This year has been a struggle for me for a lot of reasons. I have already dived into some of the reasons why in my previous blogs. I want to give an overview of where I am at, why I think I am here, talk about how I am overcoming some of the barriers and how I intend to tackle other barriers. I also know that I am going to struggle for the next month or so. We are nearing the first anniversary of mum passing away and this is going to be tough for my entire family.

It started over Christmas. I locked myself away because I felt it was best for me and my family. I was a mess, I was emotional, irrational, an irritation to others and very irritable. The smallest things would wind me up. Rather than add additional pressure to be a certain way at a certain time, in a situation I couldn't 'escape' from, I kept myself to myself. I spent most of Christmas day in daze.

On reflection I am not sure this was the best thing for me, but we live by our decisions and I will never know the difference. I do not regret this decision. Then we had the announcement of y00ts moving to polygon. This sent the Polygon NFT space into overdrive. There was a lot of anger, expectation, frustration and resentment in regards to the comments flying around about lack of community on Polygon. I mean really! As well as anticipation and excitement into how y00ts could boost the visibility of the people already on Polygon.

At the same time as this, I feel that a leader recognises the faults in themselves and the things they are leading. I felt a responsibility to help people be accountable for their actions. Did we deserve Polygons support, individually or as a community? I am not sure we did. And how does Mastercard or Visa include their end users. Polygon directly supporting us individually, or our community, is possibly akin to Mastercard or Visa including all retailers in their decision making and offering them benefits and financial support for that. It doesn't happen very often outside our industry, why do we expect it within it?

I know why we expect it, that isn't the point. The point is someone had to ask those questions. The upshot of a month of asking questions was being able to get Polygon into a meet with us at Polygon Alliance and personally feeling overwhelmed and under supported. We gave Polygon feedback and they appear to have listened. We are collating more feedback and I need to touch base with the Polygon connects we have created, to ensure that feedback gets to them. These are all massive things and could be daunting on their own.

In my personal life, as I know many of you know, I have lost my accommodation (not my fault, the apartment/flat I rented was sold and I got evicted for new tenants), I have had car issues (not having one being the biggest issue) and we have had some large firsts without mum. All of these things add their own pressures.

My job is not an easy job, I enjoy it, I am good at it but it is difficult. I manage a renewal book with over £1,000,000 gross written premium and I am very good at renewal retention for our business. This adds stresses as well. And I want to clarify (not in case my company reads this, but for you and me). I feel hugely appreciated by my company and am grateful for them.

I have also agreed to take on some paid roles in this industry. I need to make sure I honour my commitments there, but they are two way streets. Then there is the pressure of making sure that the people who want to employ my services aren't placing my brand or future at risk. And that's a very uncertain place to be right now.

We have CryptoGoonz, CartridgePunkz & DrippyBullz. There are things that need to be worked on and managed with all three projects. I have differing responsibilities and commitments with each project and it can be difficult when external factors prevent them from moving forward.

And finally my brand. None of those things above drive an income for me (apart from the 2 paid roles, related to my personal brand). For all of the support I have offered out and for all of the building I have done. I still need to work. This is mainly because I won't compromise my values. Some people will say I am inhibiting myself, I say I am not here for today. The future will need trust, and too many are willing to compromise the trust they have built for short term gain.

And then to the thing that has frozen me in my tracks. Made me like a rabbit in the headlights. Frozen, unable to move forward or back. Filled with uncertainty. And a lot of it came from me. Back to my age old trick of putting expectations on me that may not even exist. I felt so overwhelmed by so much. And add the fact that Polygon Alliance (PA), my big idea, is at a level up stage, well, it made me a mess.

How do I level up PA, encourage my team to be the leaders they are capable of (and take the responsibility that comes with that), reward my team and make sure the values that are so important to me, lead us? How do I make things fair? How do I implement contracts when I am not willing to drive an income until we have more knowledge of regulations in this industry?

I have kicked back against the top down structure society insists we have for a long time. How do I make sure my leadership team is not like that. How do I make sure no one thinks they are better than any one else and that everyone's voice should be heard, if not used to makes decisions? How do I ensure that I still love doing this? If I don't love it, I may as well go and work for JP Morgan for example. And that is not something I want to do.

For me Polygon Alliance is a bastion of trust. Built from the ground up, with trust, by trust and on trust. How many organisations can say that? I am NOT willing to risk that for a quick buck today. We need to be a corporate entity, as a social enterprise or a not for profit entity to begin with. The set up will take time and I want the input of my team to help make these decisions.

The people that have bought into me, and the idea of Polygon Alliance need to be consulted, it is only fair. It is going to take time, effort, sweat, hard work, more tears, smiles, mistakes, huge wins and lots of other things to make Polygon Alliance what I think it can be. The biggest challenge is keeping us relevant whilst I direct us towards my longer term vision.

What is that vision? Go on then, if you have read this far you deserve to know that at least! I want Polygon Alliance to become a trusted networking platform that offers services benefitting anyone wanting to be in the crypto space. And I want the platform to be community owned. How we get there? By not giving up, by smashing those ceilings. By getting up, dusting ourselves down, putting our shoulders back, lifting that foot and putting it front of the other one!

I am getting very close to 30K followers, Polygon Alliance is an insane achievement, it ha had no funding whatsoever... people who doubt me will be proved wrong, including myself. And I am not willing to hand this over to anyone. Not even Polygon. Any one can come play if they follow our values.

Thank you to the 89 pof you that claimed my latest NFT. I will be getting that sorted over the weekend. I appreciate anyone that has patience with me, and more than that, I appreciate your time, love and support. It has kept me going when I have had some darker moments this year. Thank you and have an amazing weekend, until next Friday!