There is a kind of success, called dare not succeed When the boss told Xiaojing that he appreciated her contribution and work performance to the team this year, he would remove the word "associate" from her title of "Deputy Sales Director". This is good news, but it makes Xiaojing extremely afraid. "I don't know why, this news is like the end of the world to me. At that time, I felt my mouth dry, and my throat began to smoke. I sank into the deep sea and was about to drown!". Her decision was stunning: resign. Zeng Qifeng, a famous psychologist, once said such an example: a 26 year old girl who graduated from finance wanted to develop in the financial sector. She won the first place in the written examination in the first bank. She had an interview the next day. She set an alarm clock, but the alarm clock rang the next morning. She didn't hear it and missed it. She went to another bank to apply for a job, and the written examination was still the first. Before the interview, she made two alarm clocks. This time, she didn't miss the bell, but on the way to the interview, she had a small car accident and was sent to the hospital. The interview was missed again. Another case is more representative and intriguing. It is a typical representative of those "second life": a man has been an official since he graduated from University, from an associate to an associate to a deputy general manager. Finally, the leader of the unit retired, and the organization informed him that he could be righted, but he screwed up through a series of symptoms; Blushing, sweating, shaking hands, rapid heartbeat, unable to urinate when there is someone nearby, stuttering, blank brain Avoiding promotions, missing interviews, screwing up speeches, and inexplicably falling off the chain at critical moments, all of which are often attributed to nervousness, not playing well, and so on. In the view of psychologists, there may be a deeper reason, that is, "not succeeding psychologically", or "the guilt of successful people". A kind of self limitation: I don't deserve it Why do we feel so guilty and afraid when we succeed or may succeed, and even give up opportunities and even create failure? "When a person becomes an adult, when some dreams come true or exceed the goals he or she wants to achieve, he or she may feel morally guilty, because he or she feels that he or she is unworthy, and everyone feels that he or she is unworthy of anything." Zeng Qifeng explained. The 26 year old girl, realizing that she repeatedly missed the interview, may be due to what internal procedures are working. After doing psychological counseling, she found that her mother has been the most ordinary employee in the bank from work to retirement. With her educational background, if she succeeds in applying, she will be much higher than her mother, so subconsciously she won't let herself get this position. "So Oedipus period is also a matter of insight. Here we can see that insight is more important than knowledge, because insight is the foundation of personality and knowledge is just a hard disk. The limitation of how far a person can go comes from whether his father suppressed or respected him as a child, and from whether his mother dared to let go or held on to him." The man who will always be a deputy, whose father was also an official, was shot before he was born, "His father was shot by a bigger father. Think about it, what kind of imagination will such a posthumous son have of his father? He needs to imagine his father extremely strong, so that he can grow up well. But in fact, his father is not strong, because he is too weak to even protect his own life. In such a conflict, he will be careful not to be a person like his father, because once he is like his father, he will occupy the position of his father In fact, the best thing is to be the No. 2 person, and it's better to leave the No. 1 person to my father... To let him be the main job is to let him be my father, which activates his inner conflict. For him, being a father is the greatest success in the world and the greatest anxiety. " The guilt of successful people is the conflict between the desire for success at the conscious level and the fear of punishment after success at the subconscious level. "Many people pursue success, but success will stop to a certain extent." Lu Yue, a consultant, said, "People have two systems, the system of exploration and the system of stability. For a person, whether he lives in a survival oriented living environment or a development oriented living environment determines how far his life can go. If his life is survival oriented, then he cannot enjoy life, and he must make himself miserable. Many people have one inside Very fragile self-image. For example, if I enjoy life, it means that to some extent, I will be disconnected from my parents' world. If my parents' world is very tragic, how can I live up to my parents? Am I too heartless to be so happy? Mom is so sad and I'm still so happy, isn't it right? At this time, the child will feel guilty and will be insulated from all pleasure and entertainment. And this sense of guilt and guilt may eventually become a deep subconscious, which may be suppressed to the point that we don't know why, but we just feel "I can't" and "I don't deserve". To some extent, a person doesn't complete the psychological differentiation with his parents. What kind of living state his parents are, he should let himself be. " If parents have low values, what they have to do is to compare with their children, so they need to win in the comparison. The deeper reason, which is more common in this era, is narcissistic parents. "Narcissistic parents' blow to their children is very hidden. They verbally say, I hope you have a better life. But when we have a good life, they will have a feeling of being defeated. They don't allow their children to be bad, so bad that they lose face, but they don't allow them to be better than them, so good that they feel inferior to their children. Children will realize that they can't surpass their parents, and surpassing their parents is a wrong thing. As children Is to please parents - in this era, it is quite common and serious for parents to exploit children at this level. " As a result, children have a preset in their hearts about how far they can go and where they can reach, which is the feeling of "reaching the top" we often say. "In the heart, children have a top. Once the opportunity comes, close to this top, or may exceed this top, they are afraid, overwhelmed, and can't bear it." And this fear, like the deputy of the forever "second life", is often accompanied by somatic symptoms. In this sense, good enough parents allow their children to have their own happiness and success, and can surpass their parents. In China, the image of good parents is missing, but in martial arts, many good masters replace good fathers. What is this good master? It's "I'm willing to pass on my unique knowledge of my life to you, and then let you become greater than me. I'd rather decay, shrink, and decay like an old tree root in your growth, and then watch you grow and surpass my achievements. This is an idealized father image." When we understand the deep reasons why we dare not succeed psychologically, we must be able to know that those efforts that dare to succeed psychologically must be an extremely arduous mental journey. Ann, a female journalist "cursed by her father", has always buried a secret in her heart. When she interviews some successful men, she may fall into a state of near death at the scene. "In my career of more than ten years, there were about four such interviewees. When I faced them, I suddenly encountered a cobra or a wolf in the jungle and was nailed there. Later, I realized that there were some of them, like my father who was extremely strict with me and extremely controlled." Ann's father once tried many second occupations, raising earthworms, Clivia and rabbits, all of which lost money. Finally, he was taken all the money to open a ceramic factory and failed. "My father always failed, but he was quite strict with me. He only allowed me to be the first in the exam. He once slapped me in the face because I was the fifth in the exam..." Ann realized that she may unconsciously pursue failure and the shame brought by failure, but she did not dare to succeed. It may be difficult to crack, but Ann is willing to work hard. At the risk of dying, she asked "fathers" questions. When she succeeded in one, she tried the second and third... Now, she has contacted at least a dozen people like her father, "my efforts are about seven times successful." Ann said cautiously that she might have cured herself. "Ann's efforts are commendable". The consultant Gong Xueping encouraged more professionals like an to "deeply imprint the successful experiences and pictures that have been created, including your body posture, the way you breathe, the angle of thinking, etc., on the bottom of your heart, to review and experience it, activate it when necessary, and let this feeling flow again in your body." Zeng Qifeng once told a self breakthrough story: a nanny from the countryside, encouraged by the male host, grew up to be a boss who could run a restaurant. First, let the baby sitter cook for the subordinates of the unit. At first, the baby sitter was very afraid, and the male host supported her to try. (www.lz13.cn) later, she supported her to cook for more people. The baby sitter had no problem with her ability and succeeded again, so the male host said, I want to be a restaurant, and you can be the boss. The baby sitter thinks that she is a working life. How can she be a boss? Facts have proved that she is also a good boss. "This is a story of a person who constantly breaks through his own story, and this breakthrough requires someone to let him / her break the limits of childhood." Zeng Qifeng said that the limitation of this childhood is the Oedipus conflict, that is, what kind of parents I have, they decide what kind of ambition I have, which has nothing to do with their positions and achievements. "If I thought my parents were emperors when I was a child, if they treated me equally, I would not be afraid of becoming an emperor in the future, but if they always pressed me, my inner mechanism would be activated. Therefore, the conflict in Oedipus period is a question of dare to win." Dare to succeed with "psychological mind" Blackman, an American psychoanalyst, summarized 101 psychological defense mechanisms in his book the mask of the mind. Although people are flexible in applying these defense mechanisms at birth, and no one forces us to understand these defense mechanisms, relatively speaking, a person who knows what psychological defense mechanisms he is using will live a happier and freer life. "A conscious psychological mind may help us break through self-restraint and the psychological curse of not succeeding." First you have to start doubting, and then you will look at yourself in a retrospective way. Look at yourself from a perspective that transcends time and space, that is, he / she is not so absolute. He / she has the ability to perceive himself, can see certain things happen to him, and will look for some connections between today and yesterday, this year and ten years ago, and even childhood, and find the direction to break through the restrictions. "The truth revealed by the object relationship is enough to leave a thousand tears." Zeng Qifeng said. Psychological failure often dates back to childhood attachment relationships and native families. For the vast majority of people, it is usually difficult to recognize and break through this self limitation by self-awareness, and psychological counseling is an available resource. "It is to give him / her big shoes and a holding environment in the treatment, so that he / she can be punished after the detection touches the boundary. Psychotherapy is a kind of interpersonal adventure that provides no punishment." If we go to a psychologist and end the treatment, will we really become the person who dares to succeed psychologically? Gong Xueping said: "At the beginning, we understood that you didn't dare to succeed. At that time, it was a very important, good and protective thing for you. It must have nourished us. But today, we suddenly think that after using it for more than ten or twenty years, it has become not so easy to use. In the process of consulting, a person will grow up slowly. A standard of growing up slowly is that many things that you thought were important in the past, in your world The importance and proportion of become smaller, and you may develop a fuller personality motivation to work and live more adaptively, dare to succeed psychologically, and dare to win your own victory. "

There is a kind of success, called dare not succeed When the boss told Xiaojing that he appreciated her contribution and work performance to the team this year, he would remove the word "associate" from her title of "Deputy Sales Director". This is good news, but it makes Xiaojing extremely afraid. "I don't know why, this news is like the end of the world to me. At that time, I felt my mouth dry, and my throat began to smoke. I sank into the deep sea and was about to drown!". Her decision was stunning: resign. Zeng Qifeng, a famous psychologist, once said such an example: a 26 year old girl who graduated from finance wanted to develop in the financial sector. She won the first place in the written examination in the first bank. She had an interview the next day. She set an alarm clock, but the alarm clock rang the next morning. She didn't hear it and missed it. She went to another bank to apply for a job, and the written examination was still the first. Before the interview, she made two alarm clocks. This time, she didn't miss the bell, but on the way to the interview, she had a small car accident and was sent to the hospital. The interview was missed again. Another case is more representative and intriguing. It is a typical representative of those "second life": a man has been an official since he graduated from University, from an associate to an associate to a deputy general manager. Finally, the leader of the unit retired, and the organization informed him that he could be righted, but he screwed up through a series of symptoms; Blushing, sweating, shaking hands, rapid heartbeat, unable to urinate when there is someone nearby, stuttering, blank brain Avoiding promotions, missing interviews, screwing up speeches, and inexplicably falling off the chain at critical moments, all of which are often attributed to nervousness, not playing well, and so on. In the view of psychologists, there may be a deeper reason, that is, "not succeeding psychologically", or "the guilt of successful people". A kind of self limitation: I don't deserve it Why do we feel so guilty and afraid when we succeed or may succeed, and even give up opportunities and even create failure? "When a person becomes an adult, when some dreams come true or exceed the goals he or she wants to achieve, he or she may feel morally guilty, because he or she feels that he or she is unworthy, and everyone feels that he or she is unworthy of anything." Zeng Qifeng explained. The 26 year old girl, realizing that she repeatedly missed the interview, may be due to what internal procedures are working. After doing psychological counseling, she found that her mother has been the most ordinary employee in the bank from work to retirement. With her educational background, if she succeeds in applying, she will be much higher than her mother, so subconsciously she won't let herself get this position. "So Oedipus period is also a matter of insight. Here we can see that insight is more important than knowledge, because insight is the foundation of personality and knowledge is just a hard disk. The limitation of how far a person can go comes from whether his father suppressed or respected him as a child, and from whether his mother dared to let go or held on to him." The man who will always be a deputy, whose father was also an official, was shot before he was born, "His father was shot by a bigger father. Think about it, what kind of imagination will such a posthumous son have of his father? He needs to imagine his father extremely strong, so that he can grow up well. But in fact, his father is not strong, because he is too weak to even protect his own life. In such a conflict, he will be careful not to be a person like his father, because once he is like his father, he will occupy the position of his father In fact, the best thing is to be the No. 2 person, and it's better to leave the No. 1 person to my father... To let him be the main job is to let him be my father, which activates his inner conflict. For him, being a father is the greatest success in the world and the greatest anxiety. " The guilt of successful people is the conflict between the desire for success at the conscious level and the fear of punishment after success at the subconscious level. "Many people pursue success, but success will stop to a certain extent." Lu Yue, a consultant, said, "People have two systems, the system of exploration and the system of stability. For a person, whether he lives in a survival oriented living environment or a development oriented living environment determines how far his life can go. If his life is survival oriented, then he cannot enjoy life, and he must make himself miserable. Many people have one inside Very fragile self-image. For example, if I enjoy life, it means that to some extent, I will be disconnected from my parents' world. If my parents' world is very tragic, how can I live up to my parents? Am I too heartless to be so happy? Mom is so sad and I'm still so happy, isn't it right? At this time, the child will feel guilty and will be insulated from all pleasure and entertainment. And this sense of guilt and guilt may eventually become a deep subconscious, which may be suppressed to the point that we don't know why, but we just feel "I can't" and "I don't deserve". To some extent, a person doesn't complete the psychological differentiation with his parents. What kind of living state his parents are, he should let himself be. " If parents have low values, what they have to do is to compare with their children, so they need to win in the comparison. The deeper reason, which is more common in this era, is narcissistic parents. "Narcissistic parents' blow to their children is very hidden. They verbally say, I hope you have a better life. But when we have a good life, they will have a feeling of being defeated. They don't allow their children to be bad, so bad that they lose face, but they don't allow them to be better than them, so good that they feel inferior to their children. Children will realize that they can't surpass their parents, and surpassing their parents is a wrong thing. As children Is to please parents - in this era, it is quite common and serious for parents to exploit children at this level. " As a result, children have a preset in their hearts about how far they can go and where they can reach, which is the feeling of "reaching the top" we often say. "In the heart, children have a top. Once the opportunity comes, close to this top, or may exceed this top, they are afraid, overwhelmed, and can't bear it." And this fear, like the deputy of the forever "second life", is often accompanied by somatic symptoms. In this sense, good enough parents allow their children to have their own happiness and success, and can surpass their parents. In China, the image of good parents is missing, but in martial arts, many good masters replace good fathers. What is this good master? It's "I'm willing to pass on my unique knowledge of my life to you, and then let you become greater than me. I'd rather decay, shrink, and decay like an old tree root in your growth, and then watch you grow and surpass my achievements. This is an idealized father image." When we understand the deep reasons why we dare not succeed psychologically, we must be able to know that those efforts that dare to succeed psychologically must be an extremely arduous mental journey. Ann, a female journalist "cursed by her father", has always buried a secret in her heart. When she interviews some successful men, she may fall into a state of near death at the scene. "In my career of more than ten years, there were about four such interviewees. When I faced them, I suddenly encountered a cobra or a wolf in the jungle and was nailed there. Later, I realized that there were some of them, like my father who was extremely strict with me and extremely controlled." Ann's father once tried many second occupations, raising earthworms, Clivia and rabbits, all of which lost money. Finally, he was taken all the money to open a ceramic factory and failed. "My father always failed, but he was quite strict with me. He only allowed me to be the first in the exam. He once slapped me in the face because I was the fifth in the exam..." Ann realized that she may unconsciously pursue failure and the shame brought by failure, but she did not dare to succeed. It may be difficult to crack, but Ann is willing to work hard. At the risk of dying, she asked "fathers" questions. When she succeeded in one, she tried the second and third... Now, she has contacted at least a dozen people like her father, "my efforts are about seven times successful." Ann said cautiously that she might have cured herself. "Ann's efforts are commendable". The consultant Gong Xueping encouraged more professionals like an to "deeply imprint the successful experiences and pictures that have been created, including your body posture, the way you breathe, the angle of thinking, etc., on the bottom of your heart, to review and experience it, activate it when necessary, and let this feeling flow again in your body." Zeng Qifeng once told a self breakthrough story: a nanny from the countryside, encouraged by the male host, grew up to be a boss who could run a restaurant. First, let the baby sitter cook for the subordinates of the unit. At first, the baby sitter was very afraid, and the male host supported her to try. (www.lz13.cn) later, she supported her to cook for more people. The baby sitter had no problem with her ability and succeeded again, so the male host said, I want to be a restaurant, and you can be the boss. The baby sitter thinks that she is a working life. How can she be a boss? Facts have proved that she is also a good boss. "This is a story of a person who constantly breaks through his own story, and this breakthrough requires someone to let him / her break the limits of childhood." Zeng Qifeng said that the limitation of this childhood is the Oedipus conflict, that is, what kind of parents I have, they decide what kind of ambition I have, which has nothing to do with their positions and achievements. "If I thought my parents were emperors when I was a child, if they treated me equally, I would not be afraid of becoming an emperor in the future, but if they always pressed me, my inner mechanism would be activated. Therefore, the conflict in Oedipus period is a question of dare to win." Dare to succeed with "psychological mind" Blackman, an American psychoanalyst, summarized 101 psychological defense mechanisms in his book the mask of the mind. Although people are flexible in applying these defense mechanisms at birth, and no one forces us to understand these defense mechanisms, relatively speaking, a person who knows what psychological defense mechanisms he is using will live a happier and freer life. "A conscious psychological mind may help us break through self-restraint and the psychological curse of not succeeding." First you have to start doubting, and then you will look at yourself in a retrospective way. Look at yourself from a perspective that transcends time and space, that is, he / she is not so absolute. He / she has the ability to perceive himself, can see certain things happen to him, and will look for some connections between today and yesterday, this year and ten years ago, and even childhood, and find the direction to break through the restrictions. "The truth revealed by the object relationship is enough to leave a thousand tears." Zeng Qifeng said. Psychological failure often dates back to childhood attachment relationships and native families. For the vast majority of people, it is usually difficult to recognize and break through this self limitation by self-awareness, and psychological counseling is an available resource. "It is to give him / her big shoes and a holding environment in the treatment, so that he / she can be punished after the detection touches the boundary. Psychotherapy is a kind of interpersonal adventure that provides no punishment." If we go to a psychologist and end the treatment, will we really become the person who dares to succeed psychologically? Gong Xueping said: "At the beginning, we understood that you didn't dare to succeed. At that time, it was a very important, good and protective thing for you. It must have nourished us. But today, we suddenly think that after using it for more than ten or twenty years, it has become not so easy to use. In the process of consulting, a person will grow up slowly. A standard of growing up slowly is that many things that you thought were important in the past, in your world The importance and proportion of become smaller, and you may develop a fuller personality motivation to work and live more adaptively, dare to succeed psychologically, and dare to win your own victory. "