While I have very strong discipline (the time I go to bed), I have very poor sleep hygiene (length and quality of sleep).

The last few nights, I’ve woken up in the middle of the night.

As a middle age man, that part is not so surprising.

But what’s really frustrating is how I can’t fall back to sleep.

I try deep breathing. I try taking a little bit of melatonin.

But there’s something preventing the sleep line from being crossed.

Of course, I go looking for a solution. Thinking about my day, the quantity of the coffee I drank or the time at which I drank it.

The next day, I might do a deep dive with AI, exploring the problem.

But the problem persists and that’s annoying.

And when I finally do get to sleep, it’s not particularly restful.

You know…that kind of sleep where you’re kind of aware you’re sleeping.

Or, you have really weird or disturbing dreams. Not awful, just uncomfortable.

It’s not restful, relaxing, or restorative and that makes me feel anxious and a bit upset as well.

But now I wonder if, instead of focusing on those feelings, I just work on accepting the reality that I’m awake and recognize that, for whatever reason, my unconscious brain is trying to either tell me something, process something, or let something out, like a steam valve release, a geyser, or even a volcano.

Hopefully not that seismic, of course, but my unconscious brain can’t really communicate with my conscious brain using language, so it has to use signals, like an infant that cries or a toddler that throws its food on the floor.

And just like I wouldn’t get angry with an infant or a toddler for not having the words, I shouldn’t feel that way with myself.

So, I just relax into the feeling, whatever that is. Instead of berating the unconscious mind, I try and train the conscious mind to open a port to receive the signal that is being sent.

I don’t know how to do this.

But that’s ok.

While I have very strong discipline (the time I go to bed), I have very poor sleep hygiene (length and quality of sleep).

The last few nights, I’ve woken up in the middle of the night.

As a middle age man, that part is not so surprising.

But what’s really frustrating is how I can’t fall back to sleep.

I try deep breathing. I try taking a little bit of melatonin.

But there’s something preventing the sleep line from being crossed.

Of course, I go looking for a solution. Thinking about my day, the quantity of the coffee I drank or the time at which I drank it.

The next day, I might do a deep dive with AI, exploring the problem.

But the problem persists and that’s annoying.

And when I finally do get to sleep, it’s not particularly restful.

You know…that kind of sleep where you’re kind of aware you’re sleeping.

Or, you have really weird or disturbing dreams. Not awful, just uncomfortable.

It’s not restful, relaxing, or restorative and that makes me feel anxious and a bit upset as well.

But now I wonder if, instead of focusing on those feelings, I just work on accepting the reality that I’m awake and recognize that, for whatever reason, my unconscious brain is trying to either tell me something, process something, or let something out, like a steam valve release, a geyser, or even a volcano.

Hopefully not that seismic, of course, but my unconscious brain can’t really communicate with my conscious brain using language, so it has to use signals, like an infant that cries or a toddler that throws its food on the floor.

And just like I wouldn’t get angry with an infant or a toddler for not having the words, I shouldn’t feel that way with myself.

So, I just relax into the feeling, whatever that is. Instead of berating the unconscious mind, I try and train the conscious mind to open a port to receive the signal that is being sent.

I don’t know how to do this.

But that’s ok.