I do enough for my children is not a thought that most parents think.
Just as there are too many postcard places to visit, so too is the finitude of what you can do for your offspring.
Despite the impossibility of giving them everything (whatever that means), we still feel guilty – I owe them, we think. Oftentimes, we throw money at the problem, buying our children material things to soothe our guilt. That’s probably a mistake.
There are two primary considerations when spending money on ‘things’ for your children:
Have I budgeted for this expenditure?
Will it be good for them?
If the answer to the first question is no, then you’re going to put yourself under varying degrees of financial stress by swiping. That has ramifications for the second question.
Kids with high self-esteem – is there anything more important? – usually have parents who pay attention to them.
Time spent worrying about your finances or working your way out of debt, thanks to guilt-induced material spending (GIMS), is time not spent with your children.
But even if you have the budget, you may want to say no.
Sometimes we buy things for our children to cheer them up, or as a reward for an achievement. These are the two motivations for GIMS that can negatively impact the development of children.
The former teaches them that material goods are the medicine for difficult feelings, the latter that the attainment of ‘things’ is the ultimate goal in life.
Both are dangerous beliefs because the rush of receiving material goods doesn’t last. To feel better or recognised again, more buying is required.
This puts their future well-being, to say nothing of your finances, on precarious ground.
Children who always get what they want don’t learn how to process disappointment. They turn into entitled adults. How many good ones of those do you know? Exactly zilch.
The simple awareness that buying material things for your children has a dark side is one way to reduce GIMS. In its place, try the following:
Spend money (within budget) on experiences you can share with your children
Spend time encouraging the growth of their friendships and interests
Spend time or money on those in need to show your kids the power of giving
Of course, there will be instances where material things – like a cricket bat or violin or books – may benefit your children. If you have the budget, go ahead. If not, be honest, tell them you can’t afford it.
These alternatives to GIMS will help your children build enduring self-esteem and strong character, without compromising your finances. What’s more, they’ll grow into adults free from the suffocating grip of materialism.
The temptation to send your children to a school you can’t afford is motivated, at some level, by guilt – why should their potential be constrained by my failure to earn enough money, the thinking goes.
But if it was that simple, there wouldn’t be failed adults who were schooled privately and vice versa. Clearly, there are other factors at play.
As we’ve already discussed, putting yourself into financial difficulty can, inadvertently, subvert your child’s self-worth. And the reality is that low self-esteem has the potential to undermine the best education money can buy.
It’s hard to look at something so emotive in a rational light. But you should at least consider the possibility that sending your child to a school you can’t afford might be to their detriment.
In summary, then, less is often more.