From the Deck of the U.S.S. Sam’s Club

From the White House parking lot of economic truth, president Donald J. Trump addressed the nation today on the successful completion of America’s War on Inflation.

“We did it. We won. Inflation is dead. Defeated. Gone. You’re welcome,” the president declared,standing beneath a banner that read MISSION ACCOMPLISHED: PRICES DOWN, PATRIOT!

The Fed had cut rates earlier in the year, at Trump’s insistent urging. The president took full credit, explaining, “I told them to do it — very strongly, very beautifully — because I know more about interest than anyone who ever charged one.”

Some economists — “the fake ones,” as he called them — noted that prices remain stubbornly high. Trump waved this off: “Those are yesterday’s prices. We’ve moved into a new economy where everything feels affordable because I said it is.”

A Ceremony of Savings

The event occurred aboard the U.S.S. Sam’s Club, docked off Aisle 9 in Bentonville, Arkansas. Behind the president fluttered a forty-foot Walmart receipt repurposed as a national battle flag. “Mission Accomplished” gleamed across it in red Sharpie, beneath a total of $384.76 for household essentials.

Hundreds of supporters waved reusable shopping bags and chanted “U-S-A!” as Trump adjusted the teleprompter to a more flattering angle.

“We have crushed the enemy, folks — defeated inflation, also known as Joe Biden’s Ghost. Faster than any administration in history, except maybe Lincoln’s, but he didn’t have tariffs. Tremendous man, but not a tariff guy.”

The crowd cheered. Trump gestured toward the horizon, where Dollar Tree banners fluttered at half-mast.

“Look around. Prices may look high, but they’re actually patriotic. When you pay six dollars for orange juice, you’re investing in America. It’s called Refund Patriotism. You give your money to the country, and maybe we'll return it someday.”

The Commander-in-Cheap

Standing at attention behind him were his “Fiscal Marines” — Treasury secretary Scott Bessent and Fed Chair Jerome Powell — both visibly exhausted but smiling through command discipline.

“Powell’s a great guy,” Trump said. “When I said, ‘Cut rates,’ he said, ‘Sir, inflation’s still high.’ And I said, ‘Not anymore.’ That’s called leadership. Knowing your numbers — or at least your poll numbers.”

Applause thundered. The band launched into The Star-Spangled Banner on clearance-rack kazoos.

Operation Market Freedom

The address inaugurated what aides call Operation Market Freedom — an ambitious effort to redefine economic reality through optimism, executive orders, and creative arithmetic.

“We did it before with the border, with the virus, with Greenland — wonderful people, by the way, they wanted to be part of us — and now we’re doing it with prices,” Trump said. “We simply changed the definition of inflation. The fake news won’t tell you that. But under the Trump Index, prices are lower than ever, especially if you’re rich.”

When reporters attempted to ask questions about food and housing costs, aides drowned them out with chants of “Mission accomplished! Mission accomplished!” while confetti made from shredded IRS forms rained down.

Banners, Bargains, and Belief

Where George W. Bush once landed on an aircraft carrier to proclaim victory in Iraq, Trump arrived on a forklift, waving a gold-embossed Walmart card. The new banner behind him read:

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED: THE PRICE IS STILL WRONG — BUT PATRIOTICALLY SO

Trump concluded by assuring the nation that America’s purchasing power was “the best it’s ever been — just ask anyone who can still afford to take a poll.” He promised “total price stability” through smaller receipt fonts and “ending math as a globalist conspiracy.”

After the Parade

Supporters received commemorative “Defeated Inflation” medallions — aluminum coins redeemable for five cents off frozen goods. Economists observed that the minting cost exceeded their value, which the White House called “proof the economy is so strong it can afford irony.”

That evening, the Bureau of Labor Statistics quietly reported another uptick in inflation. Trump spokesperson Karoline Leavitt dismissed it as “deep-state accounting.”

“The numbers may have risen,” Leavitt said, “but they rose patriotically under the President’s leadership.”

The Gospel of Make-Believe

By morning, cable news declared the Bentonville speech “the Gettysburg of Groceries.” One anchor called the president’s Walmart receipt “the most sacred image in modern American economics.”

Across the country, citizens whispered their doubts between gas pumps and grocery aisles, wondering if inflation had truly surrendered or merely gone underground. Yet for one glittering, flag-strewn afternoon, America believed that the war was over, that prices were loyal, that victory could be declared by proclamation alone.

The Price of Pretending

The Bush-era Mission Accomplished banner once wilted under the heat of reality. The Trump-era version may fare no better, yellowing under fluorescent light and the slow grind of checkout scanners.

Would-be autocrats, it seems, are not undone by their enemies but by their need to applaud themselves.

And so, the Commander-in-Cheap salutes the crowd, the band strikes up Proud to Pay More, and America marches bravely into the next sale season — triumphant, indebted, and forever at war with the price of its own delusions.

The lights dimmed, the banners sagged, and the receipts had risen again by morning.

 ~ Dunneagin

 Attachment (Leaked): White House Memorandum — Operation Market Freedom — obtained by the Civics Unhinged archives

CLASSIFIED // ECONOMIC TRIUMPH // EYES ONLY

Date: October 2025

From: Office of Market Freedom Implementation (OMFI), Executive Office of the President

To: The Honorable Donald J. Trump, President of the United States

CC: National Council on Prosperity Optics, Department of Vibe Management, Treasury of Feelings

Subject:

 Implementation Framework for Operation Market Freedom

In alignment with your Historic Victory over Inflation and pursuant to your direction during the Bentonville Address (“Prices are down, patriotically”), this memorandum provides the operational plan for transitioning the national economy from Objective Reality (Phase I) to Patriotic Perception (Phase II).

I. Mission Statement

To consolidate the President’s decisive triumph over inflation through the full mobilization of optimism, consumer gratitude, and selective arithmetic, thereby ensuring the continued prosperity of the Republic as measured by applause frequency and receipt size.

II. Strategic Objectives

1.    Rebrand Inflation as Economic Stamina.

o   Citizens will be informed that higher prices indicate national health (“the economy is so strong it can charge more”).

o   Retailers encouraged to rename “price increases” as Loyalty Adjustments.

2.    Establish the Patriotism Satisfaction Gauge (PSG):

o   Replaces the obsolete Consumer Price Index (CPI).

o   Weighted toward states that voted correctly.

o   Readings lower than “Very Satisfied” will be referred to the Department of Doubt Management.

3.    Enhance the Public’s Purchasing Mood:

o   Introduce “Victory Pricing Fridays,” during which Americans celebrate their economic resilience by paying slightly more for household goods.

o   Mandate that all receipts end with the phrase: “You’re Welcome — The White House.”

 Simplify Economic Reporting:

o   All federal statistics to be replaced by intuitive emojis.

o   Unfavorable data will be flagged as “temporarily woke.”

o   The Bureau of Labor Statistics renamed itself The Department of Winning.

III. Public Engagement Initiatives

• Refund Patriotism Drive: Citizens can donate grocery receipts exceeding $100 for ceremonial burning at Trump rallies, symbolizing inflation’s final defeat.

• Faith-Based Finance Initiative: Treasury will issue Victory Bonds redeemable for moral satisfaction.

• The Price Is Still Right Tour: Cabinet members will host celebratory shopping events across America, offering “patriotic markups” on select merchandise.

IV. Performance Metrics

V. Contingency Planning

Should unpatriotic data reappear, the administration will:

• Declare the data “in retreat.”

• Announce an Economic Surge to stabilize morale.

• Convene a Blue-Ribbon Task Force on Feelings to recalibrate the national mood.

VI. End State

A nation in which perceived prosperity permanently exceeds measurable prosperity, thereby eliminating the psychological conditions necessary for inflation to exist.

This memorandum confirms your victory as enduring, self-reinforcing, and statistically irreversible (pending recalibration of the statistics).

Approved:

Scott Bessent

Secretary of the Treasury

Countersigned:

Donald J. Trump

President of the United States, Commander-in-Cheap

Distribution:

• 1 copy to The National Archives of Triumph (formerly GAO)

• 1 copy to Fox Business Network (for immediate analysis)

• 1 copy left on a Cos