Dear Web3, My Mattress Doesn’t Print Statements
By: A Very UnVerified African
Dear Web3 startups,
We love you. We love your tokens. We love your Discord channels. We even love the 17-step wallet connection ritual required just to mint a free NFT.
But let's talk about something... sensitive.
Your KYC forms are still living in 1970s.
The Problem: “Please Upload a Utility Bill”
Utility bill?
When was the last time you saw that, most bills are in the landlord's name, we have meters that you load on demand, the last time I saw a utility bill, I was using it to chase a cockroach under the fridge.
We don’t do “paper” anymore. If Kenya Power hasn’t emailed it, I haven’t seen it. And even if they did, it’s probably still loading on my 3G Safaricom connection, which was then not now.
“Credit Card Details Please”
Credit card?
LOL. This isn’t Mad Men. We skipped that era. Straight from cash to mobile money, baby!
Credit cards are those plastic fossils that only work in select places — like that one Java in Westlands that never has network.
Out here, our wallet is M-Pesa, Airtel Money, or your cousin Kevin (who owes you KES 4,200 since December).
“Kindly Upload Your Bank Statement”
Okay Web3 startup, let me tell you a secret.
Some of us still bank with mattresses.
And guess what?
MattressBank™️ does not issue monthly PDFs.
I can maybe get you a pillowcase with some cryptic writing on it. That’s the ledger. Transactions recorded in dreams.
What We’d Rather See (for real):
M-Pesa Statements (screenshot is fine, no need for 40-page PDFs)
Proof of hustle (WhatsApp messages with clients, screenshots of gigs)
Referral from your local DAO lead
Airtime purchase history (a very underrated credit score indicator)
Number of memes posted to social media and followers
Meanwhile in the DAO…
“Hello, I just onboarded 3 creatives and built a gig marketplace, can I get my tokens?”
Web3 Admin: “Yes, but first send us your passport, a photo of your forehead in daylight, and a utility bill addressed to your pet goat.”
Let’s Be Real
Web3 is about freedom, decentralization, and inclusion.
But if your onboarding looks like a loan application at Family Bank in 1972, you're missing the point. Because first there was no family bank and most of us were not even born yet.
Africa is mobile-first. Informal economy based. Reputation-driven.
Our KYC isn’t just about documents—it's about trust, contribution, and network.
We don’t need 20th-century paperwork to build a 22nd-century economy.
Solution? A Customer-First DAO!
Let us:
Earn by doing work, not filling forms
Build our reputation on-chain, not on folders from Huduma Centre
Onboard with M-Pesa, trust, and referrals—not bank statements from accounts we don’t use
Final Thought:
If your DAO still needs me to fax my birth certificate before I can earn a bounty…
I will kindly excuse myself to go farm tokens on Solana with my mattress.
Sincerely,
An African DAO member trying to onboard his boda guy
(He already has 5 stars on Uber, why do you need a landlord's letter?)