The rewards, if they come at all, come at the end.

I am attracted to them. Even attached to them.

Letting go of the need, the desire, for the reward, for the outcome feels overwhelming and scary.

The “goal” sits like a heavy stone in my stomach, figuratively-and literally-weighing me down, keeping my orientation on some imagined future state, some imagined future happiness.

Meanwhile, as John Lennon said, “life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.”

But it’s hard. Really, really hard. I’m terrified of what my identity and self-image become if, nay when, I actually abandon the compulsive attachment to the goal and instead lean in and savor the process of getting there…even if it never comes.

I used to always try and lift the stones-no matter how heavy-all at once.

Now, I see that the power comes from watching the stone every day, seeing the constant drip of water that is the process of self-improvement.

Perhaps, some day, the stone will break and dissolve.

Perhaps not.

Either way, the beautiful thing is knowing that, if I drop enough water for long enough, eventually the stone will break…but not caring if it actually does.

The rewards, if they come at all, come at the end.

I am attracted to them. Even attached to them.

Letting go of the need, the desire, for the reward, for the outcome feels overwhelming and scary.

The “goal” sits like a heavy stone in my stomach, figuratively-and literally-weighing me down, keeping my orientation on some imagined future state, some imagined future happiness.

Meanwhile, as John Lennon said, “life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.”

But it’s hard. Really, really hard. I’m terrified of what my identity and self-image become if, nay when, I actually abandon the compulsive attachment to the goal and instead lean in and savor the process of getting there…even if it never comes.

I used to always try and lift the stones-no matter how heavy-all at once.

Now, I see that the power comes from watching the stone every day, seeing the constant drip of water that is the process of self-improvement.

Perhaps, some day, the stone will break and dissolve.

Perhaps not.

Either way, the beautiful thing is knowing that, if I drop enough water for long enough, eventually the stone will break…but not caring if it actually does.