I haven’t experience regret that much, though this past weekend, I did experience regret of the last 4 years of life that has passed by. My duty and fear to be a disappointment lead me to fill myself with numbness. I let go of my fire and did all the things that people told me to do. Go to university, get a degree, work for a bunch of companies to build my resume, go back to university again, do a master, do another bunch of extra-curriculars and another internship. 

Last year around this time, one of my colleagues told me, “you’ll still a dreamer, and think you can conquer the world, try not to lose that”. I thought at the time, of course I am not going to lose that, what are you talking about? Now, looking back, it really makes me wonder, if I have already lost that childish part of me, that hopeful little girl, and that sense of wonder. 

People live their lives wondering in this world without sometimes ever finding a sense of purpose. I knew from when I was kid that table tennis was my passion, and that it made me happy. Of course, when I became a teenager, people kept insisting that I stop playing. I, as a good stereotypical teenager, refuse, revealed, and said that that wasn’t going to happen. Yet some tiny part of me felt guilty to be wasting my time with table tennis knowing that I would be able to have a career on it, while my family worked so hard to provide for me. 

Then, when I stopped being a teenager, I ceased playing table tennis. There were many factors that contribute to it, and one of those was that I genuinely thought that part of being an adult was to give in things that you really like for the greater good. In hindsight I really wish I could go back in that moment in time and really beat the shit out of the 19 year old me for such stupidity and made me get into my senses. What can I say….adults are just senseless and most of them, unhappy. Most adults, if not all, are wrong, they really don’t know what they are doing either, so you will be probably better off listening to yourself. By yourself, I mean your actual self, not the stupid self that all it wants is chill, get drunk, and go nightclubs. Though if that is your actual self, most probably, it will also be better than listening to adults. 

It’s really hard to hold on to your passions and to your wants, many people find it hard, including myself. And that is because the “shoulds” are way easier to do, but they are easier in the short term, but they suck in the long term. So now, whenever I find someone that seemingly crazy to the world that holds fast to their beliefs, I applaud that. 

Last weekend, a man was standing at one of the corners of “la plaza” Lille, with a sign that supporting the freedom of speech of the Catalonian people. My friend and I stopped to talk with the man and really understand why was he “protesting” in Lille. He said that he abides to French ideology of “Liberte, equalite et fraternite”. That a country with a monarchy is not really free because, we are implying that there are people better in this society (the royal family) against the common people. Or that men are better, because they should succeed the royal throne even if a daughter was born first. And maybe this is a direct infringement of the human rights lay out by the United Nations. 

And the thing is… that what sounds like such a reasonable thing for you, it would sound crazy for others. They will try to push you down every single step of the way, and there will be times you will doubting yourself, and that is also ok. Everyone will tell you that you are a fool, that you don’t know what you are doing, but if you believe in yourself, if you work your hardest, that opportunity will reveal itself to you, and perhaps one day, you could tell your story to inspire the future people that are doubting yourself. 

You have to define what is success for yourself? How does it look like? Whether is to be able to have financially support yourself, your family, or anyone else. Because we might only fail when we give up. No one remember those dreamers, because everyone told them they could not do it. 

[Written sometime in the past]