I figured I would type this somewhere as my way of working through whatever is going on in my mind. Natasha says I keep so much to myself and when I burst, there are lot of innocent victims. She is right. I need to let out more. Maybe it will help.

These last 11 months, I have probably experienced the lowest I have ever been because of stress, pressure, disappointments, not eating or drinking any fluids because I wanted to get things done PERFECTLY. Sometimes I felt things weren’t going the right way or maybe we were doing things a bit too slow or too careful. I am not sure.

The number of times I’ve second guessed myself and whatever we have built because of the fear of failure are far too many. 

..the fear to fail again. Yes AGAIN. We launched and achieved a lot with Pineapples Day Out. I personally am proud. I mean my normie friends look at me as some god. But you see success in NFTs especially projects is measured by the floor of your project or the volume traded. It is just how it is. And this is something we have struggled with for months and it is nearly a year. And yet I long for SUCCESS.

I know how our community members feel because I feel whatever they are feeling and maybe 100 times more especially because when I see projects left right centre whether scam or rug launch and do much better on the secondary than we have.

IT FRUSTRATES THE FUCK OUT OF ME

A community member once said how is the project this old and yet we have only traded 14 ETH on the secondary. I was speechless because I also wondered what else we had to do. I have been tempted to cheat my way to “success” by doing something unethical so many times but I have resisted. But for how long?

It is not that I have a good memory or anything but I do remember every single criticism received because they constantly play in my mind that we failed. I failed. It breaks me. We could have done better right? I tell myself we could have done much more. Maybe. 

Hmm.

Our “weaknesses” are our biggest strengths.

These are the thoughts I sleep with and wake to every single day. But do you know why I haven’t given up? And why I never will?

Because I want to prove myself wrong. Those constant reminders of my failure push me everyday to silence them. Imagine.. I want to silence myself. I sound stupid but to be honest, as much I break myself, I get fired up as well.

I know I will eventually win. Maybe not tomorrow but some day.