It's summer and the city is covered by an atmosphere of joy and tranquility, there are many children running through the park and their laughter is contagious, there are people walking with their pets and some teens  making videos. Everything around me is full of people enjoying their activities and I can only look at them and feel envy because I would like to be here having an ice cream and feel as happy as they do, but I can't.

I survive with a strange feeling of emptiness that I never had before in my life. I have always traveled alone, I have been alone and I enjoy doing it, but I have a hole in my chest that is getting bigger every day. It has nothing to do with something psychological in strict terms, I regularly go to therapy and I feel good, I don't have major problems in my life... obviously there are always inconveniences especially when you are a migrant, but none of that is what causes me pain. I interact with people who are incredible, I have learned many new things and I can even say that I have been happy on some occasions, but it is something temporary. The effect of happiness is so short, it is so short because it is simply a substitute, it is not true happiness.

The breeze makes the leaves of the trees dance delicately, I look at the sky so that the rays of light give me some energy, some hope. My phone rings, there are new notifications. I look at the notifications and tears begin to run down my eyes and I can't stop myself, a whirlwind rushes from my stomach and forms a lump in my throat. My phone notifies me that I have two new emails, right now it is notifying me that you sent me pictures 1 year ago. Why notifying me now? Why only those two emails with pics? Why does it still hurt so much to be without you? Why the further away I want to be, the more I miss you?

I open the mail and there is that smile, I see those pics and there is my home. I see those pics and I see the unattainable, I suffer... and I understand what that emptiness is that I have in my chest. I cry with pain because it seems like a bad prank from my phone doing this to me, then I think about the energies and spirituality and I imagine that things are signs. Signs that I should remember that when I am sure of something I should fight more but then I fall back into normal reasoning and understand that things are for two or they are not. I can't build a life with someone if that person doesn't have the same intentions, so I'm left with the first thought that my phone is a prankster.

I close my eyes for a moment and remember you, I smile because in my mind that is how you live, a luminous soul that has different priorities in life, you are a halo of intense light that illuminates the whole house, your jokes give you personality, your slow way of acting but your always quick mind give you the attitude. I close my eyes and I see the reflection of yours sending me love no matter where I am, sending me information even if you're across the room, I remember your hands and the way you walk, your voice, your scent, your skin... I like it, I like your body, I like to hug you, I like your lips. I like the energy that you are able to send me and the affection with which you treat me. Everything stays in a memory of 1 minute while I have my eyes closed and I suffer because I can't have you anymore, I suffer because I miss you.

It's summer and things in life seem beautiful, flowers... but my phone plays funny and reminds me that I will carry an emptiness in my chest for the rest of my existence for not being able to spend my summer days with you and feel at home.

Niko.