As an editor in multiple publications, I read a lot of stories. There are stories that come through some of the publications, particularly in the category of health and weight loss that just seem so regurgitated and unoriginal.

I get that there are people out there who are looking to be the next health guru. That’s great. I’m not one to knock your ambitions but sometimes I run into stories that are just flat-out copies of other stories and it gives me a headache.

If you’re going to offer advice, at least make that advice original and make it stand out. I don’t want to feel like I’m reading the same article over and over again from different people, even when the article is literally most of someone else’s story patched into your own words. Those are literally the worst articles ever.

Anyway, I’m going to be a little funny, a little serious, and a little ridiculous in my quest to write an original weight loss article today.

Disclaimer: Some of the things that I mention, I genuinely don’t recommend anyone doing, and some of the other things in here, I’ve done myself as my weight has bounced from heavy to light and back so I can definitely lose weight.

You decide which is which, I’m not going to do all of the work for you today, readers. Now let’s get started. Here’s my listicle of things to do to lose weight.

How much time have you got and how much weight do you have to lose? If you’re excessively obese and want to get yourself down to a healthy weight, the quickest way to get yourself there is to make your caloric deficiency as low as possible.

Am I suggesting a full-on fast? I mean, I’m not a doctor so I’m not going to tell you yes or no on that. Do you want to try a fad diet or a super low-calorie diet? Keto, grapefruit diet, or super restrictive caloric intake, anyone?

This is definitely the first step you can take to lose weight. I did a modified version of the keto diet on a low caloric intake and lost almost 125 pounds within a year before the age of 30 and cycled to keep the weight off. This is definitely one way to lose weight.

This isn’t exactly a healthy way of losing weight but as I told you in the beginning, you knew what you were coming here for. It’s sad when eating disorders actually take people’s lives as they did in the case of numerous people, including Karen Carpenter. Her heart couldn’t handle prolonged exposure to this lifestyle so you should only use this sparingly.

If you only need to lose weight in the short term to try to fit into that one particular outfit, this is the perfect way to go. Just make sure to buy a bunch of breath mints and mouthwash. People will notice when your breath starts to smell like excessive vomit. Don’t think they’re judging you for trying to stay so skinny? Think again.

Again, not recommended. But do you ever notice how bulky and heavy those limbs can be at times? I mean, lose a leg? That’s already some weight loss. Sure, you might need assistance staying active after that but you’ll definitely be lighter. Plus, do you notice how many people who push their own wheelchairs get really buff? Yeah, I’ve noticed it too. Forced exercise regime, perhaps.

Speaking of staying buff and active…

Those experts do say that a combination of working out and diet is the proper way to go about losing weight. You need to find a workout partner and then just talk about working out together for the next few months or years while sipping on your Pumpkin Spice Lattes from Starbucks. You’ll thank me later when I didn’t tell you to do like P-90X or some sort of crazy, intense workout with them to motivate each other into getting into shape. Sweating and working out is gross and is for dumb people, ew.

Did you actually think that I’d make you do this yourself? No, again, sweating is gross and there are better ways to lose weight than going to the gym anyway. Plus, you can get the workout in the gym locker room afterward.

You just watched a bunch of dudes work up a sweat and get all down and dirty in the gym. You need to utilize the time in the gym bathroom for your own personal workout in the bathroom or shower stall to release some of that energy…

I don’t need to say what’s going on here. You’re all smart enough to figure it out. If you’re a woman and not a guy, this also works.

Finally, the biggest key to them all about reading about losing weight…

Don’t listen to the “experts” to begin with. If you ever listened to a word I said or took any of this seriously, I’m going to jump through the screen and slap you in the back of the head. We all know that losing weight shouldn’t be a fad or something that has one answer.

A combination of some sort of exercise and caloric deficit is necessary to approach that goal but the amount of deficit and the time needed to achieve these goals are going to vary from person to person so give yourself a break, give yourself room to improve, and don’t ever feel like one mistake will end your battle. Weight loss and healthy living are a lifestyle, not just a short-term goal.

(UNRELATED LESSON, POSSIBLY, PROBABLY NOT?) POTENTIAL STORY TIE-IN: Don’t take your health for granted. There are many of us out there who can’t live as active a lifestyle as we used to anymore. Know your limits, too. You shouldn’t try to do more than your body can handle. I learned that the hard way and now I am no longer able to work. I implore anyone who is looking to get to a healthy weight and live a healthy lifestyle to go to the many nutritionists, health experts, and doctors within your own medical network to get you the help and the proper plan catered to your personal needs. I’m not a doctor but even I know to defer to the professionals when making such important lifestyle choices. You don’t want to end up exhausting yourself to death or harming your overall health. This message was brought to you again by the Sturg Council of Many Important Issues and Things, Etc. Ⓒ

As an editor in multiple publications, I read a lot of stories. There are stories that come through some of the publications, particularly in the category of health and weight loss that just seem so regurgitated and unoriginal.

I get that there are people out there who are looking to be the next health guru. That’s great. I’m not one to knock your ambitions but sometimes I run into stories that are just flat-out copies of other stories and it gives me a headache.

If you’re going to offer advice, at least make that advice original and make it stand out. I don’t want to feel like I’m reading the same article over and over again from different people, even when the article is literally most of someone else’s story patched into your own words. Those are literally the worst articles ever.

Anyway, I’m going to be a little funny, a little serious, and a little ridiculous in my quest to write an original weight loss article today.

Disclaimer: Some of the things that I mention, I genuinely don’t recommend anyone doing, and some of the other things in here, I’ve done myself as my weight has bounced from heavy to light and back so I can definitely lose weight.

You decide which is which, I’m not going to do all of the work for you today, readers. Now let’s get started. Here’s my listicle of things to do to lose weight.

How much time have you got and how much weight do you have to lose? If you’re excessively obese and want to get yourself down to a healthy weight, the quickest way to get yourself there is to make your caloric deficiency as low as possible.

Am I suggesting a full-on fast? I mean, I’m not a doctor so I’m not going to tell you yes or no on that. Do you want to try a fad diet or a super low-calorie diet? Keto, grapefruit diet, or super restrictive caloric intake, anyone?

This is definitely the first step you can take to lose weight. I did a modified version of the keto diet on a low caloric intake and lost almost 125 pounds within a year before the age of 30 and cycled to keep the weight off. This is definitely one way to lose weight.

This isn’t exactly a healthy way of losing weight but as I told you in the beginning, you knew what you were coming here for. It’s sad when eating disorders actually take people’s lives as they did in the case of numerous people, including Karen Carpenter. Her heart couldn’t handle prolonged exposure to this lifestyle so you should only use this sparingly.

If you only need to lose weight in the short term to try to fit into that one particular outfit, this is the perfect way to go. Just make sure to buy a bunch of breath mints and mouthwash. People will notice when your breath starts to smell like excessive vomit. Don’t think they’re judging you for trying to stay so skinny? Think again.

Again, not recommended. But do you ever notice how bulky and heavy those limbs can be at times? I mean, lose a leg? That’s already some weight loss. Sure, you might need assistance staying active after that but you’ll definitely be lighter. Plus, do you notice how many people who push their own wheelchairs get really buff? Yeah, I’ve noticed it too. Forced exercise regime, perhaps.

Speaking of staying buff and active…

Those experts do say that a combination of working out and diet is the proper way to go about losing weight. You need to find a workout partner and then just talk about working out together for the next few months or years while sipping on your Pumpkin Spice Lattes from Starbucks. You’ll thank me later when I didn’t tell you to do like P-90X or some sort of crazy, intense workout with them to motivate each other into getting into shape. Sweating and working out is gross and is for dumb people, ew.

Did you actually think that I’d make you do this yourself? No, again, sweating is gross and there are better ways to lose weight than going to the gym anyway. Plus, you can get the workout in the gym locker room afterward.

You just watched a bunch of dudes work up a sweat and get all down and dirty in the gym. You need to utilize the time in the gym bathroom for your own personal workout in the bathroom or shower stall to release some of that energy…

I don’t need to say what’s going on here. You’re all smart enough to figure it out. If you’re a woman and not a guy, this also works.

Finally, the biggest key to them all about reading about losing weight…

Don’t listen to the “experts” to begin with. If you ever listened to a word I said or took any of this seriously, I’m going to jump through the screen and slap you in the back of the head. We all know that losing weight shouldn’t be a fad or something that has one answer.

A combination of some sort of exercise and caloric deficit is necessary to approach that goal but the amount of deficit and the time needed to achieve these goals are going to vary from person to person so give yourself a break, give yourself room to improve, and don’t ever feel like one mistake will end your battle. Weight loss and healthy living are a lifestyle, not just a short-term goal.

(UNRELATED LESSON, POSSIBLY, PROBABLY NOT?) POTENTIAL STORY TIE-IN: Don’t take your health for granted. There are many of us out there who can’t live as active a lifestyle as we used to anymore. Know your limits, too. You shouldn’t try to do more than your body can handle. I learned that the hard way and now I am no longer able to work. I implore anyone who is looking to get to a healthy weight and live a healthy lifestyle to go to the many nutritionists, health experts, and doctors within your own medical network to get you the help and the proper plan catered to your personal needs. I’m not a doctor but even I know to defer to the professionals when making such important lifestyle choices. You don’t want to end up exhausting yourself to death or harming your overall health. This message was brought to you again by the Sturg Council of Many Important Issues and Things, Etc. Ⓒ