**disclaimer: the following discusses sensitive topics such as death and elderly care. feel free to take a break if needed and skip whole sections altogether if you don’t want to read them.

Dear Ammini (a.k.a. Ammachi, Soshakutty, and most importantly, my best friend),

This is going to be a long one, but I want you to know exactly what’s been going through my big head these past few months.

I thought I was ready for you to go, but all that mental preparation seemed to be for nothing. I presumed I would get a couple more months with you, but God had other plans.

After you left, I relived many moments in my mind. Thankfully, I have plenty of videos to offer readers a glimpse into our relationship.

the super bowl story - february 12th, 2022

There's a story that replays in my mind, echoing through my memory’s corridors. A certain tale marks the profound moment when I came face-to-face with the inevitable decline that besmears all of our lives, robbing us of control over certain things. Your sudden deterioration, forever etched in my heart, commenced moments before the Super Bowl we hosted.

With my parents in Los Angeles and my brother in North Carolina for the weekend, the responsibility to take care of you squarely fell on my shoulders. Unbeknownst to me, fate planned a challenge to test my abilities and strength.

Unexpectedly, a mishap occurred, leaving a mess that demanded my attention. In that moment, my mind raced, searching for a solution that I was ill-prepared to find. The impending arrival of my friends added to my distress, fueling my worry about their potential judgment. Among the emotions inundating me, anger swelled up like a tempest and obliterated my awareness of reality. My clouded judgment failed to see the helpless, 90-year-old woman before me.

That day, I regrettably uttered words that cannot be unsaid. However, I found solace in offering my heartfelt apologies with each passing day. Sincerely attempting to mend the wounds I inflicted, I took it upon myself to tend to your needs. I showered you twice, ensuring you were comfortable and clean before tucking you into bed. Thanks to the assistance of family members living nearby, we resolved the accident. Despite nursing my blinding frustration, I carefully made you clean and comfortable for bed.

While I showered you twice, you showered me with uncountable apologies. Yet, consumed by anger, I remained indifferently deaf to your words. As I gently tucked you into bed, you whispered three magical words that resonate in my heart to this day, "I love you, Rahul!" In a tender gesture, you pressed a soft, loving kiss on my forehead. Only now, as time slips through my fingers like sand, do I comprehend that I won’t receive that cherished forehead kiss again. It dawns on me, ever so slowly, that this simple act of affection, this sweet display of love, will forever remain a memory, a void that I shall carry with me in this life.

you and the senior center - early september 2022

Coming back from India, I returned home with the goal of seeing you every day. Each day, without fail, I was thankfully able to make it back to see you. The distance meant nothing to me, for my heart yearned to ensure your well-being. Witnessing you in that facility tore at my core, for it was painfully evident that you resented being there. And truth be told, so did I.

In that place, where the light within you dimmed, I made a solemn promise. I hugged you tight, assuring you that you would be present for my wedding, where you would bear witness to the arrival of Rahul Jr. I pledged to move mountains, to do everything within my power to secure your place at these momentous occasions. Yet, the bitter reality now weighs heavily upon my heart, for I fear your absence shall cast a shadow over the joyous celebration.

As I entered your room, a flicker of joy illuminated your eyes. That radiant smile, born from the depths of your being, embraced me with its warmth. It was a simple pleasure, witnessing your delight as you savored the taste of Chick-fil-A nuggets, washing them down with a small Sprite. And as always, our time together culminated in your signature burp, a playful symphony that echoed through the room.

Gently, I tucked you in, inviting you to rest, and reluctantly bid my farewell. This ritual repeated itself, day after day, until the time when Dad, Mom, and Chacha returned from India. The pain of leaving you in that facility clung to my soul, its grip unyielding. Yet, circumstances beyond our control dictated this separation. My yearning to be by your side, to bask in your presence as frequently as possible, propelled me on that daily pilgrimage from Georgetown. And looking back, every single mile traversed was a small price to pay for the precious moments we shared.

https://youtube.com/shorts/A4z7k1u86vc?si=B5Wha9j-muM0ZJxN

https://youtube.com/shorts/hDxTnxdFVSM?feature=share

the end of a bad week - september 23rd, 2022

Amidst the depths of despair, a week unfolded before me, heavy with the weight of anguish. Hatred permeated my every fiber as I sealed my emotions away, refusing to grant them an audience. My downtrodden spirit, hidden behind a smile, shielded me from prying eyes. Regardless of my own struggles, I clung to the belief that it was my duty to paint joy upon the faces of those around me. But within, a tempest raged, its fury unyielding.

Embarking on the metro home, my mood stuck in darkness, I succumbed to tears that flowed unabated. Nothing seemed to align with my desires, and frustration consumed me entirely. Chacha came to pick me up, unaware of the turmoil that churned within. Though I managed to veil my distress, deep within my thoughts, I unleashed a torrent of curses, directed at everything that dared to stand against me. Internal anger blazed, threatening to consume me entirely.

And yet, as I crossed the threshold into your room, a transformative magic transpired. Instantly, my burdens, stresses, and emotions melted away like snowflakes upon a warm embrace. Your radiant smile, a beacon of pure joy, effortlessly mended the wounds within my soul. It became effortless to forgive and forget the tribulations that had plagued me. In that sacred moment, I wrapped my arms around you, embracing you tightly, and just like that, harmony was restored. The sight of you held the power to ground me, to bring me back to the realm of reality. While the world of academia whisked me away, engulfing me in the life of a college student with dreams of a promising future, you remained my constant reminder. A reminder to cherish the present, to be grateful for all that I possessed in the here and now.

In your presence, I discovered solace and found strength anew. And as I gazed into your eyes, an unspoken pact formed—a vow to always savor the beauty of the present moment, to hold gratitude close to my heart, and to forever cherish the light you brought into my world.

https://youtube.com/shorts/HaS9tmddG24?feature=share

you and the senior center pt.2 - october 7th, 2022

The day arrived when I was entrusted with the task of dropping off some belongings for you at the senior center. It was essential to ensure you were settled before I headed back to school for homecoming festivities. Additionally, I had a wedding to attend in Cancun, adding a layer of urgency to my schedule. As I made my way to the center, I couldn't help but feel a mixture of anticipation and unease.

When I entered, there you were, sitting alone in the spacious living area, fixated on the flickering television screen. I approached you from behind, and as if sensing my presence, you greeted me with that familiar smile that never failed to warm my heart. Placing the items I had brought on your bed, I settled down beside you, eager to spend a precious few minutes in your company.

I reached into my bag and retrieved a packet of Parle-G biscuits, a delightful treat we both cherished. Handing it to you, I watched as you playfully attempted to open the packet yourself, even though I had already taken care of it. It brought a smile to my face, witnessing your determination and childlike curiosity. Those moments were etched in my memory, forever treasured.

Deep within, I harbored a sense of disdain for this particular senior center, a place that felt devoid of warmth and care. It pained me to see you amidst strangers, surrounded by an environment that seemed alien to your very essence. You deserved to be cherished and tended to with the same love and devotion as we provided at home.

Before bidding you farewell, I made a promise—a promise that hung in the air, a lifeline of hope. I assured you that I would return the following Wednesday to bring you back to the comfort of our home. With those words, I hoped to alleviate the unease that clung to your being, to offer you a glimmer of solace in the face of uncertainty.

picking you up from the senior center - october 12th, 2022

The moment had arrived—I stepped into the senior center, fully prepared to bring you home. The wheelchair, positioned beside your bed, stood as a symbol of our impending departure. Yet, as I approached, a pang of disquiet settled within me. You did not recognize me. I spoke your name, but my words seemed to dissolve in the air, unheard and disregarded. Confusion gripped my heart until a realization dawned upon me—the hesitation that lingered in your eyes revealed a reluctance to leave the comfort of your bed.

It became apparent that an accident had occurred, and you needed assistance in cleansing yourself. Urgently, I summoned the nurse, grateful for their expertise in attending to your needs. With their capable hands, you were tended to, offering respite from the discomfort that had besieged you. As I gently guided you into the wheelchair, a radiant smile blossomed across your face. You were ready, eager to return home, where familiar comforts awaited you.

On the journey back, I indulged your taste buds, offering McDonald's nuggets and a Sprite, your favorite treats. As we traversed the road, fatigue overtook you, and you succumbed to slumber. It was in that moment, as tears welled in my eyes, that a flood of memories washed over me. I was reminded of the Super Bowl weekend, a time when you, too, sought to conceal an accident, shielding me from witnessing your vulnerability. As your grandson, you had always been determined to shield me from your struggles, never wanting me to witness your lowest moments. Yet, time and time again, I stood witness to your challenges. Assisting you in your moments of need, tending to you at your worst—these were the moments that I cherished as your caretaker.

In this instance, once more, you endeavored to protect me from witnessing your decline. It served as a gentle reminder of the journey we were embarking on together—a journey marked by your gradual decline, a reality that I had to come to terms with. Yet, as I reflected upon our bond and the love we shared, it became clear that being there for you in your most vulnerable moments was an honor and a privilege. It was a testament to the depth of our connection and the resilience that coursed through our intertwined lives.

mathews family board meeting - december 27th, 2022

It was a moment that etched itself into my memory—the first time I bore witness to the stark reality of your declining health. We had plans to dine in DC, so we decided to have dinner earlier, around 6 pm. As the evening progressed, the time came for you to embark on your nightly routine, and I yearned to offer my assistance. You managed your bathroom duties, but as we began the journey back to your room, it became evident that you were struggling, stumbling along the way. Fearing a fall, I held you firmly, providing support so that you wouldn't lose your balance. It was disheartening to witness how even simple tasks, like using the bathroom, took a toll on your weakened body, rendering you unable to walk.

Finally, we reached your bed, and in an unexpected moment, you relinquished your grip on the walker, surrendering to your fatigue. Dad and I struggled to help you onto the bed, our efforts intermingled with a mixture of love and determination. Throughout it all, you maintained a serene smile, as if resiliently embracing the challenges life had placed before you. As we tenderly placed the sheet over you and tucked you in, you bestowed upon us another heartwarming smile, bidding us a gentle "good night, mone!" Yet, the weight of the situation bore down on me, and I hastened to my room, overcome with emotions. Unleashing a torrent of tears, I could not bear to witness my beloved grandmother in such a frail state. In the past, I always knew how to uplift your spirits, but now, no matter what I did, I realized it would not extend your time with us. It would not bring you to the significant milestones of my life that I yearned for you to be present at.

Later, at the restaurant, the topic arose, shrouded in a cloak of somber concern—how long we could expect you to be with us, as we all witnessed the rapid decline of your health. Amidst the heavy atmosphere, I shared my honest thoughts, expressing the belief that you would not last the entirety of 2023. In my heart, I feared that we would bid farewell to you within the first half of the year.

one of the best weeks of my life - super bowl weekend 2023

As my parents went to Phoenix, and my brother began his work in New York, the idea of placing you in a senior center crossed their minds. But I reassured them, promising to take charge of the situation. After all, we had a dedicated caretaker at home who would provide assistance if needed. Little did I know that fate had other plans in store. At the end of the week, our caretaker resigned, leaving me with the sole responsibility of caring for you. Suddenly, I found myself thrust into a familiar role, reminiscent of the challenges faced during the previous Super Bowl weekend. However, this time, I was equipped with prior experience, knowing exactly what to expect.

Thank Karthave, there was a chair available to support you during showers, sparing us from the daunting task of holding you up. I can't express my gratitude enough for this small comfort. The daily routine unfolded, encompassing the nourishment of meals, flossing and brushing your teeth, tending to your bedtime rituals, and simply sitting by your side, offering companionship. Interestingly, the caretaker's departure brought an unexpected silver lining. It granted me an invaluable opportunity to spend an abundance of time with you. Every moment during that week held immense significance, as I wholeheartedly embraced the privilege of caring for you. During those days, I was consumed by a single purpose—ensuring your well-being. The weight of the world seemed to fade away, for my only concern was to tend to your needs.

In truth, I cherished each and every second spent caring for you. The absence of worldly worries allowed me to wholeheartedly focus on your comfort and happiness. This week became a treasure trove of memories, filled with moments that will forever hold a special place in my heart. I had the honor of devoting my time solely to you, an opportunity that I embraced wholeheartedly. The responsibilities that came with it were a small price to pay, for the chance to nurture and protect you was a gift beyond measure.

https://youtube.com/shorts/9v7Z2CZo9qY?feature=share

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https://youtube.com/shorts/vsPxOGsJuv8?feature=share

https://youtube.com/shorts/eG3ZogPZOtM?feature=share

taking care of you at home - april 23rd, 2023

Before heading to our cherished sushi spot in Herndon, I was entrusted with caring for you for a couple of hours. Fresh from your nap, Dad provided me with explicit instructions on administering the specially prepared water concoction meant for you. As I handed you the glass of water, your instinctive response, as always, was to ask if I wanted anything. I gently declined, assuring you that it was all for your well-being. With determination, you finished the water, and in that moment, I enveloped you in a warm embrace. Subsequently, you lay down, unable to see my face, and you made a heartfelt request, "Mone, nee kaniche moham ona? Moham enne enikku ona thanne!" Apologies for the Manglish, but it loosely translates to, "Son, can I see your face? Let me hold your face!" In response, I felt a tender kiss planted on my forehead, and my eyes welled up with tears.

As I experienced this poignant exchange, a question echoed within me: "How many more times will I be blessed with this precious gesture?" Anger welled up, fueled by the realization that there was nothing I could do to alleviate your struggle.

most traumatic experience of my life - may 1st, 2023

On a somber Monday morning, I had to return home to drop off the car. Still reeling from the absurd lassi incident that had occurred in my car, my initial plan was to head straight to your room. As I entered, my heart sank. Something was amiss. Your left leg appeared significantly darker compared to the other. Dad was on the phone with the doctor, explaining the worrisome situation. Within a mere five minutes, we found ourselves en route to the hospital. You lay across the second row of the car, your head resting gently on my lap. I caressed your head, whispering reassuring words, "Ammini, everything will be okay."

Upon reaching the hospital, we were ushered into a room to meet with the doctor. I decided to return home momentarily to clean the trunk of the car, which had suffered greatly from the spill. Two hours later, I returned to the hospital, prepared to receive news and explore the available options. The choices presented to us were stark:

1. Surgery to remove the clot from the vein.

2. Amputation.

3. Hospice care.

Shocked and overwhelmed, I sought solace in a conversation with Chach, who reminded me of my role in this tumultuous situation. "Be the calm presence," he advised. "Your dad is distressed, and your mom is simply trying to support him. You must guide them towards making the best decision." I mustered a response, "Yeah, I understand." Yet, deep down, I was just a 22-year-old struggling to come to terms with the enormity of the situation. Regardless, it was a responsibility I had to bear.

Then came the moment when I witnessed you at your lowest. The nurse requested a diaper change, and Mom, Dad, and I stepped outside the room. Engrossed in phone calls with concerned family members, we stood mere seconds away. Suddenly, piercing screams reverberated through the walls. Alarmed, I hurried back inside, finding the nurse in need of assistance. You were hungry and thirsty, but the hospital regulations prevented us from providing immediate relief. You screamed in agony, your movements uncontrollable, as you bit at the wires tethered to your body.

In that moment, I faced the most challenging task as your grandson—I had to restrain you. I grasped both your arms, placing my forehead against yours. I reassured you, "Ammini, don't worry. I will never let anything happen to you." Still, your desperate attempts to bite persisted, so I offered my hand as an outlet for your frustration. You sank your teeth into my hand, and though the pain seared through me, it paled in comparison to the agony you were enduring. I couldn't bear to witness you gnawing at the vital wires monitoring your well-being. Direct your frustration at me, I thought. We succeeded in changing your diaper, yet the pain persisted. You shivered from the cold, lacking a sheet to provide warmth, so I enveloped you in a tight embrace, hoping to soothe and comfort you. To my surprise, you gradually calmed down. However, I remained in a state of shock, grappling with the weight of what I had just experienced.

The night wore on, stretching past 1 am, and exhaustion washed over me. I returned home and sank into bed, tears streaming down my face. I couldn't bear to see you in such agony, and once again, the overwhelming sense of helplessness engulfed me. There was nothing I could do to alleviate your pain, and it shattered my heart.

taking care of you in the hospital - may 4th 2023

Dad and Mom needed to step away from the hospital briefly, attending to work matters that demanded their attention. In their absence, I assumed the role of a watchful guardian, ensuring your well-being. Drawing my chair closer to your bedside, I positioned myself right by your side, my gaze fixed upon your tired form. Exhaustion clung to you, and the weariness in your eyes revealed your longing for respite. In a tender gesture, I gently placed my palm beside your head, seeking to offer a comforting presence.

As fate would have it, a wave of drowsiness washed over you, coaxing you into a peaceful slumber. To my astonishment, you found solace in resting your head upon my palm. In that quiet room, an unspoken connection enveloped us, as you nestled into the gentle cradle of my hand. And as your breathing slowed, I, too, succumbed to the soothing embrace of sleep.

In that tender moment, time stood still. The worries and uncertainties that plagued the outside world faded into insignificance. Our hearts found solace in each other's presence, as a profound bond transcended mere words. The silent vigil we shared, with my palm cradling your weary head, was a testament to the love and devotion that flowed between us.

the beginning of hospice care - may 5-12th, 2023

The initial days were a bewildering mix of emotions. I grappled with uncertainty, unsure of how to navigate this new reality. Each day, I found myself returning home, compelled to spend precious moments by your side. It was a period coinciding with final exams, but I was fortunate to have just one paper to complete, affording me the luxury of time to be with you.

Those initial days were heart-wrenching. The sight of you in the hospice bed, no longer the person you once were, was a difficult reality to confront. You remained there throughout the day, and I struggled to come to terms with the profound changes.

Taking care of you, in a practical sense, was not the challenge. What was truly agonizing was witnessing the effects of the medication as it began to take hold. You started to scream, and I can still vividly recall the phone call from Mom, her voice laden with concern, relaying the distressing news. At first, I couldn't quite believe it, but when I returned home, the unending cries pierced the air. I entered your room, desperately asking, "What's wrong?" Yet, there was no response. I climbed into your bed and held you close, clinging to the belief that my embrace might offer some comfort.

In those moments of helplessness, all I could do was provide the solace of a warm hug, a small gesture in the face of overwhelming pain. It was a stark reminder of the limits of my ability to alleviate your suffering, a lesson in the powerlessness that can accompany profound love and empathy.

https://youtube.com/shorts/V9EhAWBid8s?feature=share

the last time i saw you - may 16th, 2023

Our home was filled with the joyous chatter of friends who had gathered to see you. As the night wore on, I prepared to say my goodbyes.

Yet, as I approached to bid you farewell, something extraordinary unfolded. I sank into your favorite chair, and what was meant to be a brief parting turned into an unexpected 15-minute conversation.

During that time, we exchanged stories and shared laughter. It felt as if time had folded, returning us to an era when life was simpler. Your attentive responses spoke volumes of our deep connection.

Reluctantly, I rose from the chair, ready to take my leave. But before I did, I posed a question: "Are you hungry? Would you like some chicken nuggets?" Your silent nod was all I needed to see, and I promised, “I'll make sure to bring some next time I see you.” I sealed our time together with a gentle kiss on your forehead, leaving with the warmth of that precious moment in my heart.

the day before - may 19th, 2023

It was a night of celebration as my parents and I gathered at a friend's house for a pre-graduation dinner. Laughter and camaraderie filled the air as we honored our achievements, knowing that the senior ball awaited us afterward.

We cherished these moments of togetherness, savoring the joy before diving into the senior ball festivities.

As the evening neared its end, my parents turned to me and asked, "Would you like to come home and visit Ammachi?" I hesitated for a moment, considering the long drive and the need to prepare for senior ball. In the end, I declined, saying, "Nah, it's quite a drive, and I need to get ready for senior ball. I'll see her on Sunday."

Little did I know, those words would weigh on my heart ever since as I attended senior ball, unaware of the profound impact they would have on me.

the day it all went down - may 20th, 2023

It was a day filled with more events and emotions than I could have ever anticipated. In truth, it felt like three distinct days rolled into one.

The first part of this day was the aftermath of our senior ball, a night filled with laughter and celebration of our graduation. I remember the joy of being with my friends and the satisfaction of our shared accomplishment. This first segment lasted until 9 am, which included an unforgettable, barefoot walk from the senior ball venue back to Georgetown. The night culminated in a sleepover at Karan's Jes Res in preparation for the senior sunrise. Even though the morning was overcast, we gathered to mark this special occasion. Breakfast followed, and by the time I was back in bed, it was 9 am. Day one, complete.

The "second" part of this day was the graduation ceremony itself, a traditional and uneventful affair. I received my diploma with pride, surrounded by family and friends who had come to support me. Among the crowd were friends from church and Georgetown, but most importantly, my parents, radiating with joy. However, after the ceremony, my parents pulled me aside and delivered devastating news: they believed your time was drawing to a close. I couldn't fathom what I had just heard, and I broke down in tears. They asked if I wanted to go home, but I hesitated, ultimately deciding to see her the next day. In this one day, I had experienced the spectrum of emotions that life can offer, from the elation of graduating to the sorrow of impending loss. Day two, complete.

The "third" part of this day still feels surreal. My plan was to attend the School of Foreign Service graduation to celebrate with friends, but I arrived late. As I sat with friends, a text exchange with my mom changed everything:

Mom: “I think you should come home.”

Me: “Can it wait until 6:30?”

Mom: “We don’t feel a pulse.”

Shock coursed through me. I bolted from the middle of the row, ignoring cautionary texts from friends about driving carefully. My sole purpose was to get to you as quickly as possible. I raced home in 25 minutes, praying fervently along the way. Dark clouds loomed ominously over Tysons Corner, a stark contrast to the sunny weather at Georgetown, and I couldn't shake the feeling of impending doom. I prayed, "God, just give me a few minutes with her. That's all I'm asking. It can't end like this."

I pulled into the driveway, rushed inside, and received a tearful confirmation from my mom: she was gone. I ran to her room, where she lay lifeless in her hospice bed. Tears streamed down my face, and I couldn't believe it. My beloved Ammini, my confidante, was gone, and the last words I had spoken to her were, "I'll see you soon."

The tears flowed, and I was overwhelmed with grief. My aunt, uncle, and cousins were already present, and soon our home was filled with people offering support. They congratulated me on my achievements, but in that moment, those accomplishments meant nothing.

We held the first two funeral services at home. I sat in your bed, clinging to the hope that somehow she'd return with her infectious laughter, and everything would return to normal. The nurse arrived to officially pronounce her passing, and our hope dwindled. She uttered those heart-wrenching words, "I'm sorry to say but she has passed away."

Around 10 pm, the funeral home arrived to take her away. I watched as they gently placed her on a stretcher, and I couldn't hold back the tears. I leaned in for one final kiss on her forehead and whispered, "I love you, Ammini." Then, I watched as they drove away with her. Embraced by everyone still present, I heard their words: "Your relationship with Ammachi was unlike any other."

That night, I drove back to Georgetown, unable to stay at home. Loneliness enveloped me on the drive, but the encouraging texts and calls from friends kept me going. Knowing I had a supportive community outside my immediate family was my lifeline. Day three, concluded.

What a day it had been. There were so many plans I had with my friends post-graduation, but none of it mattered in that moment.

This goes out as a message to anyone reading this far down: if you reached out to me and/or my family after this event, thank you! I could not have gotten through it without your encouraging messages. I love you all very much <3.

a visit from your sister - may 23rd, 2023

Your sister made the journey all the way from New York to attend the funeral. She arrived late in the evening, tired from her travels, yet somehow, she found the strength to stay awake and talk. It was an opportunity for me to ask her questions about how you had taken care of her.

"Amminimama would teach us physics, chemistry, and biology," she revealed. I was struck by this revelation. Despite the limitations life had placed on your education and career, you made it a priority to ensure your younger sisters received an education. It was a facet of your life that you had never shared with us. My respect for you deepened even further. You never allowed those who told you "no" to hold you back. Instead, you empowered your sisters to progress in this world. They became nurses because of you, and your sister in New York was able to work as a nurse there, all thanks to your influence. I was, am, and will always be proud to be your grandson.

Interacting with Leela Ammachi felt like interacting with you all over again. Her mannerisms, the way she spoke, the expressions she used – they were all identical to yours. It was as if you were still there with us. I cherished these moments because it was like I was back to taking care of my grandmother. I teased her playfully, and all she kept saying was, "We have to find Noah and Rahul beautiful girls." I laughed and replied, "Keep your eye out for me and let me know, but I'm too young right now."

Caring for your sister was an incredible experience, and I wished you could have been there to see her one last time. She spoke so highly of you, emphasizing the profound impact you had on the people in your life.

the day of the funeral - may 24th, 2023

I had no idea what to expect. I was told by a friend not to anticipate anything, just let the emotions come.

The funeral service was going on, and I was going to give a eulogy. I had nothing prepared for it, I did not know what to say. Five minutes before I go up to speak, I’m on the notes app on my phone jotting down some points I want to talk about.

I tried my best to keep it together, but I could not hold back the tears. I did not want to accept the fact that you were gone. I explained to everyone there how much you meant to me and how it was a blessing to take care and how much of an impact you had on my life. Speaking about you in this setting was tough, and it was the first time it hit me that you were gone. I denied it as much as I could, but this was where I accepted it.

I stood next to your casket as much as possible because it was the last time I could be your caretaker. It was the last time I could do it while you were physically here with us.

The following is from a religious song that struck me during the service itself.

The stanza that struck me was within the fourth service of the funeral service. The song itself is from the perspective of the departed soul - I think, hopefully, this is not blasphemy - and the meaning of this particular stanza is powerful:

“My belov`ed ones – I am terrified. Great fear has seized me and has disturbed my mind. Christ the King has sent – His messenger to Lead me away so I leave you with sorrow.”

In this heartfelt part, the departed soul talks about feeling really scared and upset. They believe a messenger from Christ the King has come to take them away, causing sadness for their loved ones. The situation is complex due to the mix of strong emotions, the spiritual aspect of the divine messenger, and the difficulty of saying goodbye to their dear ones.

As the guy in charge of the songs at church, I often dig into the meanings of the lyrics. Being part of the church service helps me grasp different aspects, and one stanza really hit me. Even though there's a lot to understand in the service, this observation stuck with me.

Your fear at that moment matched the song's emotion from my perspective. It made me feel helpless, knowing I couldn't ease your worry. This realization weighed on me, becoming a significant part of that moment.

During that part of the service, Dad, Mom, Chach, and I covered your face with a veil—a heartfelt moment. It was tough because that was the last time I saw your face, making it the saddest moment of the whole service. Knowing I wouldn't see that familiar face again hit me hard.

Despite the sadness, having family and friends around brought comfort, showing how important a community is in tough times like these.

the day after the funeral - may 25th, 2023

It marked the first day when your absence hit hard. The house echoed with solitude—no family or friends, just Mom, Dad, and me. As I awoke, the usual routine of barging into your room awaited, but this time, you weren't there. The weight of that realization hit me like a ton of bricks, leaving me devastated. Without a second thought, I left the quiet house and made my way to your grave.

Standing there, it became my way of staying connected with you. I pretended we were having a conversation, watching videos of you just to feel your presence. The stark realization set in that I needed to actively work through this overwhelming feeling; it had become a mental block within me. All I could fathom was that overcoming this would be a journey, one that required time and patience.

fight with your son - may 31st, 2023

One morning, I woke up to find that Dad, your son, seemed to have started the day on the wrong foot. A storm brewed in the air as he picked a fight with me, expressing frustration about me spending too much time away from home. The tension escalated as Dad nitpicked every little thing, leaving me on edge. Despite my efforts to comply with his wishes and complete tasks, it felt like every accomplishment only led to more demands.

Eventually, frustration got the better of me, and the clash intensified. We prayed together before I left, but in the heat of the moment, I didn't say goodbye to either Dad or Mom.

As I drove away, self-reflection consumed me. What was wrong with me? Had I not learned from my experiences? If that were to be my last interaction with my parents, could I be proud of it as a son? It dawned on me that I hadn't absorbed the lessons from my past encounters with you.

So, Dad and Mom, if you happen to read this, I want to express my sincere apologies for my actions that day.

Reflecting on that incident, I realized I usually excel at living in the moment and ending relationships on a positive note. However, May was an exception. Now, whenever conflicts arise, I make a point to apologize and ensure we part ways amicably.

Life has a way of driving home important lessons, and I experienced this firsthand twice within a two-week span. While the consequences of my actions caught up with me once, I'm grateful it didn't happen again.

i’m going to LA - june 20th, 2023 - the one month

A week prior, I got the news that my first military assignment was no longer taking me to Mississippi. The revelation came in the midst of your first month, adding a layer of significance. Fresh from hanging out with friends, I decided to make an impromptu visit to your grave.

There, amidst the quiet surroundings, I updated you on the recent happenings in my life. Seeking solace and strength, I sang your favorite Malayalam devotional songs, and we shared a moment of prayer. I sought guidance for the upcoming move, wherever it might be.

As I went through my nightly teeth routine, an email from my ROTC detachment commander appeared with the subject "new base." To my amazement, I discovered I was headed to Los Angeles! I'm not one to easily believe in coincidences, but the unfolding of events seemed like a testament to the constant presence of a guardian angel—perhaps you—watching over me.

Without hesitation, I woke up Dad and Mom, and excitement filled the air. While I wish I could have shared this news with you in person, knowing that you were with me in spirit brought immense comfort and joy.

first time reading the landlord story - june 23rd, 2023

The following is a story from your son:

"The monthly rent of Rs. 100 for our apartment in Secunderabad was overdue. The landlord warned Ammachi of consequences if she did not pay by a certain date. What was Ammachi to do? Money was tight because Appacha's check had yet to arrive from Dubai, where he worked. She held onto hope that the check would arrive before the landlord's deadline; unfortunately, the check did not come. One day, after the deadline came and went, there was a hard knock on the door, followed by a loud voice ordering Ammachi to open the door. She knew it was trouble in the form of the landlord.

Ammachi opened the door with trepidation; true to her fears, standing in front of the door were the landlord and two of his goons. She stood at the door's threshold, blocking the entrance to the apartment, and faced the irate landlord, who was gesturing furiously and shouting at the top of his voice. After hearing the commotion, I ran to the door and squeezed my head between the doorpost and Ammachi's waist to see what was happening. I was around seven, a little kid; my head was barely above Ammachi's waist. The scene I saw left a lasting impression on me. In front of me was a rough-hewn man in a long white shirt and white mundu yelling and screaming in Telugu; next to me, facing him, was my mom, scared and helpless on the inside and unable to communicate her thoughts in Telugu; she only knew that language's basics. Despite those inner feelings, she maintained a strong posture externally and stood up to the landlord, who backed down after giving her another warning.

Who could she turn to in her helplessness? There was no one. Neither my sister nor I could do anything: we were little. Neither relatives nor friends were easily reachable: we had no phone. How did Ammachi find the money to pay the rent? Did Appacha's check come in time? Did Ammachi borrow money from friends? I am not sure. One thing I am sure of is that she prayed over the issue. God showed her the way through that dark time.

The above incident is not isolated; it happened several times while we lived in that apartment. Ammachi faced many such challenges, often alone. She stood up to tough times as a young girl, a wife, and a mother: mostly as a lone warrior. She learned to internalize her grief because she did not have a shoulder to cry on. Consequently, one has never seen her cry, not even in the darkest times.

The above scene is etched on my mind: Ammachi standing at the door and protecting my sister and me from the demon outside."

You bore the weight of numerous trials throughout your life, yet you never uttered a complaint to anyone. Each hardship, you faced head-on, persistently pushing through and steadfastly providing for your kids with unwavering determination. Was it the picture-perfect life? Perhaps not, but you strived to offer them the best possible life within the confines of challenging circumstances. I never witnessed genuine tears streaming down your face; that's when I realized you were always putting on a facade. It's only after you passed away that I heard these stories, and my admiration for you soared to new heights. The strength you silently carried and the sacrifices you made became even more apparent, painting a richer portrait of your resilience and love for your family.

the 40th day celebration - july 2nd, 2023

The celebration for you brought together a diverse mix of people from various friend groups, creating an incredible tapestry of camaraderie. It was a sight to behold—friends I had recently forged close bonds with mingling seamlessly with those I had known for what felt like forever. The diversity in the room mirrored the multifaceted nature of the memories we shared.

Witnessing this union of friendships, both new and longstanding, filled me with joy. I wished I could somehow unveil the essence of who you were to them because, in many ways, a significant part of who I am today is a result of caring for you. It's a challenge to encapsulate your essence in words, but your influence runs deep within me.

The gathering underscored the strength of community, a crucial pillar that has consistently supported families during challenging times. Having a community wherever I go has been one of the most profound aspects of my life. The people who showed up that day, and many others, played an instrumental role in helping me navigate this intricate process. Their presence became a source of solace, and their collective support formed a powerful thread woven into the fabric of my journey through these trying times.

day of the move to los angeles - september 21st, 2023

The alarm blared at an ungodly hour, waking me at 4:30 am, ensuring I was meticulously packed for the impending move. Once the bags were zipped and essentials checked off, we gathered for a heartfelt prayer before embarking on a poignant journey to your grave. It dawned on me that this would mark the final time I'd lay eyes on it before delving into the uncharted waters of the next chapter. In the preceding summer, I made a concerted effort to visit you as often as possible, a ritual that brought a sense of comfort and connection. Alas, with the impending cross-country move, those visits would become a thing of the past.

As I bid farewell to your resting place, tears welled up, a testament to the profound void your absence left. Your presence, once a source of solace, now lingered in the memories, a constant ache in the backdrop of everyday life. The stress of uprooting my life and traversing the vast expanse of the country loomed heavily, yet I concealed the turmoil beneath a veneer of composure. The uncertainty of the new reality gnawed at me, and the prospect of the unknown stirred a quiet fear within. I've always strived not to burden my parents with my concerns, and in times like these, you were the confidant I turned to for solace.

Feeling the weight of your absence intensify as I left, a bittersweet mix of sorrow and gratitude engulfed me. Yet, even in the midst of the uncertainty, I clung to the belief that you, from your ethereal perch, watched over me as a guiding presence through the uncharted journey ahead.

first day of work - september 22nd, 2023

It was your birthday, and, quite remarkably, my first day of work coincided with this special day. The cosmic alignment seemed improbable—out of an entire year, the Air Force decided to send me to Los Angeles on this particular week. The timing was uncanny, almost as if you were orchestrating things from beyond. Your subtle but powerful influence manifested, affirming that you were walking alongside me every step of the way.

This serendipitous occurrence became a poignant reminder that your guiding presence continued to work its magic in my life. It was a reassurance that I carried with me, providing profound comfort. In that moment, the stress of the impending move seemed to ease as the realization settled in—I had you watching over me. This knowledge became a source of strength, transforming the daunting prospect of relocation into a journey guided by the comforting presence of your spirit.

start of the new year - january 1st, 2024

I had just returned with my friend after a lively night out in San Francisco, ringing in the new year (shout out to Varun!). The clock had ticked its way to about 4:00 am, and exhaustion enveloped me as I sank into the comforting embrace of the couch. In the quiet of the early morning, my mind began to wander, and it struck me that this would mark the first full year without you.

A solitary tear traced its path down my cheek, yet, strangely, a smile played on my lips. Despite the bittersweet reality, there was an excitement bubbling within me for what this new year held in store. The advent of 2023 ushered in a whirlwind of emotions, each wave bringing its own set of highs and lows. Amidst it all, however, there was a profound happiness that lingered as the year drew to a close.

The culmination of the year left me content, and I found solace in the belief that you had become my guardian angel, watching over me. As I looked forward to the upcoming year, a reassuring sense washed over me—I knew I'd be taken care of, guided by the invisible but ever-present influence of your spirit.

I gleaned invaluable insights from our shared journey, distilling them into four profound lessons: the art of patience, tempering expectations of others, the transformative power of unconditional love, and the paramount importance of valuing time with people.

Your knack for testing me with your words initially triggered irritation within me. However, as the realization dawned that changing you was beyond my control, the pangs of irritation subsided. In their place, a wellspring of patience emerged. Whether it was assisting you in the shower, accompanying you on your leisurely walks, or aiding you after a fall, these instances tested my patience as they unfolded at a pace different from my own. A shift in mindset, embracing your unique rhythm, not only made caregiving smoother but also transformed me into a more patient and understanding individual.

Every interaction with you presented the certainty that things would not unfold according to plan. Yet, in embracing the unpredictability, I learned to adapt. Your frequent falls became opportunities for me to be the one to lift you up, reinforcing your belief in yourself. Dealing with you required unwavering patience as everything took longer, but this challenge sculpted me into a better person for those around me.

Navigating the intricate dance of caregiving also revealed the importance of tempering expectations of others. Growing up, I harbored expectations that you would seamlessly perform simple tasks like walking and showering, akin to me. The epiphany struck during Super Bowl 2022 weekend when the undeniable truth crystallized – you couldn't match the agility of the younger generation. Letting go of unrealistic expectations made the task of caring for you more manageable, paving the way for a broader understanding that life unfolds differently for each individual.

In the tapestry of our relationship, one of the most profound lessons came from witnessing your transformation from a harbinger of negativity to a beacon of positivity. The latter years of your life, characterized by a more carefree and joyful demeanor, left an indelible mark. The metamorphosis instilled in me the resolve to be a source of positivity to everyone I encounter. The shift in your disposition underscored the significance of showing love to everyone, even during challenging times.

Being positive became a conscious choice, a tribute to the joy you found in your later years. This realization prompted a commitment never to harbor negativity towards those around me. Every interaction, whether with family, friends, or strangers, became an opportunity to leave a positive impact and gain new perspectives on life.

The realization that time is a fleeting commodity took on profound significance through our shared experiences. The abruptness of life's uncertainties was starkly evident when I saw you the Tuesday before you passed, uttering words of assurance that we would meet again. An opportunity arose to see you the day before your passing, and despite intentions to spend the next two weeks caring for you, life took an unexpected turn.

As I stood by your lifeless form, observing the lifelessness in your troubled leg, questions arose about the potential challenges of those two weeks. The stark imagery of toes, feet, and even a leg succumbing to life's inevitable decay became a poignant consideration. Self-reflection led me to conclude that witnessing such pain would not have been in anyone's best interest.

In retrospect, there was an inexplicable oversight in not seizing the chance to see you one last time. The belief that I could control the unfolding events proved fallacious. The dark times, however, served as crucibles for profound lessons. I pledged to keep my phone on at all times, even if I am not the most adept at texting. This commitment is not a boastful claim of answering every call but stems from the understanding that each call is a potential last interaction with a loved one. A refusal to miss out on a conversation, no matter how mundane, became a guiding principle. The urgency to make the most of every second on this planet became an indelible lesson imparted by you, for which I am eternally grateful.

Ammini Susan Mathews, your presence has inspired a torrent of words from me, close to 9,000 in fact. A feat I never thought possible, reminiscent of the wordiness of my college years. Yet, it stands as a testament to the profound impact you've had on me. The highs and lows entwined in caring for an elderly soul are, without a doubt, outweighed by the indelible imprint you've left on my heart.

In shaping who I am today, credit is owed not only to my parents and brother but also to you. You stand as a monumental reason behind my ardent desire to care for those in my orbit. Your influence extends to the constant smile I wear, transcending the tumult of life's trials. You are a beacon, illuminating my love for life and instilling in me an appreciation for its smallest joys. Your teachings echo in my positive outlook, a philosophy I carry as a guiding light.

The endearing moniker "Dojay," a charming derivation of Soshamma, holds a special place in my heart. Its origins may have eluded me initially, but discovering the story behind it heightened my appreciation. This nickname, born in our family, has traveled the length and breadth of America, a cherished tale I love recounting. It serves as a testament to the profound impact you've had on our family's collective identity.

I may not have fulfilled the promise of having you witness my wedding or meet Dojay Jr., but rest assured, the Dojay name will endure. Your absence is palpable every day. Your timeless advice, "always make your mummy and daddy happy," resonates in my actions, albeit with a touch of humor - hopefully living up to your expectations.

Ammachi, I harbor an abundance of love for you. As I conclude this letter, I'm compelled to echo the closing words of every prayer you uttered:

“Daivame Sthuthi Ninakku Yogyamaakunnu, Barekmor.”

which translates to

“And to You belongs the praise O God, Barekmor.”

Your loving grandson,
Dojay (Rahul)

**disclaimer: the following discusses sensitive topics such as death and elderly care. feel free to take a break if needed and skip whole sections altogether if you don’t want to read them.

Dear Ammini (a.k.a. Ammachi, Soshakutty, and most importantly, my best friend),

This is going to be a long one, but I want you to know exactly what’s been going through my big head these past few months.

I thought I was ready for you to go, but all that mental preparation seemed to be for nothing. I presumed I would get a couple more months with you, but God had other plans.

After you left, I relived many moments in my mind. Thankfully, I have plenty of videos to offer readers a glimpse into our relationship.

the super bowl story - february 12th, 2022

There's a story that replays in my mind, echoing through my memory’s corridors. A certain tale marks the profound moment when I came face-to-face with the inevitable decline that besmears all of our lives, robbing us of control over certain things. Your sudden deterioration, forever etched in my heart, commenced moments before the Super Bowl we hosted.

With my parents in Los Angeles and my brother in North Carolina for the weekend, the responsibility to take care of you squarely fell on my shoulders. Unbeknownst to me, fate planned a challenge to test my abilities and strength.

Unexpectedly, a mishap occurred, leaving a mess that demanded my attention. In that moment, my mind raced, searching for a solution that I was ill-prepared to find. The impending arrival of my friends added to my distress, fueling my worry about their potential judgment. Among the emotions inundating me, anger swelled up like a tempest and obliterated my awareness of reality. My clouded judgment failed to see the helpless, 90-year-old woman before me.

That day, I regrettably uttered words that cannot be unsaid. However, I found solace in offering my heartfelt apologies with each passing day. Sincerely attempting to mend the wounds I inflicted, I took it upon myself to tend to your needs. I showered you twice, ensuring you were comfortable and clean before tucking you into bed. Thanks to the assistance of family members living nearby, we resolved the accident. Despite nursing my blinding frustration, I carefully made you clean and comfortable for bed.

While I showered you twice, you showered me with uncountable apologies. Yet, consumed by anger, I remained indifferently deaf to your words. As I gently tucked you into bed, you whispered three magical words that resonate in my heart to this day, "I love you, Rahul!" In a tender gesture, you pressed a soft, loving kiss on my forehead. Only now, as time slips through my fingers like sand, do I comprehend that I won’t receive that cherished forehead kiss again. It dawns on me, ever so slowly, that this simple act of affection, this sweet display of love, will forever remain a memory, a void that I shall carry with me in this life.

you and the senior center - early september 2022

Coming back from India, I returned home with the goal of seeing you every day. Each day, without fail, I was thankfully able to make it back to see you. The distance meant nothing to me, for my heart yearned to ensure your well-being. Witnessing you in that facility tore at my core, for it was painfully evident that you resented being there. And truth be told, so did I.

In that place, where the light within you dimmed, I made a solemn promise. I hugged you tight, assuring you that you would be present for my wedding, where you would bear witness to the arrival of Rahul Jr. I pledged to move mountains, to do everything within my power to secure your place at these momentous occasions. Yet, the bitter reality now weighs heavily upon my heart, for I fear your absence shall cast a shadow over the joyous celebration.

As I entered your room, a flicker of joy illuminated your eyes. That radiant smile, born from the depths of your being, embraced me with its warmth. It was a simple pleasure, witnessing your delight as you savored the taste of Chick-fil-A nuggets, washing them down with a small Sprite. And as always, our time together culminated in your signature burp, a playful symphony that echoed through the room.

Gently, I tucked you in, inviting you to rest, and reluctantly bid my farewell. This ritual repeated itself, day after day, until the time when Dad, Mom, and Chacha returned from India. The pain of leaving you in that facility clung to my soul, its grip unyielding. Yet, circumstances beyond our control dictated this separation. My yearning to be by your side, to bask in your presence as frequently as possible, propelled me on that daily pilgrimage from Georgetown. And looking back, every single mile traversed was a small price to pay for the precious moments we shared.

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the end of a bad week - september 23rd, 2022

Amidst the depths of despair, a week unfolded before me, heavy with the weight of anguish. Hatred permeated my every fiber as I sealed my emotions away, refusing to grant them an audience. My downtrodden spirit, hidden behind a smile, shielded me from prying eyes. Regardless of my own struggles, I clung to the belief that it was my duty to paint joy upon the faces of those around me. But within, a tempest raged, its fury unyielding.

Embarking on the metro home, my mood stuck in darkness, I succumbed to tears that flowed unabated. Nothing seemed to align with my desires, and frustration consumed me entirely. Chacha came to pick me up, unaware of the turmoil that churned within. Though I managed to veil my distress, deep within my thoughts, I unleashed a torrent of curses, directed at everything that dared to stand against me. Internal anger blazed, threatening to consume me entirely.

And yet, as I crossed the threshold into your room, a transformative magic transpired. Instantly, my burdens, stresses, and emotions melted away like snowflakes upon a warm embrace. Your radiant smile, a beacon of pure joy, effortlessly mended the wounds within my soul. It became effortless to forgive and forget the tribulations that had plagued me. In that sacred moment, I wrapped my arms around you, embracing you tightly, and just like that, harmony was restored. The sight of you held the power to ground me, to bring me back to the realm of reality. While the world of academia whisked me away, engulfing me in the life of a college student with dreams of a promising future, you remained my constant reminder. A reminder to cherish the present, to be grateful for all that I possessed in the here and now.

In your presence, I discovered solace and found strength anew. And as I gazed into your eyes, an unspoken pact formed—a vow to always savor the beauty of the present moment, to hold gratitude close to my heart, and to forever cherish the light you brought into my world.

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you and the senior center pt.2 - october 7th, 2022

The day arrived when I was entrusted with the task of dropping off some belongings for you at the senior center. It was essential to ensure you were settled before I headed back to school for homecoming festivities. Additionally, I had a wedding to attend in Cancun, adding a layer of urgency to my schedule. As I made my way to the center, I couldn't help but feel a mixture of anticipation and unease.

When I entered, there you were, sitting alone in the spacious living area, fixated on the flickering television screen. I approached you from behind, and as if sensing my presence, you greeted me with that familiar smile that never failed to warm my heart. Placing the items I had brought on your bed, I settled down beside you, eager to spend a precious few minutes in your company.

I reached into my bag and retrieved a packet of Parle-G biscuits, a delightful treat we both cherished. Handing it to you, I watched as you playfully attempted to open the packet yourself, even though I had already taken care of it. It brought a smile to my face, witnessing your determination and childlike curiosity. Those moments were etched in my memory, forever treasured.

Deep within, I harbored a sense of disdain for this particular senior center, a place that felt devoid of warmth and care. It pained me to see you amidst strangers, surrounded by an environment that seemed alien to your very essence. You deserved to be cherished and tended to with the same love and devotion as we provided at home.

Before bidding you farewell, I made a promise—a promise that hung in the air, a lifeline of hope. I assured you that I would return the following Wednesday to bring you back to the comfort of our home. With those words, I hoped to alleviate the unease that clung to your being, to offer you a glimmer of solace in the face of uncertainty.

picking you up from the senior center - october 12th, 2022

The moment had arrived—I stepped into the senior center, fully prepared to bring you home. The wheelchair, positioned beside your bed, stood as a symbol of our impending departure. Yet, as I approached, a pang of disquiet settled within me. You did not recognize me. I spoke your name, but my words seemed to dissolve in the air, unheard and disregarded. Confusion gripped my heart until a realization dawned upon me—the hesitation that lingered in your eyes revealed a reluctance to leave the comfort of your bed.

It became apparent that an accident had occurred, and you needed assistance in cleansing yourself. Urgently, I summoned the nurse, grateful for their expertise in attending to your needs. With their capable hands, you were tended to, offering respite from the discomfort that had besieged you. As I gently guided you into the wheelchair, a radiant smile blossomed across your face. You were ready, eager to return home, where familiar comforts awaited you.

On the journey back, I indulged your taste buds, offering McDonald's nuggets and a Sprite, your favorite treats. As we traversed the road, fatigue overtook you, and you succumbed to slumber. It was in that moment, as tears welled in my eyes, that a flood of memories washed over me. I was reminded of the Super Bowl weekend, a time when you, too, sought to conceal an accident, shielding me from witnessing your vulnerability. As your grandson, you had always been determined to shield me from your struggles, never wanting me to witness your lowest moments. Yet, time and time again, I stood witness to your challenges. Assisting you in your moments of need, tending to you at your worst—these were the moments that I cherished as your caretaker.

In this instance, once more, you endeavored to protect me from witnessing your decline. It served as a gentle reminder of the journey we were embarking on together—a journey marked by your gradual decline, a reality that I had to come to terms with. Yet, as I reflected upon our bond and the love we shared, it became clear that being there for you in your most vulnerable moments was an honor and a privilege. It was a testament to the depth of our connection and the resilience that coursed through our intertwined lives.

mathews family board meeting - december 27th, 2022

It was a moment that etched itself into my memory—the first time I bore witness to the stark reality of your declining health. We had plans to dine in DC, so we decided to have dinner earlier, around 6 pm. As the evening progressed, the time came for you to embark on your nightly routine, and I yearned to offer my assistance. You managed your bathroom duties, but as we began the journey back to your room, it became evident that you were struggling, stumbling along the way. Fearing a fall, I held you firmly, providing support so that you wouldn't lose your balance. It was disheartening to witness how even simple tasks, like using the bathroom, took a toll on your weakened body, rendering you unable to walk.

Finally, we reached your bed, and in an unexpected moment, you relinquished your grip on the walker, surrendering to your fatigue. Dad and I struggled to help you onto the bed, our efforts intermingled with a mixture of love and determination. Throughout it all, you maintained a serene smile, as if resiliently embracing the challenges life had placed before you. As we tenderly placed the sheet over you and tucked you in, you bestowed upon us another heartwarming smile, bidding us a gentle "good night, mone!" Yet, the weight of the situation bore down on me, and I hastened to my room, overcome with emotions. Unleashing a torrent of tears, I could not bear to witness my beloved grandmother in such a frail state. In the past, I always knew how to uplift your spirits, but now, no matter what I did, I realized it would not extend your time with us. It would not bring you to the significant milestones of my life that I yearned for you to be present at.

Later, at the restaurant, the topic arose, shrouded in a cloak of somber concern—how long we could expect you to be with us, as we all witnessed the rapid decline of your health. Amidst the heavy atmosphere, I shared my honest thoughts, expressing the belief that you would not last the entirety of 2023. In my heart, I feared that we would bid farewell to you within the first half of the year.

one of the best weeks of my life - super bowl weekend 2023

As my parents went to Phoenix, and my brother began his work in New York, the idea of placing you in a senior center crossed their minds. But I reassured them, promising to take charge of the situation. After all, we had a dedicated caretaker at home who would provide assistance if needed. Little did I know that fate had other plans in store. At the end of the week, our caretaker resigned, leaving me with the sole responsibility of caring for you. Suddenly, I found myself thrust into a familiar role, reminiscent of the challenges faced during the previous Super Bowl weekend. However, this time, I was equipped with prior experience, knowing exactly what to expect.

Thank Karthave, there was a chair available to support you during showers, sparing us from the daunting task of holding you up. I can't express my gratitude enough for this small comfort. The daily routine unfolded, encompassing the nourishment of meals, flossing and brushing your teeth, tending to your bedtime rituals, and simply sitting by your side, offering companionship. Interestingly, the caretaker's departure brought an unexpected silver lining. It granted me an invaluable opportunity to spend an abundance of time with you. Every moment during that week held immense significance, as I wholeheartedly embraced the privilege of caring for you. During those days, I was consumed by a single purpose—ensuring your well-being. The weight of the world seemed to fade away, for my only concern was to tend to your needs.

In truth, I cherished each and every second spent caring for you. The absence of worldly worries allowed me to wholeheartedly focus on your comfort and happiness. This week became a treasure trove of memories, filled with moments that will forever hold a special place in my heart. I had the honor of devoting my time solely to you, an opportunity that I embraced wholeheartedly. The responsibilities that came with it were a small price to pay, for the chance to nurture and protect you was a gift beyond measure.

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taking care of you at home - april 23rd, 2023

Before heading to our cherished sushi spot in Herndon, I was entrusted with caring for you for a couple of hours. Fresh from your nap, Dad provided me with explicit instructions on administering the specially prepared water concoction meant for you. As I handed you the glass of water, your instinctive response, as always, was to ask if I wanted anything. I gently declined, assuring you that it was all for your well-being. With determination, you finished the water, and in that moment, I enveloped you in a warm embrace. Subsequently, you lay down, unable to see my face, and you made a heartfelt request, "Mone, nee kaniche moham ona? Moham enne enikku ona thanne!" Apologies for the Manglish, but it loosely translates to, "Son, can I see your face? Let me hold your face!" In response, I felt a tender kiss planted on my forehead, and my eyes welled up with tears.

As I experienced this poignant exchange, a question echoed within me: "How many more times will I be blessed with this precious gesture?" Anger welled up, fueled by the realization that there was nothing I could do to alleviate your struggle.

most traumatic experience of my life - may 1st, 2023

On a somber Monday morning, I had to return home to drop off the car. Still reeling from the absurd lassi incident that had occurred in my car, my initial plan was to head straight to your room. As I entered, my heart sank. Something was amiss. Your left leg appeared significantly darker compared to the other. Dad was on the phone with the doctor, explaining the worrisome situation. Within a mere five minutes, we found ourselves en route to the hospital. You lay across the second row of the car, your head resting gently on my lap. I caressed your head, whispering reassuring words, "Ammini, everything will be okay."

Upon reaching the hospital, we were ushered into a room to meet with the doctor. I decided to return home momentarily to clean the trunk of the car, which had suffered greatly from the spill. Two hours later, I returned to the hospital, prepared to receive news and explore the available options. The choices presented to us were stark:

1. Surgery to remove the clot from the vein.

2. Amputation.

3. Hospice care.

Shocked and overwhelmed, I sought solace in a conversation with Chach, who reminded me of my role in this tumultuous situation. "Be the calm presence," he advised. "Your dad is distressed, and your mom is simply trying to support him. You must guide them towards making the best decision." I mustered a response, "Yeah, I understand." Yet, deep down, I was just a 22-year-old struggling to come to terms with the enormity of the situation. Regardless, it was a responsibility I had to bear.

Then came the moment when I witnessed you at your lowest. The nurse requested a diaper change, and Mom, Dad, and I stepped outside the room. Engrossed in phone calls with concerned family members, we stood mere seconds away. Suddenly, piercing screams reverberated through the walls. Alarmed, I hurried back inside, finding the nurse in need of assistance. You were hungry and thirsty, but the hospital regulations prevented us from providing immediate relief. You screamed in agony, your movements uncontrollable, as you bit at the wires tethered to your body.

In that moment, I faced the most challenging task as your grandson—I had to restrain you. I grasped both your arms, placing my forehead against yours. I reassured you, "Ammini, don't worry. I will never let anything happen to you." Still, your desperate attempts to bite persisted, so I offered my hand as an outlet for your frustration. You sank your teeth into my hand, and though the pain seared through me, it paled in comparison to the agony you were enduring. I couldn't bear to witness you gnawing at the vital wires monitoring your well-being. Direct your frustration at me, I thought. We succeeded in changing your diaper, yet the pain persisted. You shivered from the cold, lacking a sheet to provide warmth, so I enveloped you in a tight embrace, hoping to soothe and comfort you. To my surprise, you gradually calmed down. However, I remained in a state of shock, grappling with the weight of what I had just experienced.

The night wore on, stretching past 1 am, and exhaustion washed over me. I returned home and sank into bed, tears streaming down my face. I couldn't bear to see you in such agony, and once again, the overwhelming sense of helplessness engulfed me. There was nothing I could do to alleviate your pain, and it shattered my heart.

taking care of you in the hospital - may 4th 2023

Dad and Mom needed to step away from the hospital briefly, attending to work matters that demanded their attention. In their absence, I assumed the role of a watchful guardian, ensuring your well-being. Drawing my chair closer to your bedside, I positioned myself right by your side, my gaze fixed upon your tired form. Exhaustion clung to you, and the weariness in your eyes revealed your longing for respite. In a tender gesture, I gently placed my palm beside your head, seeking to offer a comforting presence.

As fate would have it, a wave of drowsiness washed over you, coaxing you into a peaceful slumber. To my astonishment, you found solace in resting your head upon my palm. In that quiet room, an unspoken connection enveloped us, as you nestled into the gentle cradle of my hand. And as your breathing slowed, I, too, succumbed to the soothing embrace of sleep.

In that tender moment, time stood still. The worries and uncertainties that plagued the outside world faded into insignificance. Our hearts found solace in each other's presence, as a profound bond transcended mere words. The silent vigil we shared, with my palm cradling your weary head, was a testament to the love and devotion that flowed between us.

the beginning of hospice care - may 5-12th, 2023

The initial days were a bewildering mix of emotions. I grappled with uncertainty, unsure of how to navigate this new reality. Each day, I found myself returning home, compelled to spend precious moments by your side. It was a period coinciding with final exams, but I was fortunate to have just one paper to complete, affording me the luxury of time to be with you.

Those initial days were heart-wrenching. The sight of you in the hospice bed, no longer the person you once were, was a difficult reality to confront. You remained there throughout the day, and I struggled to come to terms with the profound changes.

Taking care of you, in a practical sense, was not the challenge. What was truly agonizing was witnessing the effects of the medication as it began to take hold. You started to scream, and I can still vividly recall the phone call from Mom, her voice laden with concern, relaying the distressing news. At first, I couldn't quite believe it, but when I returned home, the unending cries pierced the air. I entered your room, desperately asking, "What's wrong?" Yet, there was no response. I climbed into your bed and held you close, clinging to the belief that my embrace might offer some comfort.

In those moments of helplessness, all I could do was provide the solace of a warm hug, a small gesture in the face of overwhelming pain. It was a stark reminder of the limits of my ability to alleviate your suffering, a lesson in the powerlessness that can accompany profound love and empathy.

https://youtube.com/shorts/V9EhAWBid8s?feature=share

the last time i saw you - may 16th, 2023

Our home was filled with the joyous chatter of friends who had gathered to see you. As the night wore on, I prepared to say my goodbyes.

Yet, as I approached to bid you farewell, something extraordinary unfolded. I sank into your favorite chair, and what was meant to be a brief parting turned into an unexpected 15-minute conversation.

During that time, we exchanged stories and shared laughter. It felt as if time had folded, returning us to an era when life was simpler. Your attentive responses spoke volumes of our deep connection.

Reluctantly, I rose from the chair, ready to take my leave. But before I did, I posed a question: "Are you hungry? Would you like some chicken nuggets?" Your silent nod was all I needed to see, and I promised, “I'll make sure to bring some next time I see you.” I sealed our time together with a gentle kiss on your forehead, leaving with the warmth of that precious moment in my heart.

the day before - may 19th, 2023

It was a night of celebration as my parents and I gathered at a friend's house for a pre-graduation dinner. Laughter and camaraderie filled the air as we honored our achievements, knowing that the senior ball awaited us afterward.

We cherished these moments of togetherness, savoring the joy before diving into the senior ball festivities.

As the evening neared its end, my parents turned to me and asked, "Would you like to come home and visit Ammachi?" I hesitated for a moment, considering the long drive and the need to prepare for senior ball. In the end, I declined, saying, "Nah, it's quite a drive, and I need to get ready for senior ball. I'll see her on Sunday."

Little did I know, those words would weigh on my heart ever since as I attended senior ball, unaware of the profound impact they would have on me.

the day it all went down - may 20th, 2023

It was a day filled with more events and emotions than I could have ever anticipated. In truth, it felt like three distinct days rolled into one.

The first part of this day was the aftermath of our senior ball, a night filled with laughter and celebration of our graduation. I remember the joy of being with my friends and the satisfaction of our shared accomplishment. This first segment lasted until 9 am, which included an unforgettable, barefoot walk from the senior ball venue back to Georgetown. The night culminated in a sleepover at Karan's Jes Res in preparation for the senior sunrise. Even though the morning was overcast, we gathered to mark this special occasion. Breakfast followed, and by the time I was back in bed, it was 9 am. Day one, complete.

The "second" part of this day was the graduation ceremony itself, a traditional and uneventful affair. I received my diploma with pride, surrounded by family and friends who had come to support me. Among the crowd were friends from church and Georgetown, but most importantly, my parents, radiating with joy. However, after the ceremony, my parents pulled me aside and delivered devastating news: they believed your time was drawing to a close. I couldn't fathom what I had just heard, and I broke down in tears. They asked if I wanted to go home, but I hesitated, ultimately deciding to see her the next day. In this one day, I had experienced the spectrum of emotions that life can offer, from the elation of graduating to the sorrow of impending loss. Day two, complete.

The "third" part of this day still feels surreal. My plan was to attend the School of Foreign Service graduation to celebrate with friends, but I arrived late. As I sat with friends, a text exchange with my mom changed everything:

Mom: “I think you should come home.”

Me: “Can it wait until 6:30?”

Mom: “We don’t feel a pulse.”

Shock coursed through me. I bolted from the middle of the row, ignoring cautionary texts from friends about driving carefully. My sole purpose was to get to you as quickly as possible. I raced home in 25 minutes, praying fervently along the way. Dark clouds loomed ominously over Tysons Corner, a stark contrast to the sunny weather at Georgetown, and I couldn't shake the feeling of impending doom. I prayed, "God, just give me a few minutes with her. That's all I'm asking. It can't end like this."

I pulled into the driveway, rushed inside, and received a tearful confirmation from my mom: she was gone. I ran to her room, where she lay lifeless in her hospice bed. Tears streamed down my face, and I couldn't believe it. My beloved Ammini, my confidante, was gone, and the last words I had spoken to her were, "I'll see you soon."

The tears flowed, and I was overwhelmed with grief. My aunt, uncle, and cousins were already present, and soon our home was filled with people offering support. They congratulated me on my achievements, but in that moment, those accomplishments meant nothing.

We held the first two funeral services at home. I sat in your bed, clinging to the hope that somehow she'd return with her infectious laughter, and everything would return to normal. The nurse arrived to officially pronounce her passing, and our hope dwindled. She uttered those heart-wrenching words, "I'm sorry to say but she has passed away."

Around 10 pm, the funeral home arrived to take her away. I watched as they gently placed her on a stretcher, and I couldn't hold back the tears. I leaned in for one final kiss on her forehead and whispered, "I love you, Ammini." Then, I watched as they drove away with her. Embraced by everyone still present, I heard their words: "Your relationship with Ammachi was unlike any other."

That night, I drove back to Georgetown, unable to stay at home. Loneliness enveloped me on the drive, but the encouraging texts and calls from friends kept me going. Knowing I had a supportive community outside my immediate family was my lifeline. Day three, concluded.

What a day it had been. There were so many plans I had with my friends post-graduation, but none of it mattered in that moment.

This goes out as a message to anyone reading this far down: if you reached out to me and/or my family after this event, thank you! I could not have gotten through it without your encouraging messages. I love you all very much <3.

a visit from your sister - may 23rd, 2023

Your sister made the journey all the way from New York to attend the funeral. She arrived late in the evening, tired from her travels, yet somehow, she found the strength to stay awake and talk. It was an opportunity for me to ask her questions about how you had taken care of her.

"Amminimama would teach us physics, chemistry, and biology," she revealed. I was struck by this revelation. Despite the limitations life had placed on your education and career, you made it a priority to ensure your younger sisters received an education. It was a facet of your life that you had never shared with us. My respect for you deepened even further. You never allowed those who told you "no" to hold you back. Instead, you empowered your sisters to progress in this world. They became nurses because of you, and your sister in New York was able to work as a nurse there, all thanks to your influence. I was, am, and will always be proud to be your grandson.

Interacting with Leela Ammachi felt like interacting with you all over again. Her mannerisms, the way she spoke, the expressions she used – they were all identical to yours. It was as if you were still there with us. I cherished these moments because it was like I was back to taking care of my grandmother. I teased her playfully, and all she kept saying was, "We have to find Noah and Rahul beautiful girls." I laughed and replied, "Keep your eye out for me and let me know, but I'm too young right now."

Caring for your sister was an incredible experience, and I wished you could have been there to see her one last time. She spoke so highly of you, emphasizing the profound impact you had on the people in your life.

the day of the funeral - may 24th, 2023

I had no idea what to expect. I was told by a friend not to anticipate anything, just let the emotions come.

The funeral service was going on, and I was going to give a eulogy. I had nothing prepared for it, I did not know what to say. Five minutes before I go up to speak, I’m on the notes app on my phone jotting down some points I want to talk about.

I tried my best to keep it together, but I could not hold back the tears. I did not want to accept the fact that you were gone. I explained to everyone there how much you meant to me and how it was a blessing to take care and how much of an impact you had on my life. Speaking about you in this setting was tough, and it was the first time it hit me that you were gone. I denied it as much as I could, but this was where I accepted it.

I stood next to your casket as much as possible because it was the last time I could be your caretaker. It was the last time I could do it while you were physically here with us.

The following is from a religious song that struck me during the service itself.

The stanza that struck me was within the fourth service of the funeral service. The song itself is from the perspective of the departed soul - I think, hopefully, this is not blasphemy - and the meaning of this particular stanza is powerful:

“My belov`ed ones – I am terrified. Great fear has seized me and has disturbed my mind. Christ the King has sent – His messenger to Lead me away so I leave you with sorrow.”

In this heartfelt part, the departed soul talks about feeling really scared and upset. They believe a messenger from Christ the King has come to take them away, causing sadness for their loved ones. The situation is complex due to the mix of strong emotions, the spiritual aspect of the divine messenger, and the difficulty of saying goodbye to their dear ones.

As the guy in charge of the songs at church, I often dig into the meanings of the lyrics. Being part of the church service helps me grasp different aspects, and one stanza really hit me. Even though there's a lot to understand in the service, this observation stuck with me.

Your fear at that moment matched the song's emotion from my perspective. It made me feel helpless, knowing I couldn't ease your worry. This realization weighed on me, becoming a significant part of that moment.

During that part of the service, Dad, Mom, Chach, and I covered your face with a veil—a heartfelt moment. It was tough because that was the last time I saw your face, making it the saddest moment of the whole service. Knowing I wouldn't see that familiar face again hit me hard.

Despite the sadness, having family and friends around brought comfort, showing how important a community is in tough times like these.

the day after the funeral - may 25th, 2023

It marked the first day when your absence hit hard. The house echoed with solitude—no family or friends, just Mom, Dad, and me. As I awoke, the usual routine of barging into your room awaited, but this time, you weren't there. The weight of that realization hit me like a ton of bricks, leaving me devastated. Without a second thought, I left the quiet house and made my way to your grave.

Standing there, it became my way of staying connected with you. I pretended we were having a conversation, watching videos of you just to feel your presence. The stark realization set in that I needed to actively work through this overwhelming feeling; it had become a mental block within me. All I could fathom was that overcoming this would be a journey, one that required time and patience.

fight with your son - may 31st, 2023

One morning, I woke up to find that Dad, your son, seemed to have started the day on the wrong foot. A storm brewed in the air as he picked a fight with me, expressing frustration about me spending too much time away from home. The tension escalated as Dad nitpicked every little thing, leaving me on edge. Despite my efforts to comply with his wishes and complete tasks, it felt like every accomplishment only led to more demands.

Eventually, frustration got the better of me, and the clash intensified. We prayed together before I left, but in the heat of the moment, I didn't say goodbye to either Dad or Mom.

As I drove away, self-reflection consumed me. What was wrong with me? Had I not learned from my experiences? If that were to be my last interaction with my parents, could I be proud of it as a son? It dawned on me that I hadn't absorbed the lessons from my past encounters with you.

So, Dad and Mom, if you happen to read this, I want to express my sincere apologies for my actions that day.

Reflecting on that incident, I realized I usually excel at living in the moment and ending relationships on a positive note. However, May was an exception. Now, whenever conflicts arise, I make a point to apologize and ensure we part ways amicably.

Life has a way of driving home important lessons, and I experienced this firsthand twice within a two-week span. While the consequences of my actions caught up with me once, I'm grateful it didn't happen again.

i’m going to LA - june 20th, 2023 - the one month

A week prior, I got the news that my first military assignment was no longer taking me to Mississippi. The revelation came in the midst of your first month, adding a layer of significance. Fresh from hanging out with friends, I decided to make an impromptu visit to your grave.

There, amidst the quiet surroundings, I updated you on the recent happenings in my life. Seeking solace and strength, I sang your favorite Malayalam devotional songs, and we shared a moment of prayer. I sought guidance for the upcoming move, wherever it might be.

As I went through my nightly teeth routine, an email from my ROTC detachment commander appeared with the subject "new base." To my amazement, I discovered I was headed to Los Angeles! I'm not one to easily believe in coincidences, but the unfolding of events seemed like a testament to the constant presence of a guardian angel—perhaps you—watching over me.

Without hesitation, I woke up Dad and Mom, and excitement filled the air. While I wish I could have shared this news with you in person, knowing that you were with me in spirit brought immense comfort and joy.

first time reading the landlord story - june 23rd, 2023

The following is a story from your son:

"The monthly rent of Rs. 100 for our apartment in Secunderabad was overdue. The landlord warned Ammachi of consequences if she did not pay by a certain date. What was Ammachi to do? Money was tight because Appacha's check had yet to arrive from Dubai, where he worked. She held onto hope that the check would arrive before the landlord's deadline; unfortunately, the check did not come. One day, after the deadline came and went, there was a hard knock on the door, followed by a loud voice ordering Ammachi to open the door. She knew it was trouble in the form of the landlord.

Ammachi opened the door with trepidation; true to her fears, standing in front of the door were the landlord and two of his goons. She stood at the door's threshold, blocking the entrance to the apartment, and faced the irate landlord, who was gesturing furiously and shouting at the top of his voice. After hearing the commotion, I ran to the door and squeezed my head between the doorpost and Ammachi's waist to see what was happening. I was around seven, a little kid; my head was barely above Ammachi's waist. The scene I saw left a lasting impression on me. In front of me was a rough-hewn man in a long white shirt and white mundu yelling and screaming in Telugu; next to me, facing him, was my mom, scared and helpless on the inside and unable to communicate her thoughts in Telugu; she only knew that language's basics. Despite those inner feelings, she maintained a strong posture externally and stood up to the landlord, who backed down after giving her another warning.

Who could she turn to in her helplessness? There was no one. Neither my sister nor I could do anything: we were little. Neither relatives nor friends were easily reachable: we had no phone. How did Ammachi find the money to pay the rent? Did Appacha's check come in time? Did Ammachi borrow money from friends? I am not sure. One thing I am sure of is that she prayed over the issue. God showed her the way through that dark time.

The above incident is not isolated; it happened several times while we lived in that apartment. Ammachi faced many such challenges, often alone. She stood up to tough times as a young girl, a wife, and a mother: mostly as a lone warrior. She learned to internalize her grief because she did not have a shoulder to cry on. Consequently, one has never seen her cry, not even in the darkest times.

The above scene is etched on my mind: Ammachi standing at the door and protecting my sister and me from the demon outside."

You bore the weight of numerous trials throughout your life, yet you never uttered a complaint to anyone. Each hardship, you faced head-on, persistently pushing through and steadfastly providing for your kids with unwavering determination. Was it the picture-perfect life? Perhaps not, but you strived to offer them the best possible life within the confines of challenging circumstances. I never witnessed genuine tears streaming down your face; that's when I realized you were always putting on a facade. It's only after you passed away that I heard these stories, and my admiration for you soared to new heights. The strength you silently carried and the sacrifices you made became even more apparent, painting a richer portrait of your resilience and love for your family.

the 40th day celebration - july 2nd, 2023

The celebration for you brought together a diverse mix of people from various friend groups, creating an incredible tapestry of camaraderie. It was a sight to behold—friends I had recently forged close bonds with mingling seamlessly with those I had known for what felt like forever. The diversity in the room mirrored the multifaceted nature of the memories we shared.

Witnessing this union of friendships, both new and longstanding, filled me with joy. I wished I could somehow unveil the essence of who you were to them because, in many ways, a significant part of who I am today is a result of caring for you. It's a challenge to encapsulate your essence in words, but your influence runs deep within me.

The gathering underscored the strength of community, a crucial pillar that has consistently supported families during challenging times. Having a community wherever I go has been one of the most profound aspects of my life. The people who showed up that day, and many others, played an instrumental role in helping me navigate this intricate process. Their presence became a source of solace, and their collective support formed a powerful thread woven into the fabric of my journey through these trying times.

day of the move to los angeles - september 21st, 2023

The alarm blared at an ungodly hour, waking me at 4:30 am, ensuring I was meticulously packed for the impending move. Once the bags were zipped and essentials checked off, we gathered for a heartfelt prayer before embarking on a poignant journey to your grave. It dawned on me that this would mark the final time I'd lay eyes on it before delving into the uncharted waters of the next chapter. In the preceding summer, I made a concerted effort to visit you as often as possible, a ritual that brought a sense of comfort and connection. Alas, with the impending cross-country move, those visits would become a thing of the past.

As I bid farewell to your resting place, tears welled up, a testament to the profound void your absence left. Your presence, once a source of solace, now lingered in the memories, a constant ache in the backdrop of everyday life. The stress of uprooting my life and traversing the vast expanse of the country loomed heavily, yet I concealed the turmoil beneath a veneer of composure. The uncertainty of the new reality gnawed at me, and the prospect of the unknown stirred a quiet fear within. I've always strived not to burden my parents with my concerns, and in times like these, you were the confidant I turned to for solace.

Feeling the weight of your absence intensify as I left, a bittersweet mix of sorrow and gratitude engulfed me. Yet, even in the midst of the uncertainty, I clung to the belief that you, from your ethereal perch, watched over me as a guiding presence through the uncharted journey ahead.

first day of work - september 22nd, 2023

It was your birthday, and, quite remarkably, my first day of work coincided with this special day. The cosmic alignment seemed improbable—out of an entire year, the Air Force decided to send me to Los Angeles on this particular week. The timing was uncanny, almost as if you were orchestrating things from beyond. Your subtle but powerful influence manifested, affirming that you were walking alongside me every step of the way.

This serendipitous occurrence became a poignant reminder that your guiding presence continued to work its magic in my life. It was a reassurance that I carried with me, providing profound comfort. In that moment, the stress of the impending move seemed to ease as the realization settled in—I had you watching over me. This knowledge became a source of strength, transforming the daunting prospect of relocation into a journey guided by the comforting presence of your spirit.

start of the new year - january 1st, 2024

I had just returned with my friend after a lively night out in San Francisco, ringing in the new year (shout out to Varun!). The clock had ticked its way to about 4:00 am, and exhaustion enveloped me as I sank into the comforting embrace of the couch. In the quiet of the early morning, my mind began to wander, and it struck me that this would mark the first full year without you.

A solitary tear traced its path down my cheek, yet, strangely, a smile played on my lips. Despite the bittersweet reality, there was an excitement bubbling within me for what this new year held in store. The advent of 2023 ushered in a whirlwind of emotions, each wave bringing its own set of highs and lows. Amidst it all, however, there was a profound happiness that lingered as the year drew to a close.

The culmination of the year left me content, and I found solace in the belief that you had become my guardian angel, watching over me. As I looked forward to the upcoming year, a reassuring sense washed over me—I knew I'd be taken care of, guided by the invisible but ever-present influence of your spirit.

I gleaned invaluable insights from our shared journey, distilling them into four profound lessons: the art of patience, tempering expectations of others, the transformative power of unconditional love, and the paramount importance of valuing time with people.

Your knack for testing me with your words initially triggered irritation within me. However, as the realization dawned that changing you was beyond my control, the pangs of irritation subsided. In their place, a wellspring of patience emerged. Whether it was assisting you in the shower, accompanying you on your leisurely walks, or aiding you after a fall, these instances tested my patience as they unfolded at a pace different from my own. A shift in mindset, embracing your unique rhythm, not only made caregiving smoother but also transformed me into a more patient and understanding individual.

Every interaction with you presented the certainty that things would not unfold according to plan. Yet, in embracing the unpredictability, I learned to adapt. Your frequent falls became opportunities for me to be the one to lift you up, reinforcing your belief in yourself. Dealing with you required unwavering patience as everything took longer, but this challenge sculpted me into a better person for those around me.

Navigating the intricate dance of caregiving also revealed the importance of tempering expectations of others. Growing up, I harbored expectations that you would seamlessly perform simple tasks like walking and showering, akin to me. The epiphany struck during Super Bowl 2022 weekend when the undeniable truth crystallized – you couldn't match the agility of the younger generation. Letting go of unrealistic expectations made the task of caring for you more manageable, paving the way for a broader understanding that life unfolds differently for each individual.

In the tapestry of our relationship, one of the most profound lessons came from witnessing your transformation from a harbinger of negativity to a beacon of positivity. The latter years of your life, characterized by a more carefree and joyful demeanor, left an indelible mark. The metamorphosis instilled in me the resolve to be a source of positivity to everyone I encounter. The shift in your disposition underscored the significance of showing love to everyone, even during challenging times.

Being positive became a conscious choice, a tribute to the joy you found in your later years. This realization prompted a commitment never to harbor negativity towards those around me. Every interaction, whether with family, friends, or strangers, became an opportunity to leave a positive impact and gain new perspectives on life.

The realization that time is a fleeting commodity took on profound significance through our shared experiences. The abruptness of life's uncertainties was starkly evident when I saw you the Tuesday before you passed, uttering words of assurance that we would meet again. An opportunity arose to see you the day before your passing, and despite intentions to spend the next two weeks caring for you, life took an unexpected turn.

As I stood by your lifeless form, observing the lifelessness in your troubled leg, questions arose about the potential challenges of those two weeks. The stark imagery of toes, feet, and even a leg succumbing to life's inevitable decay became a poignant consideration. Self-reflection led me to conclude that witnessing such pain would not have been in anyone's best interest.

In retrospect, there was an inexplicable oversight in not seizing the chance to see you one last time. The belief that I could control the unfolding events proved fallacious. The dark times, however, served as crucibles for profound lessons. I pledged to keep my phone on at all times, even if I am not the most adept at texting. This commitment is not a boastful claim of answering every call but stems from the understanding that each call is a potential last interaction with a loved one. A refusal to miss out on a conversation, no matter how mundane, became a guiding principle. The urgency to make the most of every second on this planet became an indelible lesson imparted by you, for which I am eternally grateful.

Ammini Susan Mathews, your presence has inspired a torrent of words from me, close to 9,000 in fact. A feat I never thought possible, reminiscent of the wordiness of my college years. Yet, it stands as a testament to the profound impact you've had on me. The highs and lows entwined in caring for an elderly soul are, without a doubt, outweighed by the indelible imprint you've left on my heart.

In shaping who I am today, credit is owed not only to my parents and brother but also to you. You stand as a monumental reason behind my ardent desire to care for those in my orbit. Your influence extends to the constant smile I wear, transcending the tumult of life's trials. You are a beacon, illuminating my love for life and instilling in me an appreciation for its smallest joys. Your teachings echo in my positive outlook, a philosophy I carry as a guiding light.

The endearing moniker "Dojay," a charming derivation of Soshamma, holds a special place in my heart. Its origins may have eluded me initially, but discovering the story behind it heightened my appreciation. This nickname, born in our family, has traveled the length and breadth of America, a cherished tale I love recounting. It serves as a testament to the profound impact you've had on our family's collective identity.

I may not have fulfilled the promise of having you witness my wedding or meet Dojay Jr., but rest assured, the Dojay name will endure. Your absence is palpable every day. Your timeless advice, "always make your mummy and daddy happy," resonates in my actions, albeit with a touch of humor - hopefully living up to your expectations.

Ammachi, I harbor an abundance of love for you. As I conclude this letter, I'm compelled to echo the closing words of every prayer you uttered:

“Daivame Sthuthi Ninakku Yogyamaakunnu, Barekmor.”

which translates to

“And to You belongs the praise O God, Barekmor.”

Your loving grandson,
Dojay (Rahul)