If you thought avocados had reached peak fame with overpriced brunches and Instagram aesthetics, think again. A secret plan (okay, not so secret anymore) is underway to scale the production and usage of over 1 million avocados. The target? Green people—the generation that eats them, smears them on their faces, and worships their buttery green glory.
And of course, the aging ones like us, looking to stay young and keep our skins pliable and soft, the dating market is quite difficult in this modern age.
Avocados: More Than Just a Fruit, It’s a Lifestyle
Avocados are not just food; they are a statement. They scream, “I am healthy, I am trendy, and yes, I will spend on avocado toast instead of buying a house.” From toast to smoothies to skincare routines, avocados have infiltrated every aspect of modern life.
How Different Generations Use Avocados: A Study in Green Madness
Older People (Boomers & Gen X): The Avocado Purists
Eating It Like a Normal Person – No Instagram, no TikTok—just slicing it, adding a little salt, and eating it like you are in a ’90s cooking show.
The “Natural” Hair Treatment – Because back in the day, shampoo was optional, and rubbing mashed avocado into your scalp was basically DIY L’Oréal.
Secret Home Remedies – “Rub avocado on your knees, it cures arthritis.” “Blend it with honey, it stops wrinkles.” “Eat enough of it, you’ll never need a doctor.” Science? Who needs it when you have grandma’s wisdom, passed down over 3000 generations?
The Mystery of the Avocado Pit – Boomers never throw away the pit. Some plant it, some boil it, and some just keep it on the kitchen counter forever, claiming it has some unknown future purpose, behold the avocado seed, I ate back in 2005.
Weapons Against Inflation – “Back in my day, an avocado was few shillings!” We can hoard them like gold, tokenize them and make a secondary financial layer around our beloved green fruit.
Younger People (Millennials & Gen Z): Avocado Cult Members
Avocado Toast: The Holy Grail – The sacred breakfast of Gen Z. Extra points if it has feta, chili flakes, and a perfectly aesthetic drizzle of balsamic reduction, this is why we are eating strange.
Face Mask Experiments – Because why eat it when you can smear it all over your face and call it “self-care”?
The “Avocado Proposal” – Yes, some Avo romantics put engagement rings inside avocados and propose. This is why your parents are concerned about your choices.
Avocado Merch Obsession – Socks, phone cases, plush toys, even avocado-shaped pool floats. If it exists, a Gen Z-er will buy it.
Avocado Anxiety – The stress of waiting for an avocado to ripen and then realizing you have exactly 37 seconds before it turns into brown mush is a real, terrifying struggle. The trauma, the inhumanity, the world-shattering problems we have in our modern society.
Avocado Ice Cream & Coffee – Because everything must be reinvented for aesthetics, no matter how cursed it sounds. hollow out an avocado, pour espresso into it, and drink straight from the avocado shell. Because why use a cup when you can suffer?
TikTok Avocado Hacks – “How to tell if your avocado is ripe with a single stare.” “How to make avocado hair dye.” “Can you use an avocado as deodorant?” “If they don't eat avocado, they have unresolved childhood trauma – Maybe they once bit into an unripe avocado and never emotionally recovered.” (Answer: No, No. Please stop.)
The Grand Avocado Expansion Plan (GAEP)
Well, we can surely see the demand is out there, so Kevin and his team at 1Million avocados want to do the following:
Mass Production: 1 million avocados to ramp up markets, making guacamole a basic human right. Green us free.
Beauty Industry Takeover: Face masks, hair treatments, and—debatably—the occasional avocado-based deodorant (because why not?).
Avocado Merchandise: Think avocado-shaped water bottles, phone cases, and even plushies. Ok, not the plushies but anything goes with avocadoes.
Avocado Influencers: Gen Z avocado activists spreading the word through TikToks like “How to Manifest the Perfect Ripe Avocado” and “What Your Avocado Spread Says About Your Love Life.”
Gen Z-Specific Products: Avocado-based anxiety relief serums, because student loans are real, and so is avocado’s soothing power.
The Dark Side: The Avocado Limits You Should NEVER Cross
While avocados are fantastic in many ways, there are limits. We strongly advise against attempting to use them in places where no avocado should go. Yes, you may try it but it will not end well. Let’s just say, not all orifices are built for avocados, and if you ever feel inspired—stop immediately and reevaluate your life choices. Be better.
The Future of Avocados: A Green Utopia or Pure Chaos?
With 1 million avocados in play, the world will never be the same. Will we embrace this green revolution, or will we finally reach avocado burnout? Only time will tell. Until then, enjoy your overpriced toast, keep your skincare routine strong, and remember—some places are simply not meant for avocados.
And for Kevin and the 1 million team, may the Green be with you, always.
Fabian Owuor