Yesterday I woke up at 7am feeling Energized.

The moment I opened my eyes I knew it was going to be a good day. My head was clear, my body mostly pain free. My senses and abilities felt accessible, even—functional.

But throughout the day there’s a lurking sense that I’ll spend too much of this precious energy. That if I work too “hard” or focus for too long there will be a price to pay. My disease always demands its pound of flesh.

The fear of working too hard is knew to me. For a decade I believed I wasn’t trying hard enough, wasn’t working smart enough and wasn’t disciplined enough. A decade of self-torture. A decade of delusion. A decade of crippling (literally) pain.

The ghosts of my childhood haunt me. Being labeled an “underachieving” and “slacker” are the fertilizer that feed my desire to prove everyone wrong.

Now I now that I know my body and mind suffer from PEM (post exertional malaise) otherwise known as “post-exertional neuroimmune exhaustion.” And I’m scared.

For ten years I calloused my mind and spirit and coached myself to believe I could achieve anything I desired. For ten years I failed. But failure is temporary.

Knowing that my ability to grit my teeth and revel in pain is exactly the reason I’m still suffering is…something I still haven’t fully processed.

Paradoxically, I’m my own worst enemy. But I can change. I can slow down. I can heal if I allow myself the time and space to heal.

Today I’ve let go. I’ve given up.

I surrender.

So that I can return stronger, wiser, and more determined than ever to fulfil the promises I made to myself.