4 months sober.
There are a few untold truths about sobriety.
Bettering oneself by limiting alcohol consumption is a path forward for most. Sobriety discussions are now normal. This was not always the case. For most, there was this fear of being exiled from society if you did not drink. Society assumed that if you stopped drinking, you were an alcoholic. That the alcohol had a stranglehold on you, you couldn’t control it. This fear of judgment has, by itself, prevented many folks from starting their journey even if they were curious. Couple the fear of judgment with the somewhat antiquated resources to assist anyone curious about sobriety and you have a roadblock.
AA doesn’t work for everyone. In fact, the long-term success rates are low. That is not to say it hasn’t saved lives. It has. I have friends in AA and they love it! What I’m saying is, factually it doesn’t work for most. Resources for the sober community were at one point limited. It was AA or nothing.
However, over the past decade (arbitrary, but I have noticed it most in the past few years) we have seen an explosion of new books, new journalism, content creators, courses, and communities built around sobriety. Your questions are easily answered. Your yearning for a community is easily attainable. It’s all at your fingertips thanks to the internet. For that, I am thankful.
These are all truths.
The process of becoming sober is lonely.
Yeah, I know I just listed plenty of reasons why it shouldn’t be: online communities, resources on the internet, and increased curiosity among the younger generation (see my previous post about sobriety).
Many things shouldn’t be what they are, but they are. Like how the Great Pyramid of Giza was built. Makes absolutely no sense. Or why do people say “same difference” Like what? You shouldn’t be saying that. Just kidding.
Back to things.
Living sober isn’t lonely. You learn to love and appreciate new aspects of life. You meet new people. You find new passions. This is the perspective you should be trying to obtain. This is all great.
It’s the process of becoming sober that is emotionally lonely.
The self-reflection process is lonely. You cannot self-reflect with the help of anyone else. That’s not self-reflection. That’s receiving outside counsel.
Introspection by itself is tough but necessary.
Introspection about sobriety is borderline unfair. It’s not spoken about enough. Maybe that’s because it was never made public that people feel lonely. People are given sponsors in AA to guide them and talk to them. Maybe they talk about their loneliness together and that’s great, but for the people who aren’t participating in AA, I want you to know you are not alone!
The loneliness emotion is only 1 of 8 points on what I am calling:
Old Normal: the life you wish to leave behind
Sober Curiosity: the initial curiosity around becoming sober
Decision: the decision to leave behind the Old Normal
Euphoria: the high-like feeling you get from making a change
Trance: the almost-stagnant state you live in when you realize “now what”
Loneliness: the loneliness one experiences when they think no one can relate to their change
Understanding: realizing you are happy because you get to live an entirely new life
New Normal: the new life you’ve created begins
I am now declaring this the beginning of a new 8-part writing series: The Sobriety Curve. I had no idea this was going to happen. Writing is cool. Maybe this piece will act as the “6. Loneliness”? Idk. Either way, this is how I think about the process of becoming sober. These are the emotions I have experienced or expect to experience.
It is important to note there is no fixed timeframe for the duration of this 8-point experience. It varies based on each person. Some people skip a few steps (although I disapprove and think this isn’t beneficial), and some move backward. It’s a move at your own pace, but regardless of how you move, the emotions won’t. You can’t avoid them.
Currently, I sit at stage 6: loneliness. I feel like I am almost where I want to be.
I am having a hard time dealing with all of the other emotions I have just experienced. It’s overwhelming. I miss the initial high of changing my life. I miss the curiosity stage. I miss sharing with others who ask! BUT, I am almost at the understanding stage! I am almost towards my new normal.
Loneliness is this feeling that no one can relate to your current situation. Wrong. I can!
There are many folks out there who can also relate to your feelings. I hope this helps and I look forward to starting this new writing series with you soon.
Cheers,
Cam
“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.”
— Leo Tolstoy