I’m sitting at my childhood desk in my childhood home where I spent 15 years of my life. Looking to my right I see a “FOR SALE” sign planted in the front yard. It should read “SALE PENDING”. Last week an offer was received and accepted. However, the understanding that it is sold, but not yet shown as sold, seems metaphoric in a sense.
The world doesn’t know the change occurring behind the doors of our house. They don’t know there’s already been a kickstart in the moving process. Or an exchange of emotion that has carried weight so heavy it could sink a ship. They aren’t aware.
Yet one day the realtors will come by and plop a “SOLD” sign so the world can see the change. So the world knows a change was made behind closed doors. I could be wrong — maybe the world will see a “SALE PENDING” in the next few days — but as I sit here at one of the most pivotal times of my life relating a wooden sign to internal changes I’ve been striving to make in my life, I hope the world does not see that sign. It’s an odd example that seems to fit the script.
Self-reflection is hard. It causes feelings of embarrassment from cringe-worthy memories. It causes terror remembering situations you barely escaped. It takes courage to be honest with yourself, about yourself. You were at Point A and decided you need to get to Point B. Internally, you made that choice. But there is no “I AM CHANGING” sign planted on your forehead. The world has no clue. For me, these blogs have acted as my “SALE PENDING” sign. Not because I want you to know I am changing, but because I don’t know the best way to change. There is no set of instructions or guided directions so you know you are changing. There is no array of understood emotions that once you feel you can finally say “okay now I am making a change”. I’m just making this up as I go. I am using this creative outlet as a platform to both kickstart and document my change. A platform that enables me to look back on my journey. It has helped me tremendously and I thank you for taking the time to read my novice, probably monotone, writing.
4 months ago I set out on a journey to redefine the role alcohol played in my life. This has proven to be the hardest self-reflection I’ve done. The last dragon to slay before you reach the kingdom type of stuff. At least that was my hope when I set out on this journey.
I’m starting to understand alcohol. I don’t fully understand, but I have begun to understand the magnitude of stress and anxiety it puts on your body. The way it affects your immune system and your sleep at night. It has been an interesting journey thus far. I want to preface these reflections with the following:
I have not been completely dry of alcohol in the past 4 months, but I can count the number of times I’ve been drunk on 1 hand.
I am almost 1 month without a drink as of writing this. This is a huge accomplishment for someone who was drinking most weekends for as long as I can remember.
Here are some observations I’ve made during the last 4 months of my life:
Exercise — started doing yoga and taking pilates classes. Not only am I working out more, but the quality of my exercise has gotten exponentially better. I am immersing myself in them more than ever.
Sleeping better — less restless during my sleep, falling asleep quicker, waking up in a better mood. My Oura Ring has given me some cool data: my sweet spot seems to be between 7 and 8 hours of sleep each night.
Clearer mind — battle almost zero bouts of foggy brain (this is normal IMO, people just get tired and don’t think properly, causing brain fog). But one, there has been almost none, and two, if I do get some it is most definitely not hangover brain fog. I am taking better care of my mind. Specifically, I started taking Green Vibrance Superfood and Fish Oil. I like to think these are not placebo effects. My mind is thanking me!
Finding faith — not just religiously, although that has come back, but faith in the future. I have a different outlook on life only 4 months in. Working towards smaller attainable goals compounds results to reach the larger goal 2 years from now.
Exploring my curiosity — meeting new people via dates, dinners, and events, finding new coffee shops in the mornings, and walking around different parts of NYC. I have always been curious, but now that I don’t party as much it’s flaming inside of me. I have traded satisfying my ego for satisfying my curiosity.
Better relationships — my friendships have increased in meaning and purpose. Conversations have been deeper and questions more intense. Sexually and intimately things have slowed but when you eliminate the drunk party scene ultimately you’ll eliminate some sex.
All of the above can be looped into one category: Finding what I truly enjoy.
Cliche observations, yes, but they are real. You might say, “I think you could have found this happiness with alcohol every weekend”. To that, I say “I disagree.”
There hasn’t been an aha-type moment yet where I miraculously feel the change or flip of the house sign type moment. Maybe one day there will be? For now, I am living the same life with a new sense of appreciation. As of this moment, I am certain of one thing — alcohol has been a roadblock to progression, but this sober curious lifestyle has allowed me to detour.
Cheers,
Cam
“There is no better high than discovery.”
― Edward O. Wilson