when i was a kid i had a fairly psychotic competitive streak if i thought i had a chance to get the top grade, i would. my best subject was math, and i loved tests in volleyball class i would aim ruthlessly at the weakest player’s forehead, who would usually panic and flail in rugby i once got kicked in the face, and immediately scored a try while bleeding from the mouth i could do the most pushups, the most chin-ups, the biggest leg press i was always quietly watching and keeping score so i could make sure i was better than everyone else i could tune anything out to compete, including fatigue and pain i loved crushing egos and i loved to win but it was a pretty antisocial way of being and eventually i decided to be liked instead there’s a part of me that misses that fire, but not the reasons for it. i needed external validation and a distraction from inner turmoil. i needed to avoid failure focusing on winning was a good escape, and it was nice to be seen as smart and accomplished this year i feel that fire returning, but in a different way. i want to find a place for it that is more grounded and doesn’t require beating anyone else for now it will be channeled into art, presence, and finding some new goals it still feels a bit psychotic but it won’t be used at anyone else’s expense anymore. this time only the worst versions of myself will be defeated