to know me, you've first gotta understand i have a fraught history with religion. i come from a long line of Mormons and Mormon converts — i'm the first in my family to officially split from "the church".

and it wasn't an easy process.

when you're that integrated into a community, you're giving up EVERYTHING. your social status, your friends, large parts of your identity — all to venture into unknown territory for the sake of a set of moral and ethical principles that are... uncertain, to say the least.

it's pretty excruciating.

and the only thing that sustains you through such a foundational change like that is usually community.

or anger.

but i didn't have a community.

so it was the heat that carried me through that period of my life.

i called myself "radically spiritual" and "militantly atheist" for a LONG time. i started fights at family gatherings. i protested when reddit remove r/atheism from the front page. i carried The God Delusion around in public.

i was OBNOXIOUS.

but many years later, i was able to let go of the word "atheist" altogether, and my life began to open up.

i learned to "not know" and to take delight in the mundanities of life. i became curious. interested. and, at times, even happy.

still, echoes of my "radical" opposition to religion continued to show through.

• pointedly correcting references to "god" to be "goddess" or "the universe"

• refusing to acknowledge ghosts, tarot, or astrology

• quietly baiting my relatives about their ideological inconsistencies

but sometime last year i was finally able to let go of that in many ways.

and it came just in time.

i started dating a lovely girl last year — my first serious relationship in a while, and it was going REALLY well. so well that i started to worry about some of the scar tissue and baggage that i'd acquired during and since the pandemic (it was a VERY rough time). i had already been doing some work to dismantle some of the walls i'd put up, but it suddenly felt existentially important. i didn't want to mess it up with this chick.

so i asked the universe for help.

i wanted to soften, and fast.

i needed to cry.

so...

... god took my ability to work.

... and then he took my grandmother.

... and then he cancelled my vacation. flooded my apartment. made me sick. made me sick again. ripped my bumper off. made me REALLY sick. ended my happy relationship. ran over my phone. made me sick again. tore my meniscus. stole my bike. and most recently, cancelled a concert i was REEEAAALLLYYY excited about.

and he asked me to be happy through all of it, too.

i don't believe in god.

but he's given me everything i've ever asked for.

i wanted love. so he sent me pain.

i wanted to cry. so he sent me pain.

i wanted friends. so he sent me pain.

i wanted peace. humility. humor. passion. direction. discipline...

...so he sent me pain.

to be clear, i think god probably tried everything else first.

i'm just very stubborn.

and now, i'm the happiest i've been in a long time. and it feels like a very DURABLE happiness, too. it's something i'm creating — something i'm WILLING out of the raw ingredients of the universe — rather than seeking it in the world around me.

and every time i put my hands on the clay... it feels like God is there, waiting to be sculpted out of it.

it's reverent.

and joyful.

and strong.

so i've learned to accept this feeling. this thing i can't explain. this force that is both deep within me and larger than everything.

and i call it God now.

not because i believe religion got it right.

but out of respect for this thing so many have wondered at before me.

it is not "my" god, or "the" god, or "a" god.

it is simply...

... God.

and i think it's given me a lot this year.