yup the last few days have not been the best either. i'm not following through.

why?

I feel unsure. what if i'm wrong. what if i need them. what if i regret the decision.

i feel none of that matters. as i sit here now i feel the same and i have felt this way for months and been aware that i felt this way for months.

I can't ask people who i'm ending things with to be different. I've talked to both of them several times about the thing that I'm talking about. They have not adjusted behavior. they are committed to their path and that's okay. but it doesn't work for me.

mic is overly emotional and not ready to be a wife, amr is overly emotional and not ready to be a wife. holy fuck i'm doing the same thing. that's crazy. my low standards on a dating app lead me to the exact same person. dating apps suck lol well no. I was in a desperate place both times, and thought that if I came the relationship correctly that it would be great because men are the ones that mess things up. men are bad and women have been hurt by men for years and years. really for all time. my sisters taught me this. my dad wasn't good enough and their partners where okay but in general not good enough.

Lots of them where narcissist, bad, not supportive in some way, but good enough.

So i brought this with me to a relationship.

I'm ready to move on. I'm tried of being treated like this. I'm tired of treating myself like this.

i want revenge. but I should not do that. this other girl is trying to manipulate me to get want she wants from me but it's not very good at it. lol. i feel like i should avoid it or should i lean in and see if i can navigate it. learning to navigate it could be fun, but it would be leaning a bit into my darkside. knowing i can manage dark arts if i need to could be valuable, but i don't want to become that and by engaging i'm exposing myself to that.

But i feel i want it mostly because of pleasure seeking. i want to risk it for the nut. would be a good nut. yeah i need to do it. i don't want to want this anymore.

okay settled.

The only way out is through. I'm really enjoying it so far, but i'm getting tired of it too. I don't need to find anything, i would like something consistant, that isn't an emotional burden, ticks my boxes, where i learn spanish. it doesn't need to be the one, if it is great. if it's not then that's okay too. where sex is completely compatible, she is down to come over for simple visits 2 times a week or something. someone that is super hot to me, chill and okay to spend time together without it being super intense.

but yeah, i feel lame saying that I want to be doing something else.

Why do i want someone right now? well i want a family, that is a priority. but i'm also going through phase where sex is really important to me. this has happened before. i just need to operate in the truth. I haven't been doing that completely. so i need to clean that up. it's hard though because some women have bad expectations, i have been handling that by keeping all the cards to myself and trying to appear to treat every women to there expectations. Well that's not true it's not that bad. more like I'm transparent and try for a relationship, it's not the right girl but i like sex so i keep going with here and start looking for something else. that's what you call thinking with your dick and being a dick honestly. like bro come on are you really this easily manipulated by sex.

You have spent months stuck in a situation you know you don't like because of sex. it's been emotionally damaging to you and maybe her but honestly her emotions are very unstable. she is also completly attached to me in a deeply unhealthy way. well i don't know if it's unhealthy but it's just too culturally different than me. okay it's ending with mic tomorrow. done.

i can't keep doing this too her and to me. i know too much.

okay amr. also like holy fuck bro you are in a situation right now. you spend all your time on this right now. it's not the worst the experience has been great and you wanted to do this. so honestly let's do it intelligently. let's aggressively attack what i want and get it. minimizing risk, stds and babies are not accepable outcomes. baby only if you know in your mind you want to spend the rest of your life with her and she will make good babies. but want to get married and do the thing. what about li - let her go. she is lovely and i don't want to hurt her. don't lead her on.

I'm so so unfocused. i have adhd brain. I let me time and attention be controlled by others. i say does this or that work for you? not let's do this or that. i don't have a program, i don't have a life path. so i'm open to someone else's path.

let's go shower and have another sesh

yup the last few days have not been the best either. i'm not following through.

why?

I feel unsure. what if i'm wrong. what if i need them. what if i regret the decision.

i feel none of that matters. as i sit here now i feel the same and i have felt this way for months and been aware that i felt this way for months.

I can't ask people who i'm ending things with to be different. I've talked to both of them several times about the thing that I'm talking about. They have not adjusted behavior. they are committed to their path and that's okay. but it doesn't work for me.

mic is overly emotional and not ready to be a wife, amr is overly emotional and not ready to be a wife. holy fuck i'm doing the same thing. that's crazy. my low standards on a dating app lead me to the exact same person. dating apps suck lol well no. I was in a desperate place both times, and thought that if I came the relationship correctly that it would be great because men are the ones that mess things up. men are bad and women have been hurt by men for years and years. really for all time. my sisters taught me this. my dad wasn't good enough and their partners where okay but in general not good enough.

Lots of them where narcissist, bad, not supportive in some way, but good enough.

So i brought this with me to a relationship.

I'm ready to move on. I'm tried of being treated like this. I'm tired of treating myself like this.

i want revenge. but I should not do that. this other girl is trying to manipulate me to get want she wants from me but it's not very good at it. lol. i feel like i should avoid it or should i lean in and see if i can navigate it. learning to navigate it could be fun, but it would be leaning a bit into my darkside. knowing i can manage dark arts if i need to could be valuable, but i don't want to become that and by engaging i'm exposing myself to that.

But i feel i want it mostly because of pleasure seeking. i want to risk it for the nut. would be a good nut. yeah i need to do it. i don't want to want this anymore.

okay settled.

The only way out is through. I'm really enjoying it so far, but i'm getting tired of it too. I don't need to find anything, i would like something consistant, that isn't an emotional burden, ticks my boxes, where i learn spanish. it doesn't need to be the one, if it is great. if it's not then that's okay too. where sex is completely compatible, she is down to come over for simple visits 2 times a week or something. someone that is super hot to me, chill and okay to spend time together without it being super intense.

but yeah, i feel lame saying that I want to be doing something else.

Why do i want someone right now? well i want a family, that is a priority. but i'm also going through phase where sex is really important to me. this has happened before. i just need to operate in the truth. I haven't been doing that completely. so i need to clean that up. it's hard though because some women have bad expectations, i have been handling that by keeping all the cards to myself and trying to appear to treat every women to there expectations. Well that's not true it's not that bad. more like I'm transparent and try for a relationship, it's not the right girl but i like sex so i keep going with here and start looking for something else. that's what you call thinking with your dick and being a dick honestly. like bro come on are you really this easily manipulated by sex.

You have spent months stuck in a situation you know you don't like because of sex. it's been emotionally damaging to you and maybe her but honestly her emotions are very unstable. she is also completly attached to me in a deeply unhealthy way. well i don't know if it's unhealthy but it's just too culturally different than me. okay it's ending with mic tomorrow. done.

i can't keep doing this too her and to me. i know too much.

okay amr. also like holy fuck bro you are in a situation right now. you spend all your time on this right now. it's not the worst the experience has been great and you wanted to do this. so honestly let's do it intelligently. let's aggressively attack what i want and get it. minimizing risk, stds and babies are not accepable outcomes. baby only if you know in your mind you want to spend the rest of your life with her and she will make good babies. but want to get married and do the thing. what about li - let her go. she is lovely and i don't want to hurt her. don't lead her on.

I'm so so unfocused. i have adhd brain. I let me time and attention be controlled by others. i say does this or that work for you? not let's do this or that. i don't have a program, i don't have a life path. so i'm open to someone else's path.

let's go shower and have another sesh