The purpose of insurance, according to the Two Ronnies, is for the client to pay the insurer large sums of money. It can however be useful to mitigate future risk.

Some forms of insurance are mandatory, others are merely a personal choice.

So, if you were seeking to mitigate risk in your romantic relationships what would the factors likely be?

Just as with car insurance the make and model would be a factor. How expensive is it to run? Has it been in previous accidents, has indeed it been regularly serviced? Is it comfortable, or are you always on edge in case it does something unpredictable? What is the potential expense both in emotional and monetary terms if a crash occurs?

Clearly your own history plays a part here too. Just as your driving history offers clues as to your future potential for causing or suffering damage, so too does your prior relationship history. A poor driving history littered with bumps and scrapes indicates that maybe you weren’t able enough in handling your vehicle.

Fundamentally the actuaries would look at your risk factors, compare you to a cohort with similar characteristics, and work out a potential for future damage based upon their histories.

In other words how much have bad relationships caused people like you? It isn’t difficult to find instances where the sums are astronomical.

Since the mid 60s the risks and costs have increased dramatically. The Boomers have a lot to answer for.

Depends greatly on your current status. A millionaire will likely to be aware of the risk posed by gold diggers, though some young dude living in their mother’s basement might never consider the impact a crash could have on his life and finances, and in particular his future earning potential.

The risks however are actually far greater for your common a garden dude compared to a millionaire. Losing half of your fortune still leaves you with…. A fortune.

The crimp in your finances in 10 or 20 years time due to maintenance, child support and the like is going to be a large percentage of your income. The prospect of losing a home that you don’t even currently own is likely the biggest individual cost, but also consider the damage to your reputation, your freedom and your self esteem from being rinsed in the family and divorce courts.

Indeed the damage to your reputation could be a greater future cost even than the monetary aspects.

Marrying a feminist for instance has reduced one of the biggest male stars in Hollywood, and even a Prince, to objects of ridicule. Having the status of Johnny Depp, or eligible Royalty with a proud military record one day, an unemployable actor, ginger cuck and laughing stock the next.

One way is by learning from the great scientists and philosophers who have gone before you. Pre-eminient amongst them…

Being Dana McLendon – featured below – though note that he has a Glock on his hip should a ginger hairdresser called Tiffany turn up.

He is a wise man, he has taken precautions. He quantifies risk, and so should you.

Nobody truly knows what house or rental prices will be in thefuture. Nor what our future earnings will be. We don’t know how many children we might have, nor where on the Hot Crazy matrix the lass doing a convincing impression of being a Unicorn will be in many years time.

The risks then are both front loaded and uncertain. But do they fall equally?

It is said that behind every great man there is a great woman, something that I personally hold to still be true. There are however a handful of obvious cases where the opposite has happened. The recently deceased Prince Philip for instance dedicated his life to walking behind her Maj, supporting her, his children didn’t even bear his name. Dennis Thatcher too played a supporting role.

The response from the feminists to these people? Unbridled hate.

The risk then is not a two way street. Even in the extreme circumstances of extremely successful and stable couples who have no lack of resources the man’s reputation is still the target on a one way shooting range.

Just imagine ringing a Relationship Insurance call centre with what you know, or think you know about your current girlfriend…

“Yeah mate, she’s got blue hair, a Gender Studies degree, works for a domestic violence charity and has 4 kids from her previous 4 relationships, though none of the fathers are still in touch with her. They were all bastards apparently. She lives with her mother, says she is 36 and wishes she lived in Birmingham so she could vote for Jess Phillips. “

What do you think your quote would be?

If you are outraged at the amount your car insurance costs as a young dude, imagine how much they might charge you for managing the risk of your relationships?

My guess, it would be an order of magnitude higher, so the wisest financial decision you can ever make might be in understanding the risks involved.