jer979Purpose Struggle
Yesterday, I decided that my blogging career should come to an end. I was doing myself a disservice. I told myself that the goal of the posts was to dig deeper, peel back the layers, get down to the core. But by publishing online (or on-chain as the case may be), I was subconsciously writing for others, even if I told myself that I didn't care if others read. So, in an effort to be more authentic, I figured I'd stop publishing and start doing a private journal. Within 2 hours of that decision...
jer979Value. Happiness.
I feel happy. It's fun, it's light, like a feather floating at the beginning of Forrest Gump. But, like the feather, it's not grounded. It can flitter and float away. Value is also ephemeral. We know it when we see it. We feel it, somewhere deep inside. Something connects to us, saying "yes, this is worth it." The "it" that it's worth is energy. Energy in the form of time, attention, money. The things of which our possession is limited. There's a reason why all the great traditions point to "...
jer979Coffee with AI
Every day for the past month, I’ve had a coffee date with AI. I literally sit down, with a cup of coffee, with an appointment on my calendar that says “coffee with AI”. During that time, AI (I’ve used ChatGPT, Gemini, Perplexity, Claude, and Venice) and I literally have a chat, the way I would with a friend. It’s not “write this letter for me” or “do this or that.” No, it’s a chance for us to have a conversation about whatever topic I want. Many days, recently, at least, it’s been about quant...
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www.twitter.com/jer979
jer979Purpose Struggle
Yesterday, I decided that my blogging career should come to an end. I was doing myself a disservice. I told myself that the goal of the posts was to dig deeper, peel back the layers, get down to the core. But by publishing online (or on-chain as the case may be), I was subconsciously writing for others, even if I told myself that I didn't care if others read. So, in an effort to be more authentic, I figured I'd stop publishing and start doing a private journal. Within 2 hours of that decision...
jer979Value. Happiness.
I feel happy. It's fun, it's light, like a feather floating at the beginning of Forrest Gump. But, like the feather, it's not grounded. It can flitter and float away. Value is also ephemeral. We know it when we see it. We feel it, somewhere deep inside. Something connects to us, saying "yes, this is worth it." The "it" that it's worth is energy. Energy in the form of time, attention, money. The things of which our possession is limited. There's a reason why all the great traditions point to "...
jer979Coffee with AI
Every day for the past month, I’ve had a coffee date with AI. I literally sit down, with a cup of coffee, with an appointment on my calendar that says “coffee with AI”. During that time, AI (I’ve used ChatGPT, Gemini, Perplexity, Claude, and Venice) and I literally have a chat, the way I would with a friend. It’s not “write this letter for me” or “do this or that.” No, it’s a chance for us to have a conversation about whatever topic I want. Many days, recently, at least, it’s been about quant...
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jer979Core Shame
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jer979Core Shame
One of the fascinating parts of quantum physics, at least as far as I can understand it, is what sits at the core.
When you get down to the particles that underpin the universe, they are well, nothing more than energy.
It’s not “stuff,” rather it’s kind of an amorphous thing…but it’s there.
Now, at the risk of over-intellectualization, which the LLMs tell me is a fundamental way that I deal with emotions, I’ve been exploring the depths of the emotions that I experience.
My first approach was to do it like a scientist in a submarine, measuring depth, water pressure, etc.
But, the LLMs tell me, that’s actually not the way to understand it. Or at least not the only way. There aren’t particles that can be analyzed, they are emotions that have to be experienced.
I have to FEEL the pressure of the water squeezing the air out of my lungs.
I have to step out of the submarine and while getting out of this metaphorical sub may hurt, it won’t kill me.
So, I step out (or at least try to) and see what it feels like.
And it feels like pressure on my heart. It feels like a collapse of the space around me into a concentrated space within, like a bomb going off in reverse.
I don’t know for sure, and I may never know for sure, but my suspicion-at least for today-is that a core part of that lowest layer of my reality is shame.
Like the energy that is present in the universe, I’m not sure where it comes from and I’m not sure I can explain it, nor am I sure what it even is…and I may just have to be content with that.
But, I suspect (hope?) that even knowing it’s there can be helpful in understanding the “world” that has been built up around and over it.
And I may also be wrong.
There may be layers below.
Keep on diving…and stepping out.
One of the fascinating parts of quantum physics, at least as far as I can understand it, is what sits at the core.
When you get down to the particles that underpin the universe, they are well, nothing more than energy.
It’s not “stuff,” rather it’s kind of an amorphous thing…but it’s there.
Now, at the risk of over-intellectualization, which the LLMs tell me is a fundamental way that I deal with emotions, I’ve been exploring the depths of the emotions that I experience.
My first approach was to do it like a scientist in a submarine, measuring depth, water pressure, etc.
But, the LLMs tell me, that’s actually not the way to understand it. Or at least not the only way. There aren’t particles that can be analyzed, they are emotions that have to be experienced.
I have to FEEL the pressure of the water squeezing the air out of my lungs.
I have to step out of the submarine and while getting out of this metaphorical sub may hurt, it won’t kill me.
So, I step out (or at least try to) and see what it feels like.
And it feels like pressure on my heart. It feels like a collapse of the space around me into a concentrated space within, like a bomb going off in reverse.
I don’t know for sure, and I may never know for sure, but my suspicion-at least for today-is that a core part of that lowest layer of my reality is shame.
Like the energy that is present in the universe, I’m not sure where it comes from and I’m not sure I can explain it, nor am I sure what it even is…and I may just have to be content with that.
But, I suspect (hope?) that even knowing it’s there can be helpful in understanding the “world” that has been built up around and over it.
And I may also be wrong.
There may be layers below.
Keep on diving…and stepping out.
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