5 days? damn and didn't complete my travel goal.

i still put everyone above myself. it's so hard for me to do even inconvenience someone to a small degree, i need to just start doing it. practice with people you don't know well and who don't deserve the maximum of your flexibility.

okay where do i want to arrive. i feel that i'm doing this because this is what I should be doing. if i do this then i'll get to a good mental state and then i will be able to do good work again.

very unspecific.

what do i want - i want a family. i want to find the right partner. who is physically and sexually compatible with me. i want there to be commitment. I can commit but i'm not committing to the wrong person again, i'm not giving my heart to someone that doesn't want want i want without me having to say way i want and is building her life in such a way that it's clear she wants those things too. she naturally fills the roll of female and woman. takes care of the home, cooks, loving, nuturing, looks to my leadership on many topics, especially the big topics of a family.

i'm definitly going through a phase with women right now. it's a bit dangerous. i think it's okay if there are more but i have to be safe. I feel at this point I'm being quite safe.

it would be great if she only spoke spanish for now.

but that raises the question of whether or not i'm open to the one being in front of me.

well that's stupid, i should always be open, unless i'm in a committed relationship with someone else. so yes i'm open, but i guess there is a question of whether or not I'd be open to someone who doesn't speak english.

it shouldn't matter, i only think that's bad when i think about some edge cases. politics and if i need to use my own heritage for maximum effect. but that's stage 3 of my life goals, and by then the us will be even more latin so it's really a dumb concern at all. I don't know why I think it's a problem.

she would have to be open to learning english, no she would have to want to learn english and live in the us in the future. but i'm very open to maintaining a permanent residence here.

it's important that i learn english so her only speaking spanish in the beginning would be helpful.

l like what i have now, something steady that is loyal and fun. but it's known that it's not going to last and now i can swing for the fences a bit more with something i really want and try things in the mean time.

it's risky but i feel it's manageable with basics and not getting to greedy. be reasonable and no rush.

I don't want to be dishonest, and i have been a little dishonest. I'm not sure how to reconcile this. i know that's not good and i don't like that i'm doing that at all. because there are other areas of my life where i know it's actively hurting me and honestly it might be hurting me in this area too. obviously if it's hurting me it's hurting others too.

So i want to move to being more and more honest. i'm not going to do all the things i want to do if i'm not being honest. but i probably can't do all the things i want to do without being strategically dishonest also. Or is that just me wanting it to be okay to get the short term pleasure i want.

i want it to be the world where i have to be honest. that's a better world. that's the example i'd like to set and prove to myself. that's optimistic, that's my pure self. that's my truth.

So in this area of women i am currently captured by pleasure. if that's true then i'm likely to get into trouble. quite literally fuck around and find out.

what's likely to go wrong. someone is likely to get pregnant, i'm too fucking old to accidentily get someone pregnant also the wrong person.

like wholly fuck you where in a bad relationship for three years and that cause some major damage.

no.

it didn't cause damage. it was training. i have been training with weights and i'm about to drop that weight and see what I can do. i'm strong af. i see the world so much clearer. my emotions are on track and in general much more developed.

i'm leveling the fuck up right now. i need to complete the integration process. i feel that's what i'm doing. it's good i'm questioning why i'm doing this.

I'm recommitted to never telling anyone this is me. that way it's for me only, but it's still part of the world. it's not just thoughts in my head. it's action or at the very least it's an important way to support keeping my mind grounded in the reality of my life. in general the alignment of my actions and thoughts is higher now.

okay so there is some honestly that i need to have with people and myself. i need further integration between my thoughts and my actions.

but also clarity of thoughts.

okay gym

5 days? damn and didn't complete my travel goal.

i still put everyone above myself. it's so hard for me to do even inconvenience someone to a small degree, i need to just start doing it. practice with people you don't know well and who don't deserve the maximum of your flexibility.

okay where do i want to arrive. i feel that i'm doing this because this is what I should be doing. if i do this then i'll get to a good mental state and then i will be able to do good work again.

very unspecific.

what do i want - i want a family. i want to find the right partner. who is physically and sexually compatible with me. i want there to be commitment. I can commit but i'm not committing to the wrong person again, i'm not giving my heart to someone that doesn't want want i want without me having to say way i want and is building her life in such a way that it's clear she wants those things too. she naturally fills the roll of female and woman. takes care of the home, cooks, loving, nuturing, looks to my leadership on many topics, especially the big topics of a family.

i'm definitly going through a phase with women right now. it's a bit dangerous. i think it's okay if there are more but i have to be safe. I feel at this point I'm being quite safe.

it would be great if she only spoke spanish for now.

but that raises the question of whether or not i'm open to the one being in front of me.

well that's stupid, i should always be open, unless i'm in a committed relationship with someone else. so yes i'm open, but i guess there is a question of whether or not I'd be open to someone who doesn't speak english.

it shouldn't matter, i only think that's bad when i think about some edge cases. politics and if i need to use my own heritage for maximum effect. but that's stage 3 of my life goals, and by then the us will be even more latin so it's really a dumb concern at all. I don't know why I think it's a problem.

she would have to be open to learning english, no she would have to want to learn english and live in the us in the future. but i'm very open to maintaining a permanent residence here.

it's important that i learn english so her only speaking spanish in the beginning would be helpful.

l like what i have now, something steady that is loyal and fun. but it's known that it's not going to last and now i can swing for the fences a bit more with something i really want and try things in the mean time.

it's risky but i feel it's manageable with basics and not getting to greedy. be reasonable and no rush.

I don't want to be dishonest, and i have been a little dishonest. I'm not sure how to reconcile this. i know that's not good and i don't like that i'm doing that at all. because there are other areas of my life where i know it's actively hurting me and honestly it might be hurting me in this area too. obviously if it's hurting me it's hurting others too.

So i want to move to being more and more honest. i'm not going to do all the things i want to do if i'm not being honest. but i probably can't do all the things i want to do without being strategically dishonest also. Or is that just me wanting it to be okay to get the short term pleasure i want.

i want it to be the world where i have to be honest. that's a better world. that's the example i'd like to set and prove to myself. that's optimistic, that's my pure self. that's my truth.

So in this area of women i am currently captured by pleasure. if that's true then i'm likely to get into trouble. quite literally fuck around and find out.

what's likely to go wrong. someone is likely to get pregnant, i'm too fucking old to accidentily get someone pregnant also the wrong person.

like wholly fuck you where in a bad relationship for three years and that cause some major damage.

no.

it didn't cause damage. it was training. i have been training with weights and i'm about to drop that weight and see what I can do. i'm strong af. i see the world so much clearer. my emotions are on track and in general much more developed.

i'm leveling the fuck up right now. i need to complete the integration process. i feel that's what i'm doing. it's good i'm questioning why i'm doing this.

I'm recommitted to never telling anyone this is me. that way it's for me only, but it's still part of the world. it's not just thoughts in my head. it's action or at the very least it's an important way to support keeping my mind grounded in the reality of my life. in general the alignment of my actions and thoughts is higher now.

okay so there is some honestly that i need to have with people and myself. i need further integration between my thoughts and my actions.

but also clarity of thoughts.

okay gym