I wish this was talked about more in depth, rather than covering only the surface level aspects of relationships. I wish more parents were better role models for their children, but that is unfortunately a rare case.

Navigating relationships, attraction and the opposite sex in general is quite tricky. Writing about these topics will probably take me an entire day to do, so for now we can get started with something smaller. Valentine’s day is a great day for reflection, especially because those single folks on social media are bombarded with cute, lovey dovey posts from folks in relationships.

I want to start off by saying that everything I write is simply coming from a state of observation, both in my personal life and other people’s. We are all individuals with our own unique experiences, yet we all seem to experience the same emotions, desires and feelings. We may not be as different from each other as we think :).

I believe romantic relationships are overly romanticized and in many cases, are actually a detriment to a person’s life. It’s important to define certain terms, so by “romanticized,” I mean when something is made better than it actually is in the mind. Our minds are capable of creating great fantasies, illusions and stories. A lot of the narratives we create are made to make ourselves feel better about certain situations or to help us cope with something negative, traumatic, etc. To be as blunt as possible here, many people do it just to cope with life itself. That has a lot to say about the natural quality of human life, but we’ll stay on topic.

When we see these lovey dovey posts, we see big smiles, laughs, affection and grand gestures. We see… pleasure! And it makes us feel things. We may crave the same feeling as we see elicited from those social media posts.

And we want that for ourselves. Why did those pictures even affect us in the first place? Have you ever stopped to ask yourself that question?

Why do you want to feel what they seem to feel?

Are you not satisfied with your current self? Do you want to escape the current reality you’re in? Do you think a relationship will make you feel better? Do you want someone to listen to you and understand you? Do you want to be physically touched or be intimate with someone? Intimacy seems to play an important role in human life, and it isn’t something that should be ignored.

Most people aren’t satisfied with their current reality, which is why they “pleasure chase.” That’s another topic.

If seeing those relationship posts on Valentine’s day gives you at least an ounce of emotion, that already speaks volumes. The way we react to anything tells a deeper story, one that typically gets ignored. Do you want to understand your mind? What triggers it?

TLDR; many of us seek romantic relationships to fill something that’s ‘missing’ inside of us. We’re lonely, and so we want company. We desire intimacy, and so we seek touch from others. We didn’t receive attention as children, and so we need validation. We want deeper connection, and so what better way to connect yourself than with a romantic partner, right? There are also cases where women want to be taken care of financially and men just want to fulfill their sexual desires. All of that is present, and there are many more cases too.

Notice a pattern here? It’s all “I desire this,” “I want that,” and “this will make me feel better.” Doesn’t this sound a bit selfish to you? Doesn’t this all seem to come from the ego? Ego is another topic.

Is a modern day relationship actually just exploitation disguised as ‘love?’ Exploitation is “the act of selfishly taking advantage of someone or a group of people in order to profit from them or otherwise benefit oneself.”

Is that what modern day “love” is really like? That’s for you to answer.

Quite a take, you might think! Didn’t think of it that way, huh? :)

I believe most (not all) romantic relationships are just two people being attached to each other. There’s nothing right or wrong, good or bad about this. But, there are consequences. What happens when someone becomes attached?

You know it’s attachment when what the other person does has great importance and effect in your life. Is he talking to someone else? Why is she taking so long to respond? Is she really not into me, or maybe she stopped being into me? Why would he say that to me? Why didn’t he ask me to be his Valentine? Why didn’t he get me what I wanted? Why is she being so distant? Why did she say that about me? Why does he never do X, Y and Z?

Jealousy, fear, resentment, anger, sadness creeps in. The opposite comes to play, too! If your significant other does the ‘right’ thing, you feel like you’re on cloud 9. We enjoy the feelings from the latter, but we hate the former.

This is what attachment does – suddenly, another person’s actions start affecting your mood. This is why I think breakups ‘hurt’, why we miss people and why we go back to our ex’s. Along with many other things, of course. We like to live in the past, re-experience the ‘feel-good’ feelings we had with the other person and then we seek to re-create that. This is still pleasure seeking, we haven’t hopped off that train yet!

Attachment is another topic. All of these topics relate to each other.

Let’s go back to this, which I think is most important to talk about – many of us seek romantic relationships to fill something that’s ‘missing’ inside of us. How can anyone ever fill anything for you? Has anyone filled that void in you, permanently? Temporary doesn’t count, it was just one of those “highs” you had that eventually faded.

If that other person really filled your void, then why do you distance yourself when you aren’t on your A game?

If that person really filled your void, then why are you seeking more?

If that person really filled your void, then why aren’t you at peace in your own life?

So therefore, being in a relationship does NOT fill the void in your life. More importantly, what’s missing in your life? What is that void and where is it coming from?

Not a question to take lightly! It is a very, very deep question that takes a lot of introspection and inquiry into your personal life.

So back to the point, nobody can fix you. But you will never think this if you don’t understand this Truth yourself. I use a capital ‘T’ because it isn’t subjective, it isn’t a topic that needs debates or discussions. It’s something that simply IS.

People can make you feel better. Acquiring knowledge can make you feel better. Buying materialistic things can make you feel better. Going to the gym can make you feel better. Hanging out with friends can make you feel better. A therapist can make you feel better. Religion can make you feel better. Romantic relationships can make you feel better.

…but they will never solve your problems. Anything you do externally won’t ever solve your problems. Don’t listen to me, just ask yourself if anything you’ve done has actually solved a deep rooted problem.

We find a box, put all of our problems in there and put it under our bed. “I’ll deal with it later.” “I’ll figure it out later.” “It’ll solve itself on its own.” “It isn’t that important to me right now.”

You can’t run away from yourself forever.

So with all of this being said, can one be fully satisfied AND alone?

YES!!!

Just because you’re surrounded by people in relationships and/or by single people complaining about their single life, doesn’t mean it has to be that way. It’s a mistake to generalize how life “should” be based on what your environment does or says. By “environment” I mean the people you surround yourself with both digitally and physically.

I can’t even begin to tell you how life-changing all of this was for me. Anyone I introduce into my life, whether it be a friend or someone I’m potentially interested in, I always ask the question, “am I more at peace being by myself than I am being with them?”

Most of the time, the answer is a yes – I am more at peace by myself than being with that person. Even though I sometimes may want it to be a no, I can’t ignore my intuition. When you know, you know! Your mind will try to fool you, but your intuition will always steer you in the “right” direction.

I’ll end this off by saying this topic isn’t for everyone. It’s easier to fall into relationships than to solve your problems. It’s easier to place yourself in the same situations and avoid facing the truth. It’s easier to believe in something than to doubt it. It’s easier to be a majoritarian than to be an independent thinker.

I didn’t write this to change your perspective on relationships or single life, I wrote this so that maybe you can reflect on your own experiences and reality. Maybe it’ll give you something different to think about because like I said, it’s incredibly easy to take something your environment does and settle into thinking that this is “just how life works.”

Ultimately, you’ll do whatever you want to do.

Happy Valentine’s Day.