i walked down to the water this morning and waited.

the sun was rising the water was still and i didn’t feel guilty for finding my place and i didn’t feel guilty for mistakes i made before i knew. i sat on the old wooden dock and listened to the creaking of the waves made by the early morning fishermen returning with dinner against the rotted wood beams under the moor and i thought about contentedness. when i was younger i thought being content was just “not wanting anything” but sitting here watching the sun’s rays slowly creep over the water, a gingerly wake-up call for the creatures below, my definition’s changed. it’s not “wanting nothing” - it’s knowing nothing. it’s the distinct knowledge that there’s more to learn - the promise of more mystery to uncover and saying “no thanks”. contentedness is reading a book to its climax and putting it down before the resolution, it’s being told that you’re dying tomorrow and feeling like you’ll do what you did today anyways.

as i sat there, opining about contentedness, i saw a languid tadpole floating to the top of the pond. the sun was now shining brightly on the shore slowly working backward over the water as it continued to rise, little yellow beams shining on the mossy undergrowth beneath me. the tadpole was still, lifeless when as he floated to the top. i stared at the little creature and felt an immense sadness wash over me, but for no reason. as i watched and pained over the tadpole, something happened; legs shot out from it’s belly before its gut expanded to twice the size and without wasting a moment, a small frog was hopping effortlessly on the surface of the water, skating almost, moving. the change happened so quickly that contentedness questions disappeared and i couldn’t stop thinking about metamorphosis, change. i thought of reading heraclitus in school and remembered thinking i was brilliant because of it. i thought of the ideas that we never step in the same river twice and that the sun is only as big as whatever we compare to it when we can see it. i thought of falling in love and watching the end approach faster than it’s ever approached before and in the heat of all that emotion all that raw sorrow and regret, remembering who you are. i thought of the first time i realized my body was changing and the ever-present sensation that something is wrong. the realization afterward that everything is right, it’s change.

an hour passed, then another, but still, i was sitting by the water. the sun was way up and now as the bright yellow glow of the hot ball of heat directly above us doles out our daily punishment, i am content and i am changing.