I've been writing a lot, but I haven't been posting any of those 'cause my thoughts change too fast when I edit just to realist that I think differently again.

From the development of technology to economics, to arts and nature, then back to animation, and brain-computer interface. We'll catch up on that.

I haven't been this sick for a while now.

Because those who've been meditating know that people who meditate could easily heal if they let themselves.

I still meditate as I observe the condition of the flue gets better.

And, I was thinking about how I've always been avoiding to talk about illness because back in the earlier days, certain 'manifestation gurus' told us that we gotta think about what we love more so that those things get manifested. Well, I still know and agree that we have conversations and thoughts about what we welcome, but I do think that we have to have the courage to allow.

I haven't been allowing.

In times of failing and failing all over again, I haven't been allowing.

In times of being rejected by way too many things and people, I haven't been allowing.

Is that negativity? I won't even allow myself to mention 'negativity' back then, I guess. Not even in my diary.

That's how crazy I am. I mean, I was.

People grew up differently and understand things differently from me, I haven't been allowing.

People blame things here and there, I think they're too toxic which in fact they were and even influenced me to be as such back then because we all cared too much about things we were obsessed about, I haven't been allowing.

I cry in the middle of thinking what would it be like, what would life be like from here on as I still put my hands under the tap flowing with psychic toxic even after knowing because of curiosity, anything from the past that won't matter anymore, things that seem like they're a mix of the best and the worst, being so chaotic that is not worth of using the sacred tears to cleanse again and again in the negative loop. Yet, I wasn't allowing and I yell for the others to stop touching those taps in my nightmares. Or my dreams. Or nightmares that I won't even mention as 'nightmare' even though I cry waking up from things like that. I wasn't allowing.

I hope that I could spit in the toilet bowl like what my Grandma used to say so that every so-called 'bad omen' would be gone, so that nobody would know and I would also forget because I don't wanna remember.

The more I struggle from things that were kept on chasing me in the nightmares, the more I wasn't allowing. Until I ran once, from two powerful hands that were trying to hold me like fish.

Yet, Idk how I'm a fish like an energy ball that grows legs and ran off so quickly. There's a flight of stairs. All white. Everywhere is white. I thought I got out of the nightmare loop ever since. I was so happy.

Yet, that dream of the sacred tears and my severe sickness this time told me the signals that I wasn't allowing.

A friend asked me.

I avoided the question.

I cried the next second she couldn't see me.

Because I know I really would almost say 'no', but I have been dreaming about it since young. I can't. I can't lie, but I can't say 'yes', because I can't anymore.

I can't even tell her that my heart was broken since February.

I pretend to be happy.

I wasn't allowing.

No, not Ferbuary.

Last year.

No, not last year.

Last few years.

No, not last few years.

Since I was a child.

I wasn't allowing.

Chee, I wanna tell you that it's okay.

I would love you the same even when you cry.

I would love you the same even when you smile.

and yes, we have moments of truly being happy too.

A lot.

And I am so glad that we are allowing.

I am so glad that you have anchors to hold us in our lives so that we can make it through every time we feel like the sky is collapsing.

because it's not.

It's still there.

I'm so glad that it's still there.

I'm crying typing this because humans are so vulnerably imperfections that are so beautiful like myself.

I knew so many mental health professionals who have different episodes that also seek for mental health aid at different life stages.

And, so, I did not give up on mine.

Breaking out of being the hermit disengaged from the world, many things felt better at first.

yet, I often felt like an imposter.

because if we don't, you have stacks of things to prep and understand but your voice would be muffled and even your ear is kinda like having cotton there.

well, at least now we know we can't blow our nose too hard or else our nose would bleed like one of the weekends or holidays after this Lunar New Year. Crying hard, nose bleeding, like a zombie from public transport.

so,

back to not wanting to be

the imposter

and yet

being one.

I love tech and I love arts.

I miss the era where Leonardo Davinci is both the artist and the scientist.

In the tech world, I love ethical data training and eco-friendly usage. So, I'm glad that Denoise button of Blender, the Legal Large Language Model that's using data with permission and/or public domain data kl3m.ai - the cleanest LLM in the world, and the other hopeful projects in the world as such that hopefully would have more attention.

And, so, hey, that doesn't mean that everyone has to become related to a certain technology. In fact, if the evaluation is really as said, we might actually be able to free our hands to do anything in the world for real.

Not everyone has to be forced into a certain path of AI, AI, AI, so that they have contribution to the world. And, in creation of technology for protection, it is not an excuse of AI for war when your company mission and vision talk about love and peace. It's not a world of forceful fear until now. We have been dancing with our love and fear that's naturally shaping us and weaving every step forward. We've ditched all those forceful and physically hurtful ideas as our civilisation moves forward just to prove our points of the power of negotiation as well as the power of understanding our emotions.

Also, to the people who are controlling other people's data so that you can target them with different ads or 'brainwashing materials' while calling themselves their concept 'philantrophy', be careful of the karma and the strike back.

Ya, btw, for the people who don't know, I have a course of AI out of all the coursework of my degree in biomedical engineering. Also, back in 2022, I joined a heck lot of AI competitions.

I love souls who are making technology more accessible to not gatekeep certain things for a certain group. Some say the elites, some say the ones without bad intention yet unable to spread the information too far.

I love them.

But, I hate them for being used as tools to create or use things in ways that are deviating from the purposes of the creations.

Just look at what and where we're heading towards now, I still have to have high hopes.

Good luck on the AI Safety research groups and good luck on the people who thought that it's all a yes-or-no situation.

Because it's not.

I have high hopes on us for creating a new path with a new world.

New ways of creating ecosystems in the destruction and construction come and go like breathing of nature.

I have confidence in us.

I really love arts.

watercolour, pattern art, recently even tangling, neurographic, creating my own style even. I love animation. I love so many people who use stories to create value changes naturally.

I love stories.

The longer and the more philosophical yet creative, the better.

The more insane and out-of-the-world like no one has ever done before, the more intrigue.

Something that's so fearless that nothing and nobody can overtake or even if they do, it's like one of the arts in public domain that decide our times of owning and sharing, and more.

some told me meme coins was it about blockchain while creator of ethereum, aka Vitalik didn't really 'like' meme coins. In the documentary, even just by watching the trailer, you would see the narrator teasing that the creators of tech might have great intentions and yet... sometimes when you look at how things deviate from there and look at Vitalik's current blogs, we would ask ourselves again about the hope we're standing for.

ya, the whole it's just to experience the moment could sink in to feel the nothingness from nothing while we love everything.

just to be alive.

yet, coming back into the topic, when I first touched NFTs, I see how they protect artists and any creators. We know that these are the ones directly from us and qualified.

We can see how Polygon, Ethereum, etc have their ecosystems with different tools. Btw, using a Web 3 publishing platform (paragraph.com) at first was also because I've used platforms like Google Blogspot, Revue, before and you do have to know that any centralised platforms have the rights to just make everything vanished overnight, intentionally or not, outta mistake sadly or strategic plans leaving certain things out of their plates etc.

So, ya, we're not here for the blockchain dramas and crypto platform scams because you could kindly watch how those things happen. To me, technology magnify human's traits. The greed and the misunderstanding all at once.

So, ya.

I gotta admit that I actually also thought about how great it would be to have a world with certain new decentralised platforms that give the power back to the people. And, yet, I realised certain things that I have to consider as well. Many of the older generations thought about the risky parts and some even calling it a 'gambling' place or a strategic plan of certain 'whales' or 'sharks' to control the market or make certain plans for their way out without putting a dime back into the ecosystem they promised to give.

Well, those did happen. Too many news that I won't even cite because I forgot about their names. Most of the ones that started in 2022, if you don't see them active anymore right now, it's sadly them.

Some who really put effort and resources back into their ecosystems, they're growing so slowly because there's still a huge gap of spreading the trust and information in using them. Plus, Idk why the vibes were usually kinda shady too, full of crypto ads that I personally think might scare first-timers as well. I personally wrote about not to simply click on links you dk as well, even when from family &// friends because their accounts might be hacked or they themselves dk about it even when sharing with kind intentions, from a personal past experience. It's as complicated as it seems, but the simple rule is to use a separate device for testing prototypes or new things, especially for tech people, or new founders always needing to click on such things here and there.

So, now we know about certain ways to show we are the ones who own the arts.

While some glazed their arts and some increase a layer of noise on their arts to avoid their arts being trained without permission, I'm right here typing and thinking... well... in turn, if I hope that anything seeing my words here would know, they would know too. Of course, also, I'm appearing slightly fearless because I have a soul consistently evolving compared to anything that's assisting me that is in my decision to use or not in different situations.

In the arts world, I love artists who could understand that it's not a black-or-white situation to blame everyone all at once while typing using plastic keyboards on electrical gadgets created in materials you don't know with electricity generated in ways you don't know that would most probably end up being e-wastes. Humans are not perfect.

You know, I really love artists.

and yet, I really have to admit that not all.

NOT ALL!!!

Do you know that I've seen certain artists actually dividing themselves from the others and say that their 'style' was not pioneering enough?

or critisicing in ways that made me feel so not comfortable!

As if arts in their eyes must or have to be or should be in a certain way if not perfection!

So, I lowkey dislike those people who change their profile pic as Ghibli style thingy when they dk that Ghibli have been spreading messages of not having war, and having more love and choices that protect the nature.

Some of them did literally the opposite while calling themselves 'romanticising life' which wasn't because romantic means memorable and living the moment for real.

are you?

so, I got myself into the position as an imposter no matter where I go because although I seem like an artist, I'm the biomedical engineer.

I seem like the engineer, but I am the artist.

damn.

what happened to this world?

Some putting their 'No AI' sign on their banner and arts as I was thinking like, do you know that certain people in tech were actually trying all that they can to go against people who use or create tech in ways that harm us?

Do you know that certain ways of using AI is in fact eco-friendly and ethical if we allow such people to be seen and allow it to happen like KL3m, Glaze, Blender, and more?

sigh.

sigghhhhhhhh

SIGGGGHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

ahahahhah

ok I got better now. See?

things unsaid and unheard to be said

thanks w love

that would bring us to being eco-friendly.

being eco-friendly doesn't mean being perfect.

I gotta say that I hated myself for a while for buying acrylics last year, because I searched that it's not an eco-friendly medium most of the times.

also, I didn't touch the keyboards for real for a while...

plastic...

I know...

thinking about egg shell keyboards yet thinking of sources of eggs and sigh again...

yet seeing how corn starch bags are still here, people still working on renewable energy resources, climate changes, and changing lives...

seeing...

seeing...

seeing certain people really enjoying life and the moment as it is...

as it was...

as it is...

I love myself for being me the entire time.

so, ya, lastly, just wanna introduce ecosia in case anybody doesn't know. Just simply search and it contributes to effective tree-planting.

ya, on their youtube, they showed how they planted, like caring and knowing ways. Not just plant and leave it.

Also, tech being related to nature.

Yay, love it.

Let's end today's writing here.

Till we meet again.

have hope in love, okay?

at least have hope in loving myself, thanks w/ love!

thanks w/ love,

Chee