Do you see this flower?
Would you say that it is imperfect in any way?
And what of a bear or a thunderstorm? Glorious and fearsome, is it imperfect in any way?
You say that it cannot be imperfect nor perfect. It simply is, as carved by nature and time.
And yet, we think the flower and the storm are perfect by simply being.
Then I say to you, humanity is the same.
My Vietnamese home name and the second part of my first name, is Dao. In Vietnamese, it can refer to one of several meanings such as persimmon fruit in, "trai dao". My grandmother, who had a wry and dark sense of humor, always made fun of my name since it also shares meaning with the verb, to dig. She had a similarly dark perspective on her own name, so perhaps I should not have taken it so personally but, I was not wise enough at that age. This only added to my confusion as to why I was given this name. I never asked my parents about it, all I knew was that my grandfather had chosen it. I didn't give it much thought after that, this name was one that was only used at home with my family. I was known as the more familiar part of my first name, Maria, everywhere else.
Here I am in the 31st year of my journey, reflecting once again and looking to reconnect with my intuition to see what path lies before me... and I am asked to look into the meaning of my name. I search, not expecting to find anything I didn't already know. Maria - bitter sea. I didn't remember that actually, and it wasn't a particularly exciting surprise. I sat in my disappointment for a while when it suddenly occurred to me that I had almost forgotten to search the rest of my name, Dao. Lo and behold, Dao is a peach flower often used to celebrate the lunar new year in Vietnam. It is a vibrant pink. It's gorgeous and perfect. Wow, how had I missed this? Then slowly I remembered, I rejected Dao and anything that went with it such as persimmon or peach flower since I was not named "hong dao" or "hoa dao" just Dao. Maria Dao. If I am not a persimmon or a pink peach flower, am I just a peach? Just a flower? It was too confusing for little me to grasp so I never even bothered to look it up and didn’t know what this flower even looked like.
Now, at 31, peach flower and its meaning opened up to me and I am finally ready to embrace it. I had no idea that the peach flower was so beautiful. I had no idea that it was used in celebration of Lunar New Year, I only knew of the more commonly used yellow apricot flowers. I could not believe that I had rejected a part of myself for so long. I had done so for so long in fact, that I hardly remembered there was anything there. I was so distracted by my childhood trauma and the narrative that went with it, and trapped by the enormous emotions that I didn't know how to process. What was the trauma?
My trauma was internalizing the messages and programming I received from my childhood:
My voice does not matter
I am not sovereign and am not allowed to listen to my inner voice
I must abide by the rules associated with each socially constructed label such as: woman, eldest sibling, second generation minority American
When I was curious, I was told to stop asking questions. When I wanted to learn, lead, or even just jump, play, and get dirty... I was told that it was only for boys or just plain inappropriate. Until these words and thoughts became embedded into my subconscious.
None are the words and thoughts I use to describe myself when I am alone with my true self. None are the patterns or beliefs that I would gift to myself or pass on to future generations.
I call you to remember who you are and reconnect with that inner voice.
At the very least, you are sovereign. Your voice matters. No one else can tell you who you are.
who am i?
i am sovereign my voice matters no one can tell me who i am
I am fluid I am both strong and soft like a poem or a song or a wind or a wave I am feeling, I am spirit, I am me
I am everything I am nothing i am
I am Maria Dao and I am here to shine my light and learn to love myself
I am a bitter sea of emotions finally washed anew with the truth of the light that I am a perfect beautiful peach flower
Go back to the truth of self love I return to love I am love I am eternal love
There is no time, I am just love I am love i am
this is the truth that sings from my heart
I am love I am love I am love i am
you've always known what you are
every time someone told you you are not enough deep inside, you knew you felt that does not feel like me i am love
every time you felt disrespected or small deep inside, you knew that is not me i am love
come back to love I am calling to you to come back to love
come back home to yourself to find love
what is it that your heart whispers to you? what stories and songs lurk there waiting to arrive in this material realm?