The RugVitalik Suspected of Extraterrestrial Origins
EARTH — Conspiracy theorists have taken to Reddit this week in a wild and unfounded notion that Ethereum founder Vitalik Buterin is from a recently discovered planet located between Venus and Mercury. Redditors are calling the planet “Cryptomar.” The contention that the blockchain guru is from another planetary body is loosely based on conjecture that he “looks like an alien” and the fact that he put Earth as his location in his twitter bio.Vitalik lists twitter location as "Earth".Despite al...
The RugTwitter Rebrands to “X” Commemorating Drop to 10th Best Social Media Platform
SAN FRANCISCO — In a celebratory move, Twitter CEO Elon Musk changed the name of the platform to “X” commemorating its spot on a list of social media platforms. According to HootSuite, it now ranks 10th behind powerhouses such as Truth Social and Holla. Before the new list was announced Musk was planning to rebrand his social media company as “X AE, v. non-child.” Employees breathed a sigh of relief. “Pretty sure we would have immediately lost all of our users if he named us that,” said Chief...
The RugPetty Thugs Look for Curve CEO
LONDON — Curve CEO Michael Egorov owes money all over the blockchain. The DeFI guru is 80 M in debt, leveraged to his eyeballs, and staring down the barrel of a margin call shotgun. Blockchains, and their protocol's, are notorious for being "unhuman", that is strictly ran on code. However, given the outsized position of Egorov's debt he now has several petty thugs passing his photo around town, and asking if, "anybody has seen him." Unfortunately the thugs are not that bright, and t...
Web3's mostly credible news source. We take money, seriously.
The RugVitalik Suspected of Extraterrestrial Origins
EARTH — Conspiracy theorists have taken to Reddit this week in a wild and unfounded notion that Ethereum founder Vitalik Buterin is from a recently discovered planet located between Venus and Mercury. Redditors are calling the planet “Cryptomar.” The contention that the blockchain guru is from another planetary body is loosely based on conjecture that he “looks like an alien” and the fact that he put Earth as his location in his twitter bio.Vitalik lists twitter location as "Earth".Despite al...
The RugTwitter Rebrands to “X” Commemorating Drop to 10th Best Social Media Platform
SAN FRANCISCO — In a celebratory move, Twitter CEO Elon Musk changed the name of the platform to “X” commemorating its spot on a list of social media platforms. According to HootSuite, it now ranks 10th behind powerhouses such as Truth Social and Holla. Before the new list was announced Musk was planning to rebrand his social media company as “X AE, v. non-child.” Employees breathed a sigh of relief. “Pretty sure we would have immediately lost all of our users if he named us that,” said Chief...
The RugPetty Thugs Look for Curve CEO
LONDON — Curve CEO Michael Egorov owes money all over the blockchain. The DeFI guru is 80 M in debt, leveraged to his eyeballs, and staring down the barrel of a margin call shotgun. Blockchains, and their protocol's, are notorious for being "unhuman", that is strictly ran on code. However, given the outsized position of Egorov's debt he now has several petty thugs passing his photo around town, and asking if, "anybody has seen him." Unfortunately the thugs are not that bright, and t...
Web3's mostly credible news source. We take money, seriously.
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NEW YORK CITY — BlackRock, the world's largest asset management firm, has announced its acquisition of a majority share in a promising start-up: you.
That’s right, you - the person reading this article in The Rug - are now just a minority owner in yourself and your actions.
This groundbreaking move is poised to redefine the investment landscape and potentially reshape the way we perceive and engage with personal finance.
You’ll be reporting quarterly earnings and presenting P&Ls to a board of directors from BlackRock who will then decide what your economic actions will be for the next quarter.
“The first thing we’ll be looking at after this purchase is the amount of spending in the crypto space,” Director Brock said during the official purchase announcement.
“We believe that by cutting crypto and NFT expenditures to zero, BlackRock can turn this fledgling company from being 80% down to at least 10% up quarter-over-quarter.”
Business analysts are salivating over the move. “It’s brilliant,” CNBC analyst Jim Cramer said. “You have income but you spend it like an absolute moron. Just a little bit of prudent financial oversight will have your economic situation turned around in no time.”
Congratulations, your future outlook has never been brighter.
Bitcoin is down 30% on the news.
NEW YORK CITY — BlackRock, the world's largest asset management firm, has announced its acquisition of a majority share in a promising start-up: you.
That’s right, you - the person reading this article in The Rug - are now just a minority owner in yourself and your actions.
This groundbreaking move is poised to redefine the investment landscape and potentially reshape the way we perceive and engage with personal finance.
You’ll be reporting quarterly earnings and presenting P&Ls to a board of directors from BlackRock who will then decide what your economic actions will be for the next quarter.
“The first thing we’ll be looking at after this purchase is the amount of spending in the crypto space,” Director Brock said during the official purchase announcement.
“We believe that by cutting crypto and NFT expenditures to zero, BlackRock can turn this fledgling company from being 80% down to at least 10% up quarter-over-quarter.”
Business analysts are salivating over the move. “It’s brilliant,” CNBC analyst Jim Cramer said. “You have income but you spend it like an absolute moron. Just a little bit of prudent financial oversight will have your economic situation turned around in no time.”
Congratulations, your future outlook has never been brighter.
Bitcoin is down 30% on the news.
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