bro, you think you are going to be able to navigate any of the things you believe you can if you can't control yourself here with this.

You will get lost in the sauce, what if there was malicious intent? You would be rekt. This is a good test, this will show you who you are. You are showing yourself who you are everyday. The rest of you will act in alignment with who you show yourself to be.

These are entry level problems. Don't think with your dick, don't think with you feelings and how you should treat people.

Think for yourself act in alignment with the self you want to be in all areas of your life. What do you really want to become.

I understand the negative affects of lieing to yourself and to others. It's not pretty. The mind has to then tell all these stories to make itsself feel better and are distracting and separate itself from reality.

<break>

my mind was already trying to convince myself that it was okay to maintain these relationships. with ichi I can just be honest with her or only interact with her in a way where I'm safe. But I would be using her or accepting really bad behavior from her that would ultimately affect me negatively. Again trading short term pleasure for long term pain. With amrita, honestly I get nothing from this relationship except someone who's emotions I need to maintain. I have to work to keep her in a good mood. She is self sustainable and all else equal that is nice, but dear god if I make a decision based on that. I'm lost for good, operating from fear is the path of ruin.

Truth is I hate that I'm even in the place where I have to consider these things, it's good. This is where I am, but I clearly let my standards for myself fall so far down.

It's going to take some time to build them back up. I'm not even able to focus on what will move me forward yet. I'm covered in a mess of emotions and mistakes. I have to get this figured out and never revisit this place again.