2023 was one of the most eventful years of my life, both on the professional and personal side. I ticked off a bucket list item of taking a product from absolute zero to launch on the engineering side, did more travelling than I ever have, and had a lot of firsts.
It started with what I regard as Vibecamp 1.5, which was an early visit to the site in February. I went with a few of the organizers and checked our Ramblewood, the new location, changed from Camp Champions of last year.
It was really cool, and got me really excited about the event. It was big, had a few cool pre-existing structures like some platforms put up by a fae-group that sometimes uses the grounds. It was my first time to Baltimore, but aside from managing to match with someone on a lesbian dating app, the rest of the trip was uneventful.
Then there was Summit at Sea, which has been described as half TED, half Burning Man on a cruise ship that Summit completely rents out for attendees. It was really, really, cool. During the day there were a lot of interesting talks, and nighttime had a variety of dance parties. Dante's Hi-Fi for the more traditional rock music, and The Manor for more ravey music.
I met a lot of old Clubhouse friends for the first time, and did generally have a lot of fun. In retrospect, I think I let a few negative experiences really get to me more than they should have (but started my journey to learning how to be intentional with my presence at events and retreat when needed).
Then, there was actual Vibecamp 2. It was definitely different than the first one, I came a bit early to help out before the event started, painted a bit of the 'vortex' at the entrance before the event started happening in earnest. I think I brought a bit too much festival energy to something that the zeitgeist was definitely lower key at. The Teahouse was a highlight, I met a new friend Alison early and I learned she was responsible for most of the decorations at the Teahouse.
The dance parties were good, if more sparsely attended than I thought they would be. The cabins were definitely better than the ones at Camp Champions, and I did my little corner of decoration.
I spent a little bit of time with my fellow party journalist Jane Flowers, but really didn't do as good a job as I wanted to with some of my programming activities. It was definitely a microcosm of the general theme of the year in taking on way too much for my capacity. I did a little interview for the Vibecamp 2 documentary.
I've written about the one bad experience I had at the event elsewhere, and I think that it was another case of letting it get to me too much. Going to things largely for the first time after being some arbitrary amount of 'transitioned enough' has led to some intense experiences, and I'm finding my boundaries and tolerances. I'd wager they are more strict than the TPOT zeitgeist which is perhaps why I don't think I'll attend Vibecamp-mothership events again.
Then there was Vibegala 2. Even better than last year, I was lucky enough to help out a little again and had a great time. Met some Twitter mutuals for the first time, including one that had heard me speak at Hereticon some time ago and mentioned I had a big impact on them. As fond as I am of latex, I think the costume of latex catgirl was not the move for this party and I would probably wear something closer to Dark Eris that I did for the first one. It was definitely more my speed than Vibecamp.
I went to FWBFest 2, and I think this was probably my least favourite event. It was cool, but really scaled back from last year. I was really looking forward to the Charli XCX show, and that was where another bad thing happened to me. Definitely let it ruin my weekend more than it should have, but I think I'm making strides to not let that happen in the future.
Yet, I still had as much fun as I could. Mostly owing to Boys Club members and some of my roomies at my AirBNB.
The biggest impact event for me was my first Burning Man. Getting to the gates, taking the inaugural roll in the sand and ringing the bell was so much fun. A good amount of my friends are burners, so I felt a little that this was my 1.1 Burn.
Waking up that first day and seeing someone deliver mail was amazing. It took a few days, but I transitioned from thinking I was 'at Burning Man', to that I 'lived in Black Rock City'. I will definitely grab an e-bike next year, because I was not quite in the condition to make it to everywhere I wanted to go on a regular bike.
The rest was kind of a blur, I visited with a few Twitter mutuals, got trapped in my first dust storm, and experienced 'Deep Playa' / the trash fence for the first time. A life changing experience, and I am forever indebted to my guide Sugar Mama. You really get burning man at Deep Playa.
Had my usual day of crying, and had a few awful days. I was told this is normal, and that I didn't hate all of my first Burn was really better than the average first Burn.
I left my startup in October. I had realized earlier in the year that I had been trying to just continue doing what I had done after coming out, and that I needed some time to myself to focus on myself and transition for a little bit.
I went to Amsterdam for the Network State conference. It was okay, but I felt at times like it was more of a timeshare presentation than something really groundbreaking. A few of the speakers I maybe wanted to talk to had pre-recorded videos instead, and I think only staying a few days was a mistake due to how bad the jet-lag was on me.
Finally, I hit up Art Basel. It was really at this event that I felt so exhausted socially for the first time and realized I had done way too many things in 2023. I did have a good time in the end, owing mostly due to the Boys Club event, hanging with people like winny dot ethereum, and my unexpected invite to a Poolsuite afterparty where I got to chat a bit with Maggie Love for the first time.
So what did I learn in 2023? A lot.
To be blunt, I think I have not properly appreciated a lot of what's come to me. It's easy to place blame on things like transitioning, some things that happened to me in Vancouver in 2020-2021 that I haven't properly held space for, and a bunch of other things.
I have slowly come around to believing in 'no one's coming to save you', and that I should have gone to fewer events and taken care of myself in some more pedestrian and unglamorous ways.
I've also learned that as much as I like some people in some positivity communities, that overall they are not for me, and I can't practice some of the norms required.
Yes, I can definitely adjust my prism of experience more in the positive direction. I was forged in some extraordinary circumstances of the last few years. A lot of them good, but some have given me insight into the darker parts of human nature. There is a worldwide wave of anti-trans sentiment, regardless of whether you want to call it genocide or not.
I've seen commentary on 'authenticity', that practicing it fully is 'emotional streaking', and instead it's prudent to only practice it in the direction of positivity. Your girl can't do this. My socioeconomic status, some ravages of testosterone poisoning and a whole bunch of other things have made it so that participating in society is a bit of a low key war.
I do have some inner work to do, but I think not in the way that others practice it. It's going to involve a lot of messy firsts and some really, really prounounced stumbles. I haven't been very kind to myself on accepting that most cis women have a good 20-30 years of learning things I'm trying to master in 2-3, and jet setting party girl has probably been a net negative push against that journey(if a little bit needed to make up for some of that lost time).
Talking with a friend has also given me some empathy for positivity communities. I had some negative interpretations of them, but I understand a little better now that they can serve as protection, and they are how some people practice that inner work. It's a little indicative of 2023, in that they are just not for me right now.
I really wanted to dispense with the 'one girl against the rest of the world' perspective, but I now think that's not possible. Moderating it instead is the way. I've struggled with turning the activist in me off for a long time, and I think maybe that's not possible either. There are ways to redirect it though, ways that will enable me to not show up rather constantly in a far more emotionally charged way than I probably should be.
So, if I had to summarize, I went a little too wide in 2023, but now know where to go deep in 2024. 2023 ended a bit sadly for me, with a previous blog post ending some journeys. If there's anything I'm taking from that experience, it would be that sometimes you really do have to be your whole self, but you also have to understand whether the spaces you inhabit are able to support that or not. If it's the latter, then you have to make some hard calls that will have some consequences either way.
The theme for 2024 is going from intense to intentional, and I think I know where I want to go deep now. Writing is definitely how I process things, but I think I've learned to smooth over this artform a little. You can have a degree in choice in how you manifest yourself authentically, and that there is no law that says that always has to be the raw state of yourself.
I'm binge watching Deep Space 9 again, and in the episode where Jake Sisko has a moment of extreme cowardice in a battle situation, his father tells him that it's brave to write about it, and even braver to let other people read it.
I feel like practicing that has led to some unfortunate ends, but I also have come to accept that humans just aren't meant to practice radical authenticity all the time. My authentic experience can at times be pretty grim, and that's not for everyone. Whether that means some private journaling, or finding another artform for processing the slings and arrows remain to be seen.
I did learn long ago that bravery only gets you so far, and I've been trying to puzzle out whether I've forgotten that. In the DS9 pilot, Sisko Sr. sees a barren rockface where Dax sees a summer meadow. I think I've definitely forgotten that in terms of being unable to force other people to see and experience your reality.
I'd really like to see that summer meadow, but it's not in the cards right now. I'm melancholy over the implications of that, but some things we just have to accept. I know that I let too much of that barren planet direct me in 2023, and would probably take a few pieces of writing back or at least let a bit more of that summer meadow into them.
Part of 2024 will involve putting in some work to address some negative things that won't let go of me just by moving forward. Messy, long, painful work made necessary by the actions of other people. I have deep feelings of unfairness around that, but also acceptance that it's what I should have been doing for a lot of 2023.
2024 is going to be a very different flavour of 'let's see what's out there' than before, but the one I need right now. Despite a rough few months, I really still do feel lucky to be in a position to navigate that barren planet and maybe find a few meadows along the way.
