Many people in life are like this. They avoid intimacy because they are afraid of losing expectations and being hurt.
“As a person, I like to walk side by side. I have to shrink in the last row by bus. I don’t want to contact anyone.
I’m afraid I’ll die as soon as I take out my heart… “
It was this sentence in the trailer that attracted me to see “give you a little red flower”.
Wei Yihang, the protagonist of the film, is a patient with secondary brain tumor. From the day of diagnosis, he lost his desire to live.
He has no friends and doesn’t want to make friends. When you get along with others, you always shrink in your own safety zone. You don’t want to have too much contact with the world, let alone more obstacles in your life.
However, when he met the person he liked and finished this sentence with the strength of wine, the audience understood his inner vulnerability.
A person who wants to hang up at any time, how much he wants to be cared about, how much he is afraid of being cared about.
This is not the most tearful scene in the movie, but it makes me cry the most. Because I am also such a person. Although I am healthy and won’t hang up at any time, I am still afraid of making contact with others.
Not only me, but many people in life are like this. They avoid intimacy because they are afraid of losing expectations and being hurt.
You might say, “since such people avoid intimacy, I don’t care.”.
In fact, it’s not. The more people avoid intimacy, the more they will keep changing objects. You are very likely to meet such people.
I have a male friend with good conditions. I basically change my girlfriend once every three months.
People who don’t know him think he is a real scum man, but after a deep chat, I know his inner fear.
He will also be serious and committed in the early stage of love, but once the relationship has progressed or stabilized, he begins to be afraid:
Fear of intimate contact with each other, fear that you can’t give the same attention to each other, fear that you will hurt each other
As a result, when the woman becomes more and more involved in her feelings, he begins to become indifferent and uses various methods to avoid the further development of the relationship or find an excuse to break up.
“Scum” is a character problem, which is deliberately done; But avoiding intimacy is a psychological problem and an instinctive fear.
One of the most obvious manifestations of avoidant attachment is the constant pursuit of intimacy and the constant change of love objects.
But this crowd will also have some hidden characteristics, which make you cold and hot, and don’t understand what he is thinking.
For example:
It’s hard for you to judge whether he loves you or not;
Sometimes he is as close to you as a normal lover, and sometimes he is very close to you;
He put great emphasis on the sense of boundaries in the relationship and hated being checked and privacy being violated;
When there is a conflict, he either avoids the problem or explodes at one point;
He always misses the past relationships, or likes people who are impossible to associate with.
If your partner often has this problem, it is mostly caused by “avoidant attachment”.
Wei Yihang’s brain tumor treatment is very difficult. Even after resection, there is the possibility of recurrence, just as he said: he will die at any time.
Therefore, I can understand why he doesn’t dare to contact people. A person who can’t even save his life can’t have the energy to pay attention to emotion.
But why do ordinary people avoid intimacy?
The baby’s original maternal love was not fully satisfied
It’s human nature to be close to what you like. Babies naturally want to be close to their mother and need her love and attention to grow up healthily.
However, if, in the process of growing up, the mother does not meet the needs of the baby, but shows neglect, impatience and disgust, the baby will not get enough original maternal love, which has a great impact on one’s psychological security.
People who have not been loved will panic when they meet love.
When the other party’s “love” and “giving” awaken their desire for love, the feeling of being rejected and ignored will also be awakened.
In order to avoid being hurt again by their “feelings”, they had to isolate and suppress their feelings.
As long as you don’t desire others’ love, you won’t be hurt - that’s what avoidant attachment people think.
Think that perfection will get love, and the real self is not worth being loved
Children are also used as examples:
When a child is accused of poor grades and praised for good grades, his heart will equate “good grades” with “loved”.
Then, in order to get the love of his parents, he will try his best to improve his grades, either study hard, cheat, or other methods
In order to get along with others normally and even attract others’ love, people with avoidant attachment often disguise a “false self”.
You like him to have high EQ, take care of others and have a degree of hesitation. However, this may be his “packaging” for himself.
For them, intimacy means that I have to take off my mask and reveal my true self to you, but I am afraid that this imperfect or even ugly self will not be accepted by you.
After all, even their parents will dislike the real themselves, not to mention others?
Therefore, in order to maintain the mask of “false self” and avoid being despised by others, they simply stay away from intimacy.
What’s worse, attachment types affect each other.
When faced with an avoidant personality that is hot and cold and ambiguous about your love, most people will be inspired with “anxiety” traits, such as:
Growing desire for intimacy;
Very worried about being rejected and abandoned, lack of security;
Often get angry rather than solve problems;
Suspicion of partner infidelity, resulting in a strong desire for control.
Chasing and running one by one can easily lead a happy couple into an anxiety avoidance trap.
In this trap, each other has a strong sense of sacrifice.
You will think: “I am so kind to you, why don’t you ignore me and love me?”
The other party thought, “I’ve given you enough responses. What else do you want?”
Both of them felt uncomfortable. A strong sense of sacrifice gave birth to mutual resentment, and then the conflict intensified.
So, what should a partner do in the face of avoidant attachment?
Don’t push, give each other space
Avoidance people like to retreat when they encounter problems. In short, the conflict scares them away and makes them retreat back to their own safety zone.
and