Sixteen Years Ago

I had a fight with my father. It was midday. He said things; I said things. I was a teenager. The argument wasn’t all that serious—we just didn’t want to back down. I was a lot like him in many ways, and he was a broad-shouldered, anxious, and short-tempered man. He stepped down a few stairs and struck me across the face—a hard slap.

He said, "In this whole barn, there isn't a single son who stands against his father the way you do."

That slap, that fight, that moment—it was all carving new paths. I said nothing more. That night, I quietly went to the downstairs room. The gumbaz—a dim storage space below. My father’s vest hung from a nail at the far end. I reached into its pocket. I don’t remember exactly how much money was inside, but I knew he had sold a sheep the day before. I took everything that was in his pocket.

Before dawn, I left the house. Left the village. Left my family.

From there, I made my way to the city and eventually followed a path that countless others before me had taken—Zahedan, Iran, Tabriz, Isfahan.

I don’t know how much pain my escape caused my father and my family. I don’t know how much they were mocked by the villagers, how much of a joke I had become. Did my father come looking for me? Did my mother grieve for me? I don’t know. What I do know is that I had lived this escape. I had breathed it. I had endured its pain.

I was a reckless, inexperienced boy who thought to himself, "I’ll go wherever the road takes me!"

Our family was small—just the four of us. My father, my mother, my ten-year-old sister, Marjan, and me. Throughout the journey, I never felt homesick. No one crossed my mind. Sometimes, I would recall how my mother once told me, "Don’t fight with your father so much, my son!" but even then, I didn’t miss her.

It felt as if I had abandoned them all. Or maybe I was the one who had been abandoned. I was angry at everyone. Bitter. Resentful. Fleeing.

For five years in Iran, I never contacted my family. I never wrote to them. What was even more unusual—I deliberately distanced myself from any relatives. I took a job in a textile factory, where no one knew who I was or where I had come from. Maybe, in those five years, my family had accepted that I was no longer alive. Maybe they were heartbroken but too proud to ask anyone, "Have you heard from Mohammad?"

No, no—that couldn’t be.

My mother loved me. My sister depended on me. And my father, despite his possessiveness, must have still cared. I was his only son, after all. And having a son meant having a legacy. How could he not have cared?

But I remained indifferent.

For five years, I never tried to find out how they were. I didn’t want them to know where I was. Five years of numbness. Five years of solitude. Of silence.

I don’t know what darkness had taken hold of me, what unspoken resentment had poisoned my heart to the point where I never once reached out to say, "I am alive, Father. I am here, Mother. This is who I am now."

Maybe I wanted them—especially my father—to suffer. What a childish revenge.

When the roads to Europe opened, when waves of migrants began crossing the borders, I became one of them. One among thousands.

I made it to Italy. Became an Italian citizen. I was treated with respect. New goals formed. New people entered my life.

And the only thing that never found its way back to me—was my family.

My father, my mother, my sister—who had likely grown up by now. Were they still alive? Did they still wait for me? Years had passed.

For a long time, I hated my father. Hated my relatives. Hated everyone.

That hatred hardened into something else. And eventually, they simply faded. I forgot them.

Especially since I now spoke another language.

When you go an entire year without thinking of someone, they cease to exist for you.

Once, someone asked me, "Do you have family in Afghanistan?"

Without thinking, I replied, "No."

And that was it. I didn’t pause. I didn’t reflect. I didn’t tell myself, "Yes, I do have a family. A family I left behind like a fool, and I don’t even know what’s become of them."

I just continued with my life.

A man indifferent to everything but himself.

But last year—exactly fifteen years after I had left—one morning, as I pulled back the curtain in my apartment, it was as if my entire family rushed back into my home. Into my mind. Into my life.

Family. Mother.

I looked outside. A few children were playing in the rain. That rain took me back—to our village, to our mud-brick house.

For a fleeting moment, I felt like I was standing on the damp earth of our village, my face turned to the sky.

Mother? Sister?

A lump formed in my throat.

After fifteen years, I had remembered them. And how painfully I remembered them.

I missed them so much.

What had become of me?

I skipped work that day. Spent the whole day crying.

I punched the walls. The doors. But nothing eased the ache.

Memories circled me. Life itself circled me.

The stones, the trees, the very dust of our village had crept into my mind. I kept seeing our old house, my father standing on its worn steps, telling me things. My mother’s voice echoing:

"Don’t fight with your father so much, my son..."

Was it time? Had I done something unforgivable? Was it possible to be so distant, so detached from one’s own family?

I didn’t know.

Two days later, I bought a plane ticket. Afghanistan.

Was this a rational decision? Were these just fleeting emotions?

It didn’t matter. I had made up my mind.

The flight hours were agonizing. I felt like an addict who had been clean for years but was suddenly consumed by an uncontrollable craving.

I just wanted to get there. To see them. To beg for forgiveness—for being so cold, so absent, for so long.

When I landed in Kabul, I didn’t wait. It was night. I hired a car straight to our district, to our village.

By morning, I arrived.

The village had changed. A new generation had taken over. Children had grown up. The middle-aged had turned old. The elderly—most had passed away.

As we climbed the hill, I pointed ahead to the driver. "There—our house. By those tall trees. Take me there."

Some homes were newly built. Others had been abandoned or demolished.

But our house still stood.

I was overjoyed. It looked the same—the same walls, the same deep blue window frames.

But I still didn’t know why I had come back. Why these memories had stormed into my mind. Where had this change in me come from?

People looked at me, but no one recognized me. I didn’t recognize them either.

I had changed. So had they.

As we neared the house, I saw an old man sitting on the porch, gazing into the distance.

I stepped closer.

He didn’t notice me.

Closer still.

It was him.

My father.

Thinner. Weaker. He wore thick glasses and hearing aids in both ears.

How much you have aged, Father.

How frail you have become.

I wanted to scream.

When I took his hands, kissed them, embraced him—he didn’t react.

He wasn’t the same man.

He was silent.

Not strong. Not sharp.

"Father, it’s me—Mohammad!"

It didn’t matter.

Perhaps he couldn’t see. Couldn’t hear.

Or perhaps he just didn’t remember me.

And then, a woman appeared.

I thought it was my mother.

It wasn’t.

It was Marjan.

A twenty-five-year-old woman—who had aged far beyond her years.