As a child grows up, he will try to outsource his self-function to his mother. For a very young child, it's much easier for his mother to do something for him than to do it by herself, and she won't make mistakes. For example, mother cleans the room for herself, mother loves herself for herself, comforts her injured heart for herself, and so on. A healthy mother should dare to be dissatisfied or moderately satisfied with her children. From the baby's 100% satisfaction at birth, to the struggle for rights in the anal desire period, to the Oedipus period, when the child begins to develop self-function, the mother's function is gradually weakening until the child can live and psychologically independent and no longer need her. However, the occurrence of two situations will make the child unable to develop his self-function: the mother contracts too much, and the baby finds that as long as he cries, his mother can complete it for him, so that people can be satisfied through shouting instead of doing it by themselves; The mother has no commitment. The baby has hardly enjoyed the feeling of being satisfied. He uses the fantasy mechanism to be satisfied in the fantasy world, and casts this fantasy on everyone close to him. When he is not satisfied, he starts the original anger. Conflicts in intimate relationships and expectations of ideal partners are mostly due to the failure of trying to outsource their self-function to their partners. In fact, this is that the psychological nutrition needed by people in the process of growing up has not been met or needs to be castrated. After growing up, they forcibly repeat the pattern of that year. For example, as a case owner, I'm already a very excellent girl, but she can't find the boyfriend she wants. After finding it, I kept changing it. When I didn't want to change it, I secretly developed two, excluding the spare tire. She came to me in panic and said that she could always find the shortcomings of boys who liked her. Diligent people feel that without money, this city has no background, and it is too difficult to have hope by simple struggle; The second generation of the rich is rich. What should I do if his parents fall and eat nothing; I'm afraid of doing business. What if one day he gets checked; All her worries revolve around one point: none of these boys can meet my needs for a stable life. So I asked her, why not create it yourself? She said girls, of course, depend on men. For her, the sense of security and affluence she needs are not self-sufficient and need to be outsourced to a partner. I also have a case owner. She really cares about her husband's kindness to female colleagues. What she often says is: he is good to everyone. What's special about me to him. Therefore, her strong and controlled performance made her husband very disgusted, timid and depressed. So I asked her: can you find your uniqueness? Later, we found in the consultation that she could not find her uniqueness and affirm the value of her existence. So she needs to find confirmation from her partner and hope that her partner can prove her uniqueness to feel a little unique. I used to outsource my self-function to others. I used to tell myself that there was only one standard for me to find a girlfriend: when I walked down the street with her, others would look at her, point to me and say, how can this woman like him. Because I long for excellence and can't confirm my excellence, I will expect my partner to feel excellent. And I didn't know how to take care of myself at that time, so I liked mature girls older than me. Then I got along with each other for a short time. I did everything I could to kill this relationship. My work is mainly reflected in: I hope she can give me some comfort, attention, timely response, and help me cook and wash clothes. Yes, I found a mother. I outsource my needs for love, attention, recognition and response. She needs to give me these and enough dose before I feel at ease. The days after the breakup were extremely painful. The whole person was hollowed out and had the impulse to die. Until I was saved by my therapist. From my consultant, I learned: A healthy relationship should be the meeting of two independent people, and then we complete the extension of life with the help of each other. That is, I have 100 points and you have 100 points. After we were together, we became 200 points. The unhealthy relationship is: one of us has only been half a person, and the other will be forced to become 1.5 people to bear half of your life. That is, I only have 50 points. I expect you to give me 50 points to make me complete. And your subconscious mind will not want to be controlled or believe that someone can be responsible for your life and resist. Therefore, when another person does these things for you, you will not give yourself to him because you completely trust him. You will try to remain independent through various actions and proofs. So lovelorn is painful, because lovelorn is not losing a person, but losing half of yourself. When I saw this pattern, I began to decide to come out and become an independent person. I began to learn how to wash, cook and fold shirts. I began to learn how to control my emotions, deal with anger and loss, encourage myself, recognize myself and believe that I am excellent and worth it. At that time, I tried to be an independent person for the first time. Then I began to thank that relationship. If I hadn't been abandoned, I might have continued to try to let her contract all my self functions until I couldn't afford it. And I never knew how young I was. Come out from the pain, also become more gratified. This is a process of growing up. First of all, you don't have to complain about the cruelty or imperfection of the other party, because the other party shouldn't bear this part of your self function. And she will bear for you for so long, which is originally an extra part. As Satya said: Don't be sad because I left, but celebrate because I've been here. Because that's beyond the boundary. You have more. It was the first time I experienced wanting to be a real man from a little boy. An adult must first be independent, complete and have clear self boundaries. In other words, one of the basic characteristics of adults is to be responsible for their thoughts, needs, feelings and emotions. This belongs to yourself, within the boundaries of self, so you should be responsible for yourself. However, it is not easy. I have seen many people outsource their emotions to others in an attempt to let another person change to take care of their emotions. And they will show their inner lack in the form of violence or pretending to be pathetic in an attempt to get satisfaction from each other. If you don't get it, get angry or hurt. The same is true of idealizing the environment and others. Many people are not in love, they are just in love with a tool that can satisfy themselves. They cannot accept the imperfections of each other and the environment. I always look forward to meeting a lot of people in this way. These are attempts to outsource their self functions to the environment and others, hoping to be satisfied. When you're complaining about why the other person didn't do something to you, you can check: did you do it for yourself? That's what you should do for yourself. This was asked: what's the use of finding a partner. A partner is by no means a substitute for your self-function. Psychologists say it's the same to love yourself and marry anyone. I want to say that we are 100 points. Everyone we meet will be more perfect. It's just the difference between 150 points and 200 points. But for ourselves, it is enough. If you don't have a partner, you are 100 points. With a partner, you will be more perfect. How to judge whether you are 100? Can you still live happily when you don't have or if you don't have a partner. When you face an imperfect environment and difficulties at work, can you save yourself and break through, or do you expect external changes. When you feel sad and angry, do you want others to comfort you and protect you, or can you take care of your emotions by yourself. When you feel tired and have no sense of belonging and security, do you want to catch someone desperately, or can you develop the self-confidence of "people are, heart is and dream is", the courage of "the world is big and the world is home", and the peace of mind is my home ". Our incomplete self is to find someone to live for us after all. But we can't completely hand ourselves over to him, so we have to hand it over uneasily, and then prove it, failure and conflict. Or we can't find such a person who can contract us directly. So we need to become adults first, and then grow up with each other in our relationship. Becoming an adult is painful. You not only need to be responsible for yourself, but also suffer repeated setbacks. When I began to learn how to cook and fold shirts, I felt that such a big person couldn't do any of these. When I am injured and wronged, and lick my wound, I will also think of why no one can comfort me. This is just like when we started to learn to walk and dress as children. We will fall and wear backwards. We will hate our incompetence and expect our mother to finish it for us. But after all, we learned by ourselves and benefited all our lives. You can still find someone to live your self for you and contract your self function to him. It's just like your mother holding you all your life and wearing clothes for you all your life. Your life is more painful and boring. Therefore, although the pain of growth is painful, we still have to experience it sooner or later. Of course, some people have been stumbling and noisy all their life. They have been a person for a lifetime and a half and have never been independent. But I will feel that the independent sky is more free and beautiful. The world of adults is very beautiful. You will find that when you don't need to outsource your self-function to another person, you begin to appreciate this person. Before, you took the other party as a tool to meet you. Your request and payment revolved around how he gave you. You begin to really see that the other person is an individual, imperfect and fragile, and even you find that those imperfect and fragile beings form a unique him. This is to truly love a person as human existence itself, rather than loving another tool idealized by you. After my relationship lasted so long, until now one day, when I suddenly look back, I found that as a man with a lot of independence, in fact, I like young and beautiful girls. I have full love and want to give it to another person, rather than want to get anything from others. The meeting between two adults is beautiful. Because we are two individuals, fusion and separation. We are equal to each other and have clear self boundaries. And mutual support and expansion. When I have you, I am more beautiful and grateful. Without you, I am still complete and safe.

As a child grows up, he will try to outsource his self-function to his mother. For a very young child, it's much easier for his mother to do something for him than to do it by herself, and she won't make mistakes. For example, mother cleans the room for herself, mother loves herself for herself, comforts her injured heart for herself, and so on. A healthy mother should dare to be dissatisfied or moderately satisfied with her children. From the baby's 100% satisfaction at birth, to the struggle for rights in the anal desire period, to the Oedipus period, when the child begins to develop self-function, the mother's function is gradually weakening until the child can live and psychologically independent and no longer need her. However, the occurrence of two situations will make the child unable to develop his self-function: the mother contracts too much, and the baby finds that as long as he cries, his mother can complete it for him, so that people can be satisfied through shouting instead of doing it by themselves; The mother has no commitment. The baby has hardly enjoyed the feeling of being satisfied. He uses the fantasy mechanism to be satisfied in the fantasy world, and casts this fantasy on everyone close to him. When he is not satisfied, he starts the original anger. Conflicts in intimate relationships and expectations of ideal partners are mostly due to the failure of trying to outsource their self-function to their partners. In fact, this is that the psychological nutrition needed by people in the process of growing up has not been met or needs to be castrated. After growing up, they forcibly repeat the pattern of that year. For example, as a case owner, I'm already a very excellent girl, but she can't find the boyfriend she wants. After finding it, I kept changing it. When I didn't want to change it, I secretly developed two, excluding the spare tire. She came to me in panic and said that she could always find the shortcomings of boys who liked her. Diligent people feel that without money, this city has no background, and it is too difficult to have hope by simple struggle; The second generation of the rich is rich. What should I do if his parents fall and eat nothing; I'm afraid of doing business. What if one day he gets checked; All her worries revolve around one point: none of these boys can meet my needs for a stable life. So I asked her, why not create it yourself? She said girls, of course, depend on men. For her, the sense of security and affluence she needs are not self-sufficient and need to be outsourced to a partner. I also have a case owner. She really cares about her husband's kindness to female colleagues. What she often says is: he is good to everyone. What's special about me to him. Therefore, her strong and controlled performance made her husband very disgusted, timid and depressed. So I asked her: can you find your uniqueness? Later, we found in the consultation that she could not find her uniqueness and affirm the value of her existence. So she needs to find confirmation from her partner and hope that her partner can prove her uniqueness to feel a little unique. I used to outsource my self-function to others. I used to tell myself that there was only one standard for me to find a girlfriend: when I walked down the street with her, others would look at her, point to me and say, how can this woman like him. Because I long for excellence and can't confirm my excellence, I will expect my partner to feel excellent. And I didn't know how to take care of myself at that time, so I liked mature girls older than me. Then I got along with each other for a short time. I did everything I could to kill this relationship. My work is mainly reflected in: I hope she can give me some comfort, attention, timely response, and help me cook and wash clothes. Yes, I found a mother. I outsource my needs for love, attention, recognition and response. She needs to give me these and enough dose before I feel at ease. The days after the breakup were extremely painful. The whole person was hollowed out and had the impulse to die. Until I was saved by my therapist. From my consultant, I learned: A healthy relationship should be the meeting of two independent people, and then we complete the extension of life with the help of each other. That is, I have 100 points and you have 100 points. After we were together, we became 200 points. The unhealthy relationship is: one of us has only been half a person, and the other will be forced to become 1.5 people to bear half of your life. That is, I only have 50 points. I expect you to give me 50 points to make me complete. And your subconscious mind will not want to be controlled or believe that someone can be responsible for your life and resist. Therefore, when another person does these things for you, you will not give yourself to him because you completely trust him. You will try to remain independent through various actions and proofs. So lovelorn is painful, because lovelorn is not losing a person, but losing half of yourself. When I saw this pattern, I began to decide to come out and become an independent person. I began to learn how to wash, cook and fold shirts. I began to learn how to control my emotions, deal with anger and loss, encourage myself, recognize myself and believe that I am excellent and worth it. At that time, I tried to be an independent person for the first time. Then I began to thank that relationship. If I hadn't been abandoned, I might have continued to try to let her contract all my self functions until I couldn't afford it. And I never knew how young I was. Come out from the pain, also become more gratified. This is a process of growing up. First of all, you don't have to complain about the cruelty or imperfection of the other party, because the other party shouldn't bear this part of your self function. And she will bear for you for so long, which is originally an extra part. As Satya said: Don't be sad because I left, but celebrate because I've been here. Because that's beyond the boundary. You have more. It was the first time I experienced wanting to be a real man from a little boy. An adult must first be independent, complete and have clear self boundaries. In other words, one of the basic characteristics of adults is to be responsible for their thoughts, needs, feelings and emotions. This belongs to yourself, within the boundaries of self, so you should be responsible for yourself. However, it is not easy. I have seen many people outsource their emotions to others in an attempt to let another person change to take care of their emotions. And they will show their inner lack in the form of violence or pretending to be pathetic in an attempt to get satisfaction from each other. If you don't get it, get angry or hurt. The same is true of idealizing the environment and others. Many people are not in love, they are just in love with a tool that can satisfy themselves. They cannot accept the imperfections of each other and the environment. I always look forward to meeting a lot of people in this way. These are attempts to outsource their self functions to the environment and others, hoping to be satisfied. When you're complaining about why the other person didn't do something to you, you can check: did you do it for yourself? That's what you should do for yourself. This was asked: what's the use of finding a partner. A partner is by no means a substitute for your self-function. Psychologists say it's the same to love yourself and marry anyone. I want to say that we are 100 points. Everyone we meet will be more perfect. It's just the difference between 150 points and 200 points. But for ourselves, it is enough. If you don't have a partner, you are 100 points. With a partner, you will be more perfect. How to judge whether you are 100? Can you still live happily when you don't have or if you don't have a partner. When you face an imperfect environment and difficulties at work, can you save yourself and break through, or do you expect external changes. When you feel sad and angry, do you want others to comfort you and protect you, or can you take care of your emotions by yourself. When you feel tired and have no sense of belonging and security, do you want to catch someone desperately, or can you develop the self-confidence of "people are, heart is and dream is", the courage of "the world is big and the world is home", and the peace of mind is my home ". Our incomplete self is to find someone to live for us after all. But we can't completely hand ourselves over to him, so we have to hand it over uneasily, and then prove it, failure and conflict. Or we can't find such a person who can contract us directly. So we need to become adults first, and then grow up with each other in our relationship. Becoming an adult is painful. You not only need to be responsible for yourself, but also suffer repeated setbacks. When I began to learn how to cook and fold shirts, I felt that such a big person couldn't do any of these. When I am injured and wronged, and lick my wound, I will also think of why no one can comfort me. This is just like when we started to learn to walk and dress as children. We will fall and wear backwards. We will hate our incompetence and expect our mother to finish it for us. But after all, we learned by ourselves and benefited all our lives. You can still find someone to live your self for you and contract your self function to him. It's just like your mother holding you all your life and wearing clothes for you all your life. Your life is more painful and boring. Therefore, although the pain of growth is painful, we still have to experience it sooner or later. Of course, some people have been stumbling and noisy all their life. They have been a person for a lifetime and a half and have never been independent. But I will feel that the independent sky is more free and beautiful. The world of adults is very beautiful. You will find that when you don't need to outsource your self-function to another person, you begin to appreciate this person. Before, you took the other party as a tool to meet you. Your request and payment revolved around how he gave you. You begin to really see that the other person is an individual, imperfect and fragile, and even you find that those imperfect and fragile beings form a unique him. This is to truly love a person as human existence itself, rather than loving another tool idealized by you. After my relationship lasted so long, until now one day, when I suddenly look back, I found that as a man with a lot of independence, in fact, I like young and beautiful girls. I have full love and want to give it to another person, rather than want to get anything from others. The meeting between two adults is beautiful. Because we are two individuals, fusion and separation. We are equal to each other and have clear self boundaries. And mutual support and expansion. When I have you, I am more beautiful and grateful. Without you, I am still complete and safe.