I was watching a new Youtube channel started by a tech bro that I admire. He’s an original thinker, a prolific maker, and an iconoclast.

Surprisingly he hasn’t gained that much attention on the dominant channel for tech bros: Twitter. He’s “openly conservative” and his ideas are too radioactive for the sanitized, politically correct environment the alphabet people have manufactured over the last decade or two. (Note: many people think “wokism” started somewhere around 2015, but the millstones of the woke left have been turning for decades and we’re just starting to see the grist (grift) they’ve produced).

When I read this particular tech bro’s blog and watch his new Youtube channel I get the impression that he is a man of truth. Someone who values integrity. That his internal dialogue is congruent with the things he says. That he is trustworthy. That he speak his version of the truth.

Last night I went to sleep around midnight and woke just after 6am without my alarm. When I opened my eyes I immediately triaged my condition—as I’ve instinctively done every morning for the past decade. Am I utterly exhausted? Does my body feel like a lead cannonball? Does my brain feel like a dollop of mercury? Can I think? Do I feel like killing myself?

Shockingly all was well. I then spent the next 15 minutes debating if I should go for a run or hit the gym. I WANT to go for a run. I love working out. For some time it was my only refuge from a crippling anxiety. Now I know that working out is the very thing that impedes my healing. I can’t schedule workouts. I have to feel my way through each day. Like a child crawling in the dark in a smoke filled house, desperately trying to escape.

I decided that 6 hours of sleep was probably not enough. My body’s primary objective is healing and to heal I need rest. I went back to sleep until 9ish and woke up feeling much worse. A slight headache and foggy mind. An achy, tired body. I no longer felt rested. These are the symptoms you tell your doctor and he says you’re just fine—it’s totally normal to feel like shit all the time! (no it is not).

Below I decided to answer the 40 questions presented here by Stephan Ango:

https://stephanango.com/40-questions

**What did you do this year that you’d never done before? **I stopped doing things—like working out and working. I had to stop as my body rebelled against my will. The fevers and crippling fatigue were a signal that it was time to give up. Even after everything I’ve been through in the past 10 years I’ve never given up. But now I have.

**Did you keep your new year’s resolutions? **I didn’t make any new year’s resolutions but I would not have kept them if I did. The last remaining bit of thread holding together my life was cut. I’m no longer holding on by a thread, I’m free falling in the abyss. ** ** **Did anyone close to you give birth? **My older sister gave birth to little Caroline.

Did anyone close to you die? Nope.

**What cities/states/countries did you visit? **I did less travel this year than any of the past 7 years. I only visited Puerto Rico. I’m hibernating and frankly too scared to travel.

**What would you like to have next year that you lacked this year? **Health, energy, vitality, income, success, confidence, progress, resolution.

What date(s) from this year will remain etched upon your memory, and why? August 8, 2022—the date my doctor told me I tested positive for Lupus and prescribed me prednisone for the fever (flare up) I was having.

**What was your biggest achievement of the year? **Letting go. Giving up. Acceptance.

**What was your biggest failure? **Not finishing the projects I started. Not being vulnerable and open about my condition with friends and family. Getting ripped off by the assholes at Soba and completely derailing my progress.

**What other hardships did you face? **Trying to live life when no one understands what you’re going through—and most people think you’re full of shit. Even your friends and family abandon you one way or another…Realizing you’re all alone and no one is coming to save you, and that you might not be able to save yourself. This is the truth. We are born alone, we die alone, and in between we build bonds with imperfect beings that are wholly self interested. If you’re a man and you fall ill, lose your job or your income or your financial wellbeing, maybe you lose your level of fitness or professional competence… worst of all your confidence—you will be met by the truth. It’s not pretty, but it’s freeing. Peel back the layers of false friends and acquaintances. Break free from the illusions propping you up and chaining you to your current existence. Tear off the rose colored glasses and see the world for what it is. You are free to save yourself.

Did you suffer illness or injury? Yes, that’s what this entire blog is about.

What was the best thing you bought? A new seat for my Ducati.

Whose behavior merited celebration? My own. Eszter’s.

Whose behavior made you appalled? My doctors’. Callused. Cold. Unwilling to do the work to investigate the root cause of my illness. Bound by the constraints of the healthcare companies. I’d visited doctors a few times over the years and they always told me nothing was wrong. Thanks doc.

**Where did most of your money go? **Supplements and health related expenses. Food–food is healing. Healing food is somewhat expensive.

**What did you get really, really, really excited about? **A handful of projects I’m working on and just getting back to making shit on the internet. I took a long break from writing code and it feels really good to be back and to embrace some of the new technologies I dismissed years ago.

**What song will always remind you of this year? Callaíta, by Bad Bunny. ** **Compared to this time last year, are you: happier or sadder? Thinner or fatter? Richer or poorer? **I’m about the same weight but not as fit or strong. I had to take the last few months off after hernia surgery and to allow my body to rest and hopefully heal. I’m much happier knowing that I have an illness and I’m not just “depressed” as the mental health industry claims (about everyone).

**What do you wish you’d done more of? **Spent time with friends. Focused more (hard). Made some money and some new friends. More sex. Fly fished more. Skied.

**What do you wish you’d done less of? **Sleep. The constant naps in the middle of the day. The 12 hour sleeps. The days where I could do nothing but lay around in agony.

**How are you spending the holidays? **I spent the holidays with my family.

Did you fall in love this year? Love feels impossible right now. I wish it didn’t. I feel like I’ve become nothing and you can’t love nothing.

Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? Hate is wasted energy and anyone worthy of hate isn’t worth the energy.

What was your favorite show? I watched more television this year than the previous ten years combined. When you’re absolutely physically and mentally exhausted it’s about the only thing you can do. BUT when my brain fog is bad I can’t even follow the plot of a netflix series. Sad. I can’t think of a show I really loved so I guess I should just read more and turn off the TV.

**What was the best book you read? Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee by Dee Brown ** What was your greatest musical discovery of the year? That I still love reggaeton.

What was your favorite film? Again nothing jumps out at me. Movies seem to have evolved to appeal to the dopamine riddled social media brain and 8 second attention span. In lieu of a great story and artful production we get manic editing, fireworks, explosions and over-stimulating bullshit. I prefer watching older movies and I loved Dances With Wolves.

**What was your favorite meal? **I did a bunch of weird diets this year to see how they would impact my body. I still love a big fat ribeye steak, cooked rare. Creamed spinach. Potatoes. Asparagus. Keep it simple.

**What did you want and get? **Clarity. ** ** What did you want and not get? Disease.

What did you do on your birthday?
Can’t remember :(

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More money.

**How would you describe your personal fashion this year? **Confident, nonchalant, carefree, not giving a fuck but looking dope.

**What kept you sane? **Hope, determination, a vision of the future. Acceptance.

Which celebrity/public figure did you admire the most?
The Liver King (LOL)—he called his shot.

What political issue stirred you the most?
Gov’t mandated (ineffective) healthcare treatments. You know the one. Peak insanity.

Who did you miss? Myself. I miss my athletic ability. I miss my endurance and strength. I miss my mental acuity. I miss my photographic memory. I miss my confidence. I miss my body’s ability to adapt to stress. I miss my me.

Who was the best new person you met? Eszter!

What valuable life lesson did you learn this year?
I learned about the truth.

**What is a quote that sums up your year? **“Everything that is tearing us down today will become a memory, and this memory will be shared as an anecdote or a story or a poem or a play or a warning. It will be shared with another human being, who will then understand that he is not alone in his sadness. This is why we show up for others and tell our tales and listen to others. The great congregation meets daily, and you are someone’s angel today.” -Tennessee Williams