I'm obsessed with feeling ok. If I don't feel perfect, then I hyper focus on what is wrong and what I might do to not feel this way. I believe it has something to do with so many people in my family dieing when I was young.

I thought people died a lot and that I might die sooner than I expected. So I should do everything to be healthy and a big part of that became feeling good. Also, being raised by women, who, in my experience, seem to focus on feeling good in their lives.

I want to let go of the need to feel okay. I don't need to feel okay to be able to do the things I need to do. Particularly when there is really nothing wrong.

For instance, this morning. I feel tired, I didn't sleep super well, my mind is busy thinking about how sleep better instead of living so well today that I'm tired and just can't help but sleep well. But I'm tired and I want to do things that make me feel good, or make me feel like I'm being productive but are not actually productive. Sometimes they are just things that were productive in the past but are now not productive. I want to feel like I'm busy because that makes me feel like I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing and that makes me feel good. It doesn't even make me feel good, but when presented with the anxiety of figuring out something new or starting over, it feels good to do something familiar.

I've spent the last 2 years doing amount exclusively this.

Wholly shit it's so simple to win. Maybe not get everything I want or can imagine. But to do well.

Not to mention all the years before where I did so much mindless studying. Really have to look at my obsession with Steve Jobs, that is really where my over indexing on learning from people and 'how tos' started. He said some truths that changed my life for the better.

Actually, it was the justification of leaving school, not Steve. I wanted to leave school and everyone was like you need to learn. I was like there is a better education on youtube, but the real truth was that the concept of learning that society believed was dated and no longer useful.

I know I'm on the path ultimately because when I literally can't do what everyone else is doing. I fall apart if I'm doing anything routine or mundane because it's what is designed for most people.

Routine and mundane is fine but as a way of exploring the path forward to my defined ends.

Crazy that I've had this Youtube learning obession because I didn't quite follow my own thoughts. It's insane how so many of my problems come from not following myself.

If I don't follow myself who will? I honestly wonder how many people have this problem, where they don't follow themself, run into walls, blame themsleves, and then humble themselves and follow the pack.

Damn I think a ton.

I'm not going to be one that anymore, not following yourself because you are supposed to be doing all these other million things.

It would be cool to have financial tech that helped people follow their own ideas more.

Everyday, I want to stick to the internal compass of exploring every experience, not doing things because I'm supposed to be doing them.

Right now, I would like more value and to feel like I'm mentally clear so that I can print money.

But truth is i'm feeling tired and my body is being asked to be used.

So time for the gym and sauna.

I'm obsessed with feeling ok. If I don't feel perfect, then I hyper focus on what is wrong and what I might do to not feel this way. I believe it has something to do with so many people in my family dieing when I was young.

I thought people died a lot and that I might die sooner than I expected. So I should do everything to be healthy and a big part of that became feeling good. Also, being raised by women, who, in my experience, seem to focus on feeling good in their lives.

I want to let go of the need to feel okay. I don't need to feel okay to be able to do the things I need to do. Particularly when there is really nothing wrong.

For instance, this morning. I feel tired, I didn't sleep super well, my mind is busy thinking about how sleep better instead of living so well today that I'm tired and just can't help but sleep well. But I'm tired and I want to do things that make me feel good, or make me feel like I'm being productive but are not actually productive. Sometimes they are just things that were productive in the past but are now not productive. I want to feel like I'm busy because that makes me feel like I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing and that makes me feel good. It doesn't even make me feel good, but when presented with the anxiety of figuring out something new or starting over, it feels good to do something familiar.

I've spent the last 2 years doing amount exclusively this.

Wholly shit it's so simple to win. Maybe not get everything I want or can imagine. But to do well.

Not to mention all the years before where I did so much mindless studying. Really have to look at my obsession with Steve Jobs, that is really where my over indexing on learning from people and 'how tos' started. He said some truths that changed my life for the better.

Actually, it was the justification of leaving school, not Steve. I wanted to leave school and everyone was like you need to learn. I was like there is a better education on youtube, but the real truth was that the concept of learning that society believed was dated and no longer useful.

I know I'm on the path ultimately because when I literally can't do what everyone else is doing. I fall apart if I'm doing anything routine or mundane because it's what is designed for most people.

Routine and mundane is fine but as a way of exploring the path forward to my defined ends.

Crazy that I've had this Youtube learning obession because I didn't quite follow my own thoughts. It's insane how so many of my problems come from not following myself.

If I don't follow myself who will? I honestly wonder how many people have this problem, where they don't follow themself, run into walls, blame themsleves, and then humble themselves and follow the pack.

Damn I think a ton.

I'm not going to be one that anymore, not following yourself because you are supposed to be doing all these other million things.

It would be cool to have financial tech that helped people follow their own ideas more.

Everyday, I want to stick to the internal compass of exploring every experience, not doing things because I'm supposed to be doing them.

Right now, I would like more value and to feel like I'm mentally clear so that I can print money.

But truth is i'm feeling tired and my body is being asked to be used.

So time for the gym and sauna.