I’m absolutely delighted that each executive order seems to claw away at our precious freedoms—really gives life that nice, dystopian flavor I’ve been craving. Of course, I love the ominous news alerts, the creeping sensation of power being centralized to a degree that would make a comic-book villain blush—just chef’s kiss perfection. Who needs checks and balances when we have a never-ending parade of proclamations, right? So I took the liberty of putting together a list of his worst offenses thus far-they are pretty abhorrent.
1. The Hair Apparent Act
Mandate: Every citizen shall receive an official comb-over tutorial video personally narrated by me, “the best hair model in the world.”
Rationale: “I have the greatest hair, nobody can deny it. A national hairstyle lesson will boost morale and keep the country looking sharp.”
2. The Twitter (X) Time-Out Bill
Mandate: All tweets must be approved by a newly formed “Department of Tweets & Memes” for comedic value.
Rationale: “We need to keep Twitter safe, folks. Only the best jokes, the highest-rated memes—believe me.”
3. The Monument to My Golf Score
Mandate: A 50-foot gold-plated scoreboard listing my best golf results shall replace the Washington Monument.
Rationale: “We need something tall, beautiful, and 100% true about me at the heart of D.C. My golf score is legendary.”
4. National Ketchup Preservation Day
Mandate: American steakhouses must serve steak exclusively well-done with a side of ketchup on the first Tuesday of every month.
Rationale: “It’s how real patriots eat steak. Anyone who disagrees? Sad!”
5. The Wall of Pillows
Mandate: The “My Pillow” guy needs a job. He will be padding the border wall with my pillows. Ha! All of my face!
Rationale: “So comfortable you’ll want to sleep on it—nobody will see it coming. Luxury meets security, big league.”
6. The Executive Orange Glow
Mandate: Spray-tan stations must be available in all federal buildings for “uniform national glow.”
Rationale: “Every citizen deserves to shimmer like a reality TV star. It’s a glow-up for America.”
7. The “No Fake News” Airwaves Initiative
Mandate: All major news channels must broadcast a daily 15-minute segment praising my business deals, complete with confetti and theme music.
Rationale: “It’s not propaganda if it’s true, folks. And everything we do is fantastic. Everyone agrees, big time.”
8. The Trump Tower Skyline Overhaul
Mandate: All city skylines must feature at least one building with “TRUMP” in neon letters 20 feet high.
Rationale: “It will inspire confidence in the American real estate market and remind everyone we’re number one.”
9. The Presidential Ringtone Requirement
Mandate: Cell phone carriers must replace default ring tones with a personal recording of me saying, “I’m calling, and it’s going to be huge.”
Rationale: “So you know when it’s me, because only my calls matter—everyone’s talking about it.”
10. The Official Meme Day Proclamation
Mandate: Every Friday is Meme Day. Federal employees must post one presidential meme or GIF (of me, obviously) before clocking out.
Rationale: “We’re making Fridays great again. Everybody loves a good meme, and I’m the greatest subject around.”
11. The Fast Food Summit
Mandate: All future White House banquets must serve a rotating menu of fast-food favorites: burgers, pizza, and fried chicken—no forks allowed.
Rationale: “We must show the world the true American palate. Classy, yet convenient.”
12. The ‘You’re Hired’ Citizenship Program
Mandate: Anyone who perfectly imitates my “You’re Fired!” catchphrase at immigration interviews automatically moves to the front of the line.
Rationale: “We need talented voice actors, folks—makes the process fun.”
13. The Perfect Phone Call Act
Mandate: Everyone in the country must say “perfect phone call” at least once a day in any phone conversation, no exceptions.
Rationale: “All calls should be perfect. If they’re not perfect, they’re no call at all.”
14. The Ultimate Brand Unity Act
Mandate: American currency must include the phrase “In Trump We Trust” underneath “In God We Trust.”
Rationale: “Why pick favorites? There’s room for everyone, including me, right on the money.”
15. The 140-Character Resume Requirement
Mandate: All federal job applications must fit in 140 characters or less, including punctuation.
Rationale: “Short, sweet, and to the point—best hiring strategy ever. I invented short-form content, you know.”
16. The Luxury Border Patrol Uniform
Mandate: All border patrol agents must wear gold lamé uniforms with my initials on the back.
Rationale: “Shiny uniforms reflect our shiny ambitions—and me. Tremendous.”
17. The “All Press Conferences Are Crowd Rallies” Act
Mandate: Every press conference must be held in a stadium with crowds chanting “USA!” spontaneously at five-minute intervals.
Rationale: “Because that’s how we keep morale high and energy YUGE.”
18. The Mandatory Reality Show Pilot
Mandate: Each member of Congress must create a reality TV pilot about their life in office, to be pitched to me for “network consideration.”
Rationale: “We’ll get to the bottom of who’s entertaining enough to keep around—ratings are everything.”
19. The Mar-a-Lago Weekend Compulsory
Mandate: Every American is required to visit Mar-a-Lago at least once a year and purchase a souvenir “Golden Golf Tee.”
Rationale: “Patriotic tourism, folks. Nothing boosts the economy like a Mar-a-Lago membership drive.”
20. The “Greatest Executive Order of All Time” Clause
Mandate: It is illegal to claim any future executive order is better than these.
Rationale: “I mean, these are obviously the best. Ask anybody. It’s not even close.”
Remember—none of these silly “orders” are actually real. If they make you chuckle (or cringe), mission accomplished!
Fletcher Christian
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