Sometimes I get dark thoughts in my head. Really dark thoughts.

Also, I've been having weird dreams. This, I don't think, has anything to do with those dark thoughts. Or it does. I'm not sure. The dreams aren't dark, but they are odd, and with people who are in my life, people made up but whose faces I can clearly see. There's so much uncertainty in my life, and I feel that these thoughts and dreams are manifestations of my internal node reacting to external inputs, producing weird outputs.

Isn't it strange that the only thing between the thoughts and dreams that are within you and the outside world is, like, I don't know a 2 inch piece of bone and some skin on your head (and maybe some hair if you're lucky)? I was thinking about that the other day, and it's really weird to think about that as the barrier between the whirlpool that goes on in there and the complete sense of normalcy that you can portray outside.

As a side note before I continue: the image that I put as the header for this post has nothing to do with expressing any violence or anything of that sort that you think I may be feeling. I was drawing two towers that were connected and I thought to myself "let's add something freaky to this." Upon reflection the towers are kind of like the dichotomy I presented earlier: the inner workings and the outside world, and the sword represents the bleeding edge between the two. Nothing sinister I promise, hand on my heart.

I've noticed that a lot of the source of darkness within me comes from managing relationships: maybe as well as I can, or maybe quite badly. I'm not sure. I'm not saying all my relationships are bad. In fact, most are absolutely amazing that I'm super grateful for. It is more so the management of different relationships I have with each other that is difficult. Different people have different wants, and those wants are driven by incentives. However, how do you incentivize people who've gotten the reward of doing the hard work handed to them by others?

It'd be easy to throw my hands up and say "not my problem, not my problem." But such a laissez-faire approach doesn't really work well with people you love because you want what's best for them, and you can see a better life for them. Again, going back to the Mel Robbins quote of "let them": it's harder than it seems when the path they're going down leads straight to hell. How do you damn those you love?

Look, I'm tired because I had a solid workout just now and I wanted to write and finish this post. Again, I'm not in any sort of violent state of mind or depressed or anything like that, but I am under pressure and I do feel a lot of stress right now. Work is a lot at this time, and my life is a lot all the time. We'll get through it for the better, just like we always do when we put one foot in front of the other. But it helps to get things out. Thanks for listening.

Let's get after it today and revisit our thoughts tomorrow.

Vivek

Sometimes I get dark thoughts in my head. Really dark thoughts.

Also, I've been having weird dreams. This, I don't think, has anything to do with those dark thoughts. Or it does. I'm not sure. The dreams aren't dark, but they are odd, and with people who are in my life, people made up but whose faces I can clearly see. There's so much uncertainty in my life, and I feel that these thoughts and dreams are manifestations of my internal node reacting to external inputs, producing weird outputs.

Isn't it strange that the only thing between the thoughts and dreams that are within you and the outside world is, like, I don't know a 2 inch piece of bone and some skin on your head (and maybe some hair if you're lucky)? I was thinking about that the other day, and it's really weird to think about that as the barrier between the whirlpool that goes on in there and the complete sense of normalcy that you can portray outside.

As a side note before I continue: the image that I put as the header for this post has nothing to do with expressing any violence or anything of that sort that you think I may be feeling. I was drawing two towers that were connected and I thought to myself "let's add something freaky to this." Upon reflection the towers are kind of like the dichotomy I presented earlier: the inner workings and the outside world, and the sword represents the bleeding edge between the two. Nothing sinister I promise, hand on my heart.

I've noticed that a lot of the source of darkness within me comes from managing relationships: maybe as well as I can, or maybe quite badly. I'm not sure. I'm not saying all my relationships are bad. In fact, most are absolutely amazing that I'm super grateful for. It is more so the management of different relationships I have with each other that is difficult. Different people have different wants, and those wants are driven by incentives. However, how do you incentivize people who've gotten the reward of doing the hard work handed to them by others?

It'd be easy to throw my hands up and say "not my problem, not my problem." But such a laissez-faire approach doesn't really work well with people you love because you want what's best for them, and you can see a better life for them. Again, going back to the Mel Robbins quote of "let them": it's harder than it seems when the path they're going down leads straight to hell. How do you damn those you love?

Look, I'm tired because I had a solid workout just now and I wanted to write and finish this post. Again, I'm not in any sort of violent state of mind or depressed or anything like that, but I am under pressure and I do feel a lot of stress right now. Work is a lot at this time, and my life is a lot all the time. We'll get through it for the better, just like we always do when we put one foot in front of the other. But it helps to get things out. Thanks for listening.

Let's get after it today and revisit our thoughts tomorrow.

Vivek