I woke up annoyed. I feel anxious about how much money i'm spending. which just seems like such a dumb thing to worry about. just stop spending more money than you should.

why do i do this, i do this because of other people i want to do nice things for other people and i usually can figure out what they want. people generally want the things that are more expensive because they are out of reach for them normally.

So they want the thing they can't have because maybe that will be the thing that makes them feel happy, even for a moment. i feel i need to keep everyone happy.

why? well i really dislike when people are upset and around me. it makes me feel really uncomfortable. i'm really empathetic and feel exactly what others are feeling and i'm also affected by my emotions greatly. and when they are coming from other people who is not in control or able to manage their emotions as well as me then i feel out of control.

because i don't know when they will stop. especially when they just happen all the time and it's a pattern

I only want to spend time with people that are deeply in control of their emotions

It's totally fine if other people want to live more deeply in the swings of emotions or however they look at it but it's not for me. my emotions are special and not to be spent on just anyone or anything

I feel so deeply but i only have so many emotions and people that have tons of emotions will just force me to spend mine. I don't like that and I don't want that to be how I spend my life

I need to get comfortable setting boundaries

amr and mic. I still have not set any boundaries. and I need to set boundaries with my sisters.

I know what i need to do with a and m but with my sisters it just feels so difficult to talk to them. I don't want to. it will probably be good to practice just being on my own. maybe this is a dependency or attachment i have had to them.

although whenever I have this feeling it's me making space for people when I should be setting a boundary. what do I want?

I want to have a good relationship with all my sisters, i want them to have respect for me and I want to have a free flowing relationship. Where there is a give and take for both.

But mostly i'm tired of spending so much of my life being upset about how they have treated me and how they will likely continue to treat me. I'm just like figure it out. what is wrong with you why are they so stupid. how have all of them just not figured this out. it really doesn't seem that hard. i have to get okay with the fact that they are not ready and they won't be ready unless I become what I believe I am. unless i show dad and the men of our family the respect they deserve.

it's sad.

but it's also not okay how i'm responding to it. i'm no happy about some of the things that i'm doing. i'm probably not treating everyone in my life as well as i should be. i expect better of myself.

if i'm not treating everyone with the respect that i want to be treated with how can i ask that of anyone else.

i have to be honest. I have to be honest w amr, with m, and with my sisters.

I need to start living in the complete truth, i'm tied of all these small lies.

it's insane that i've been living in a lie for this long. I've been carrying amr for so long, I couldn't be honest with her. I can't tell her how I feel.

what can i do about it? what can i do about it in my day to day life.

amr doesn't treat me well and it's coloring my relationship with other women negatively.

I've been saying for weeks now that I need to end things with amr and mich. I have done nothing. I'm not taking action and I'm not doing what I said.

i'm scared to lose amr for the most ridiculous reasons. it's fear and if i accept that fear then i'm accepting my own in competence. she really has become my greatest teacher. i will appreciate her forever. but i will never let someone like her near me again. i honestly can't believe it. like i feel that she must finally figure it out but of course she doesn't not. that is not how people are. people are not like you james. they are not constantly reviewing their interactions and looking for ways to improve. they are just happy as they are and anyone or thing that wants them to change is bad.

take people for what they currently are and apprciate the good. if the don't fit the role now then they never will.

so are you just going to keep talking and talking about this or are you going to man up and do something about what you want.

if you become one of those complainers dear god. that would be the most disappointing outcome. you know what you need to do.

from now on if you are angry with someone else look to see what you can do to make that anger or what that person is doing irrelevant.

put it all into excellence, you don't have to ignore it. set up boundries, but also time to hold yourself accountable. you aren't doing what you know you should be doing. your acting lazy, you're thinking and not doing. even now you're just spinning your wheels a bit.

it's time to work

What can I do? What do I care about?

Why am I not already there?

What at the gaps in my game?

What do I not understand?

what are the beliefs that I have that are causing me problems?

Look at the problem without needed a solution. What are the gaps in my understanding on knowing it's about the problem?

what is it that I do not understand?

I woke up annoyed. I feel anxious about how much money i'm spending. which just seems like such a dumb thing to worry about. just stop spending more money than you should.

why do i do this, i do this because of other people i want to do nice things for other people and i usually can figure out what they want. people generally want the things that are more expensive because they are out of reach for them normally.

So they want the thing they can't have because maybe that will be the thing that makes them feel happy, even for a moment. i feel i need to keep everyone happy.

why? well i really dislike when people are upset and around me. it makes me feel really uncomfortable. i'm really empathetic and feel exactly what others are feeling and i'm also affected by my emotions greatly. and when they are coming from other people who is not in control or able to manage their emotions as well as me then i feel out of control.

because i don't know when they will stop. especially when they just happen all the time and it's a pattern

I only want to spend time with people that are deeply in control of their emotions

It's totally fine if other people want to live more deeply in the swings of emotions or however they look at it but it's not for me. my emotions are special and not to be spent on just anyone or anything

I feel so deeply but i only have so many emotions and people that have tons of emotions will just force me to spend mine. I don't like that and I don't want that to be how I spend my life

I need to get comfortable setting boundaries

amr and mic. I still have not set any boundaries. and I need to set boundaries with my sisters.

I know what i need to do with a and m but with my sisters it just feels so difficult to talk to them. I don't want to. it will probably be good to practice just being on my own. maybe this is a dependency or attachment i have had to them.

although whenever I have this feeling it's me making space for people when I should be setting a boundary. what do I want?

I want to have a good relationship with all my sisters, i want them to have respect for me and I want to have a free flowing relationship. Where there is a give and take for both.

But mostly i'm tired of spending so much of my life being upset about how they have treated me and how they will likely continue to treat me. I'm just like figure it out. what is wrong with you why are they so stupid. how have all of them just not figured this out. it really doesn't seem that hard. i have to get okay with the fact that they are not ready and they won't be ready unless I become what I believe I am. unless i show dad and the men of our family the respect they deserve.

it's sad.

but it's also not okay how i'm responding to it. i'm no happy about some of the things that i'm doing. i'm probably not treating everyone in my life as well as i should be. i expect better of myself.

if i'm not treating everyone with the respect that i want to be treated with how can i ask that of anyone else.

i have to be honest. I have to be honest w amr, with m, and with my sisters.

I need to start living in the complete truth, i'm tied of all these small lies.

it's insane that i've been living in a lie for this long. I've been carrying amr for so long, I couldn't be honest with her. I can't tell her how I feel.

what can i do about it? what can i do about it in my day to day life.

amr doesn't treat me well and it's coloring my relationship with other women negatively.

I've been saying for weeks now that I need to end things with amr and mich. I have done nothing. I'm not taking action and I'm not doing what I said.

i'm scared to lose amr for the most ridiculous reasons. it's fear and if i accept that fear then i'm accepting my own in competence. she really has become my greatest teacher. i will appreciate her forever. but i will never let someone like her near me again. i honestly can't believe it. like i feel that she must finally figure it out but of course she doesn't not. that is not how people are. people are not like you james. they are not constantly reviewing their interactions and looking for ways to improve. they are just happy as they are and anyone or thing that wants them to change is bad.

take people for what they currently are and apprciate the good. if the don't fit the role now then they never will.

so are you just going to keep talking and talking about this or are you going to man up and do something about what you want.

if you become one of those complainers dear god. that would be the most disappointing outcome. you know what you need to do.

from now on if you are angry with someone else look to see what you can do to make that anger or what that person is doing irrelevant.

put it all into excellence, you don't have to ignore it. set up boundries, but also time to hold yourself accountable. you aren't doing what you know you should be doing. your acting lazy, you're thinking and not doing. even now you're just spinning your wheels a bit.

it's time to work

What can I do? What do I care about?

Why am I not already there?

What at the gaps in my game?

What do I not understand?

what are the beliefs that I have that are causing me problems?

Look at the problem without needed a solution. What are the gaps in my understanding on knowing it's about the problem?

what is it that I do not understand?