I haven't written in a long time, and I'm starting to feel the toll, mentally.

I know that I'm currently in the middle of busy season, working on 4 or 5 other projects right now, and currently on Day 22 of the 75 Hard right now (it's going well, but the 2x a day exercising can get exhausting, especially when you're traveling like I am now), and I know that I should forgive myself for not writing but I do feel a sense of guilt over not completing my daily writing assignments. Writing, as I've mentioned before, is a form of pressure release for me, and I feel a mental lightness when I'm done. However, these days, I've been experiencing a lot of dark thoughts that I am trying to reconcile.

I'm not sure why this happens to me, but I get these bouts of ugly thoughts once in a while. My go-to solution for something like this would be either exercise, weed, alcohol, writing, work, arguing, or some other way of managing it. However, the challenge calls for sobriety and I genuinely am trying to live a peaceful life without causing conflict, so I'm left with physical activity, mental anguish, or work. Work has been stressful as fuck lately, so that isn't exactly a solace, and honestly the 75 Hard takes the joy out of exercise. So mental anguish it is. Ipso facto, here we are: me writing to me about what's going on with me.

The dark thoughts that I have stem from a kernel (or, let's be very honest, a popcorn bowl) of realities. However, the thing I can't seem to reconcile is whether the things I'm concerned about are actually my fault. Jocko Willink has this amazing concept called Extreme Ownership, where everything that happens in your life, whether it's your fault or not, is your responsibility. This forms leaders, agreed, but the question that I have for you is that when it's truly on someone else, what is the line between leadership and bending to their will? When is it truly your fault and you can take ownership of the situation to turn it around to the best possible outcome, and when is it capitulation (is that the right word?) to the situation by saying "sure, I'll take the blame"?

This is but one little kernel in my popcorn bowl this rainy evening as I'm on the bus to Newark Penn from Newark Airport. Here's another.

When you run your own business, you inevitably come into more and more ideas that you know you can work on. Question: when should you pivot to those ideas before they become obsolete in the market or before someone else takes the idea? I know, I know: ideas are a dime a dozen and it's the execution that matters. Fair. But when is it good to stay steady and when is it good to be flexible, take a risk, and follow the direction of the wind?

I'm starting to sense a pattern here.

I've always had this theory that an organization should be like bamboo: flexible, yet strong. However, recently, I've come across the ash wood tree. Ash, as I've recently found out and which somewhat touched my heart, is what's commonly used to make baseball bats. Having played ball for 11 years when I was a kid, this made me interested. Ash wood, similarly to bamboo, is also flexible yet it's stronger than bamboo. It's not AS flexible, but it makes up for it with rigidity. However, unlike bamboo, it has a very interesting property: it's very absorbant to shocks and impacts. It's "springy", meaning that it will revert back to its original shape really quickly without splintering. It's also important to note that ash is a wood, while bamboo is a grass, giving them vastly different properties.

Perhaps that's the difference. Instead of thinking like I should be living like a piece of bamboo, I should be living like a piece of ash wood. Springy, flexible, rigid and strong, but unlike bamboo, I can withstand the impact. And that makes me feel better.

Let's get after it today and revisit out thoughts tomorrow.

Vivek.