I recently lost someone who was important to me. However, I am grateful, because I learned major lessons, systematic methods, and insights on overcoming and growing from hardships. I will divide this piece into two parts. In this essay, I will share (i)-(iii):

(i) How to deal with your emotions

(ii) How to accept criticisms or feedback by objectively viewing the situation

(iii) How to make an apology

I will explore (iv)-(v) in the following essay.

(iv) How to identify and define underlying problems

(v) How to change your behaviors by setting constructive goals based on your takeaways from (iv)

(i) The first thing you need to do is process and accept your emotions. You will become overwhelmed by a whole array of negative emotions — shock, fear, grief, sadness, rage, and shame — and physical symptoms, such as dizziness or stomachache. Every time I encounter these emotions, I have written down my raw feelings in my journal. I tried to identify the emotions I am feeling and write them explicitly as possible. I made sure that all these emotions are written on the same page even if they are written over time to be able to revisit and reflect on the change of my emotions. However, if these emotions are becoming self-destructive, I would recommend making an appointment with a therapist. Moreover, working out is one of the best ways to deal with emotions. I still went to CrossFit (I am an avid CrossFitter.), which made me feel a lot better and happier through the process. I also kept in contact with other people that I can trust, and I am so thankful that they were there for me during this time.

(ii) While it is incredibly difficult, it is essential to increase your objectivity to enhance understanding of reality. It helped me to accept criticisms or feedback from the situation rather than projecting my fears and insecurities. When I received the feedback, I tried to write down the objective and comprehensive reality, such as the exact conversations or actions that occurred. I made sure to put down their feedback verbatim rather than moderating their languages, influenced by my emotions. Moreover, I put in effort not react to any of the circumstances when I am jotting down. I visualized myself that I am a journalist in pursuit of truth. Also, I put this objective account on a separate page from the account of my emotions that I have created in (i).

(iii) By reflecting on your behaviors objectively, you might discover your past wrongdoings. Hence, it is imperative that you make a good apology. There are five steps in creating a sincere and complete apology. First, you need to recognize the offense that you have committed. Show the other party that you have a clear understanding of your hurtful behaviors. Second, you need to verbally acknowledge that your behaviors have caused harm to the other party. It is easy to fall into the trap of invalidating or minimizing others’ emotions — make sure you don’t, because it communicates to the other party that you don’t feel bad about what you have done. If you skip the acknowledgement, then it is not an apology. In fact, invalidating the other party’s emotion could worsen the conflict between you and the other party. Third, include a statement of regret and responsibility. However, be sure to take responsibility for your part in the conflict. While it is very likely that you do not have full responsibility for the situation, you should recognize your wrongdoings and show regret for your actions. Lastly, do not expect to be forgiven. Apologizing can help you maintain integrity, but remember that the other party has no responsibility to forgive you or continue a relationship with you, given that the relationship was established voluntarily in the first place. You have a higher chance that you will be forgiven if you follow the steps above, but it is important to remember that the probability that you will be forgiven is not 1. You have done everything you can if you have made a sincere and complete apology from your end, so now it is your time to move on to step (iv) to form takeaways and build a better life for yourself.

If you lost someone but found yourself, you won. No matter how much it can hurt you now, you will look back and thank yourself for how far you have come. By following this systematic approach (wait for the next piece, which is super important to grow!), I found out that I am much stronger than I thought, and I am sure you will find that as well. So, hang in there, you all.