I came to life through dance today. The things in the air are collected by the movement of the limbs.
I learned about complexities. I learned about creating problems to then fix them and feel the feeling of accomplishment, the ultimate metaphor for control, the life heater a stage. We/I tend to create my own world, with an incredible amount of detail. That world in which I have the false sensation of control, in which I can create my own problems, fix them, and feel valuable. It is a vicious circle. Instead of looking at things to their eyes and accepting there is nothing I can do, or there is something I can do, I succumb to fear and then just create a scenario, where I’m in control and strong enough and that fear doesn’t intimidate me. Crazy, right. I’m so afraid of facing what is that I run away into a corner and create my own fantasy, play some music that makes me feel safe, and try to forget the world.
I’m wondering if that is not what many artists do? But then, they sometimes create such wonderful worlds, that it may have been worth the struggle and circus. Well, imagine all that art put into aware consciousness. it will burst…
Then again, the concept of freedom. Am I free when I feel I can solve things when I have the feeling of control. Or am I when I release control? and see there is nothing to fear because everything is, and then I dance among those things. The dance of freedom, or the dance in restriction. But then again if we zoom out, isn’t this all a restriction? Aren’t we limited by the laws of physics? May the laws of physics be the constructed framework of some higher being’s fears? That’s probably non of my business. I may as well deal with my sphere of consciousness, my dimensionalities.
Today I also learned about being heard. is it the purpose of being heard only to make sense of myself? Am I waiting for the other to listen, understand, and make sense of me? Am I waiting for others to create a sense of meaning that I can’t seem to find myself? That’s crazy. Maybe I’m over and over finding walls into making order and understanding myself. but somehow I cling to the thought that there is something to understand and that it will bring the realization necessary for the next step in my evolution. So if I can’t find it, because I don’t know how or I’m not good enough to find it, for sure others will be able. Because of course, others are always more able than me (not everyone).
So here’s been my algorithm:
Find interesting people, people I may admire
Find something interesting for them so that they have a reason to interact with me. (I never had to work too much for these, it seems I have some kind of magnetism. Maybe it’s my smile, maybe my mood, maybe my looks, or maybe what I do or my ability to improvise. These are an infused mixture of genuine and constructed things)
Talk to them about me, show them the picture of myself
Expect them to make sense of it, and communicate it to me
Have the insight that I was missing to make my life meaningful.
What the fuck. This has been so narcissistic. In the sense that human interaction is purely a mere exchange towards my own interest. But isn’t it normally like that? Keep the level of meta low. There are levels of interactions that are pure in our dimension, the ones uninterested, probably, the ones that spark from a flow of connection.
It would be unfair and mean to myself to say that I only operate following that algorithm. I am actually VERY self-aware of it, and I try to repress it every time it comes. that’s also why I keep myself away from people most of the time. There is also another kind of interaction, and it’s independent of the individual (meaning that I can behave with the same person in both ways). That interaction is kind, I connected to the other soul, is altruist, si giving, it is in service. It is accompanied by a void of desire for myself and a lot of presence and silence.
Silence means everything, I probably say that because that’s the place where I feel less self-centered, where my interactions are less based on wanting something in return, being that something self-understanding, being self-understanding a proxy for self-validation.
That conflict renders me unable to thrive and find purpose in the lands of silence and stillness, because it’s a place to run from my self-centeredness but also my self-understanding and acceptance, and also to prevents me to find myself and my power because I outsource it a lot while calling me unable and unworthy of tapping into it. Plus some heavy blame to be wasting people’s life because of my goals.
Today I also learned, when dancing, that maybe my path to self-understand is just abandoning my need to self-understand and let whatever my essence is, to emerge naturally, how? by just not putting blocks on it. Everything I described before looks like a sophisticated and complex way to solve a math problem tha tis not hard itself, but the conditions I put make it hard. It’s a knot. a big knot. Fear makes it hard to release, because I’m afraid of what is, to not be enough, to not be how I expect, or simply to be dangerous.
If I let the knot go, my reality, my treasure, my goal will make itself apparent, evident, beautifully joyful, and then I will be able to construct my decisions, my actions.
But how can I get rid of this desire to understand, this sense of worth only if ought for it, as if life was a math problem that need to get solved. I feel worthy by solving the problems, and knowing it’s me who did it, without cheating. Maybe I should put these efforts into something valuable for humanity, and stop trying to rule my life.
Proposal:
Find something difficult enough to do and which outcome is good enough for me and others.
Do it consistently, trust and don’t think too much about it, root your purpose in that you are doing good and leaving space for yourself to shine. It’s self-love, your work should be self-love.
Stop trying to understand your life but just live it, aim at excitement and expansion, lightness, and freedom
Mantras:
What you love about others is what you love from yourself.
What you get annoyed about others is what you still can’t see in yourself.
Currently:
Enjoying Brianna West book - 101 Essays that will change the way you think