"So will the both of you get married this August or September? Tell me me about her."
Silence in the face of a question repeatedly asked by my father. I can't bring myself to say it. If I say it, it'll become real. If I say it, I acknowledge the actuality. The words I fear to speak would thoroughly trace the outline of where she once was, an outline where the memory remains so vivid that I feel her head against my chest in each other's embrace. Yahweh, please, I beg you; help me through this. I stand weak against this grief, and I can hardly find the privacy to break.
Yeshua, cleanse me of all the speculative questions and visions if they are not from you. I remain too afraid to acknowledge this reality. The burden is heavy, Lord, I beg you, please help me find rest or some sense of outlet to channel it. I feel nauseous and on the verge of vomiting; my head feels heavy, and the lump in my throat is far too prominent. I'm lost, God. I'm truly lost. She was my last semblance of belonging where I felt accepted, and even that is gone, for my pain was beyond her capacity to accept.
I have no one beyond you, Lord, for my world has become devoid of any safety or connections. Your church is far too busy, and my burden is far too heavy. They've appreciated my writing for a moment, but patience eventually runs thin, for how long can someone empathize? Each friend has their own path to tread, and I must now tread mine alone, for I was always meant to be alone. It is only in being alone that I stand before you, Lord. I miss her, Lord, thoroughly. I miss her hands in mine as we prayed out to you. Our prayer had strength for it was our prayer that touched your Spirit to bring us our jobs.
I am surrounded by a plastic society of depravity clothed in modernity. Wolves in sheep's clothing surround me, Lord, for each is chasing wealth so effervescently at the cost of one another. Your church and followers have been my only respite, and even then, I find myself away from them to make time for my worldly father. I crave your presence, Lord. I thirst for your healing and righteousness as a parched leaf for a droplet of rain; A droplet of your presence would fill my being for this mortal body's lifetime, yet I am greedy, Lord, to be awash in your glory through which my grieve is but a droplet in the ocean.
I spoke the words, Lord. I spoke the words through the courage that you gave me. My partner has chosen to leave me. Fickle was her faith in our relationship, and so she walked away. Scarce was her understanding, so she chose to leave me rather than understand me. Lord, I long for her deeply, and so I plead that you cauterize the wounds of the torn tethers so that I may no longer long for her when she so clearly made her decision. Let every ounce of pain over her loss be a moment of praise for your presence, Lord, for your love and acceptance is far greater than any that I could ever hope for from any human.
Lay your eyes upon my weakness, Lord, so that your strength may be made perfect within me by the Holy Spirit. Let my heart and mind's words be a bubbling brook that puts out the scorching flames of my longing, Lord, for the absence of my beloved burns with a deeper presence than I could have ever imagined. Let the blood of your Son cleanse me of bitterness, Lord, for my grief oscillates between anger, bargaining, and denial. By your Spirit, Lord, empower me to not remember the former things and not to consider the things of old. Open my eyes to the new things that you'll do, to the roads in the wilderness you'll create and the rivers in the desert.
Let your presence be a river of living water in the scorching desert of my longing, through which my thirst is quenched. Let your presence be a road through the wilderness of my grief so that I may be guided through it by the Holy Spirit.
In Jesus' name, Amen.
The Tightrope
I walk a tightrope
with a flame in hand.
I can't just scream yet,
or I'll fall apart.
-
I must keep walking
to find the shower.
Somewhere where screaming
is not a threat.
-
A place where these flames
may, at last, be felt
in pain of all the
love that has left me.
-
There is a weight that
I must carry now.
If flames affect me
then all things will fall.
-
I feel quite nauseous
during this walk.
I can't throw up yet
until I'm through.
-
There's much to carry,
but not with might.
It is the Spirit
that heals this blight.
-
I sit in stillness
for God to fight.
I pray through illness
and healing comes.
-
Though I carry flames,
the Lord has declared
that I will be healed.
Thus, it is proclaimed
that my joy is near.