As some of you may have noticed (absolutely nobody noticed), I haven’t written anything in the past three weeks. I could throw out a handful of excuses (interviewing for jobs, family visiting, competing life priorities) but at the end of the day, that’s all they are. Excuses. I just didn’t want to write bad enough, despite the commitment I made at the start of the year to write one piece every week… which bothered me in a way I can’t put my finger on.

Since October 2024, I’ve been on something of a self-improvement sprint. Health, posture, work, communication, writing, marriage, addictions. If it’s something I can optimize, I’ve probably tried. Partly because I want to grow and give myself the life I actually want, but also because my city sucks and there’s nothing else to do. So, might as well work on myself.

Thanks for reading JovianSol's Substack! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

With all of these efforts, I go through cycles. One week I’m locked in, and the next I’m struggling to do even the bare minimum. Writing, though, was different. It was interesting because for nine weeks straight, it didn’t take any effort to sit down and do it. Sure, ideating, drafting, and editing all took time, but none of it ever felt like a chore. If anything, I looked forward to it. I went to bed excited to wake up the next morning, knowing I’d get to write.

I was on a feel-good streak for quite a while. I was keeping my word and doing something consistently. But, as always, life had other plans.

Though I’d love to blame good ol’ “life just got busy,” I can’t totally do that for this one. The first week I slipped up and didn’t write was 100% my fault. I had written (subjectively, at least) a great piece on the lie that is digital privacy. It was different from my usual writing, and I was excited to put it out there. But the day before posting, I had one shred of doubt. My piece sounded too formal and stuffy. So I edited a few parts... Then a few more… And each time I touched it, it would just get worse. Four hours later, the whole damn thing was just awful.

To make matters worse, I neglected to make backups and there is no undo button on my editor (lesson learned). I just had an amalgamation of words that lost all structure.

Frustrated, I slammed my laptop shut and told myself I’d fix it in the morning. Alas… the morning came and I didn’t even look at it. A day passed, then two, then three, then a week. Before I knew it, I had broken my streak.

That should’ve bothered me more. But it didn’t. Some part of me was… okay with it? Not in a dismissive, “I don’t care” way, but in a “this isn’t the end of the world” way if that makes sense. And that, above all else, bothered me. I should have been scrambling to get back on track, making up for lost time. After all, I had made a promise to myself. Instead, I just let the gap widen. And that’s what I’ve been turning over in my head for the past few weeks. What is it in me that is able to let go of commitments so easily?

Because it’s not just writing. I’ve done it with TikTok, with YouTube, with building the digital product I keep telling myself I’ll start. It’s like the second something feels difficult, I mentally shelve it, trusting that I’ll “come back to it” later. But later comes, and I don’t. And each time I do that, I reinforce the idea to my subconscious that my commitments don’t actually mean anything.

My relationship with discipline has always been avoidant. My shadow is that I hate that discipline requires work, that it’s uncomfortable. But I think it’s less about the discipline itself and more about how I handle discomfort. It’s not pain or exhaustion that gets me, it’s frustration and difficulty. The second I get a shred of challenge, my brain immediately looks for loopholes or means of escape.

The worst part is that I’m really good at justifying those loopholes. I tell myself “I’ll come back when I’m in the right mindset” or “I should let the idea breathe.” or “I need to be in the right creative flow.” But honestly, it’s all just a dressed-up excuse for “I don’t feel like being uncomfortable right now.”

It’s a pattern I’ve had for as long as I can remember, with strings that lead back to various parts of my childhood. I could sit here and psychoanalyze myself all day, but at the end of it, the reality is that I can be as self-aware as I want, but self-awareness doesn’t change anything unless I do something about it.

Maybe it’s a form of self-trust? Or maybe a lack thereof? Maybe I trust myself enough to know I’ll come back? But then I don’t. I just don’t show up for myself… which just reinforces to my subconscious that my commitments aren’t a priority.

Maybe it was perfectionism? If I had just posted the damn thing, even if it wasn’t exactly the way I wanted, I wouldn’t have broken my streak. But I didn’t… And for what? What was I even trying to avoid? My ego? Perhaps. It’s silly to think I derailed my entire piece for a few edits that no one but me would have noticed, all to meet some illusory standard that only I care about. No one else would have even noticed the difference.

But I noticed… And I know myself too well to pretend this was a one-off mistake. This is a pattern, but knowing that doesn’t make it any easier. Awareness doesn’t erase my instinct to avoid and hold off just a little longer. But if I keep waiting for things to feel “perfect” I’ll never get anywhere.

I don’t want to be someone who only stays committed when things feel easy. That’s not real commitment. It’s just convenience disguised as discipline. I made a promise to myself at the start of this year to stay on track always… Not just when motivation was high or things lined up perfectly, but also in moments when I don’t feel like it… when it would be so much easier to let it slip just a little further.

Can’t deny it though, it’s just so hard sometimes. But I guess that’s the point. If it were easy, there’d be nothing to overcome and nothing to be proud of on the other side, and everyone would do it.

So yeah, I’m back on track. No grand epiphany. No breakthrough. Just me deciding that I’m not going to let this slip any further. I said I’d do this, so I will. Simple as that.

I want to be someone who keeps their word. Not only to others, sure, but to myself. Because if I can’t trust myself to follow through on the things I claim to care about… What am I even doing?

Share

Thanks for reading JovianSol's Substack! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

As some of you may have noticed (absolutely nobody noticed), I haven’t written anything in the past three weeks. I could throw out a handful of excuses (interviewing for jobs, family visiting, competing life priorities) but at the end of the day, that’s all they are. Excuses. I just didn’t want to write bad enough, despite the commitment I made at the start of the year to write one piece every week… which bothered me in a way I can’t put my finger on.

Since October 2024, I’ve been on something of a self-improvement sprint. Health, posture, work, communication, writing, marriage, addictions. If it’s something I can optimize, I’ve probably tried. Partly because I want to grow and give myself the life I actually want, but also because my city sucks and there’s nothing else to do. So, might as well work on myself.

Thanks for reading JovianSol's Substack! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

With all of these efforts, I go through cycles. One week I’m locked in, and the next I’m struggling to do even the bare minimum. Writing, though, was different. It was interesting because for nine weeks straight, it didn’t take any effort to sit down and do it. Sure, ideating, drafting, and editing all took time, but none of it ever felt like a chore. If anything, I looked forward to it. I went to bed excited to wake up the next morning, knowing I’d get to write.

I was on a feel-good streak for quite a while. I was keeping my word and doing something consistently. But, as always, life had other plans.

Though I’d love to blame good ol’ “life just got busy,” I can’t totally do that for this one. The first week I slipped up and didn’t write was 100% my fault. I had written (subjectively, at least) a great piece on the lie that is digital privacy. It was different from my usual writing, and I was excited to put it out there. But the day before posting, I had one shred of doubt. My piece sounded too formal and stuffy. So I edited a few parts... Then a few more… And each time I touched it, it would just get worse. Four hours later, the whole damn thing was just awful.

To make matters worse, I neglected to make backups and there is no undo button on my editor (lesson learned). I just had an amalgamation of words that lost all structure.

Frustrated, I slammed my laptop shut and told myself I’d fix it in the morning. Alas… the morning came and I didn’t even look at it. A day passed, then two, then three, then a week. Before I knew it, I had broken my streak.

That should’ve bothered me more. But it didn’t. Some part of me was… okay with it? Not in a dismissive, “I don’t care” way, but in a “this isn’t the end of the world” way if that makes sense. And that, above all else, bothered me. I should have been scrambling to get back on track, making up for lost time. After all, I had made a promise to myself. Instead, I just let the gap widen. And that’s what I’ve been turning over in my head for the past few weeks. What is it in me that is able to let go of commitments so easily?

Because it’s not just writing. I’ve done it with TikTok, with YouTube, with building the digital product I keep telling myself I’ll start. It’s like the second something feels difficult, I mentally shelve it, trusting that I’ll “come back to it” later. But later comes, and I don’t. And each time I do that, I reinforce the idea to my subconscious that my commitments don’t actually mean anything.

My relationship with discipline has always been avoidant. My shadow is that I hate that discipline requires work, that it’s uncomfortable. But I think it’s less about the discipline itself and more about how I handle discomfort. It’s not pain or exhaustion that gets me, it’s frustration and difficulty. The second I get a shred of challenge, my brain immediately looks for loopholes or means of escape.

The worst part is that I’m really good at justifying those loopholes. I tell myself “I’ll come back when I’m in the right mindset” or “I should let the idea breathe.” or “I need to be in the right creative flow.” But honestly, it’s all just a dressed-up excuse for “I don’t feel like being uncomfortable right now.”

It’s a pattern I’ve had for as long as I can remember, with strings that lead back to various parts of my childhood. I could sit here and psychoanalyze myself all day, but at the end of it, the reality is that I can be as self-aware as I want, but self-awareness doesn’t change anything unless I do something about it.

Maybe it’s a form of self-trust? Or maybe a lack thereof? Maybe I trust myself enough to know I’ll come back? But then I don’t. I just don’t show up for myself… which just reinforces to my subconscious that my commitments aren’t a priority.

Maybe it was perfectionism? If I had just posted the damn thing, even if it wasn’t exactly the way I wanted, I wouldn’t have broken my streak. But I didn’t… And for what? What was I even trying to avoid? My ego? Perhaps. It’s silly to think I derailed my entire piece for a few edits that no one but me would have noticed, all to meet some illusory standard that only I care about. No one else would have even noticed the difference.

But I noticed… And I know myself too well to pretend this was a one-off mistake. This is a pattern, but knowing that doesn’t make it any easier. Awareness doesn’t erase my instinct to avoid and hold off just a little longer. But if I keep waiting for things to feel “perfect” I’ll never get anywhere.

I don’t want to be someone who only stays committed when things feel easy. That’s not real commitment. It’s just convenience disguised as discipline. I made a promise to myself at the start of this year to stay on track always… Not just when motivation was high or things lined up perfectly, but also in moments when I don’t feel like it… when it would be so much easier to let it slip just a little further.

Can’t deny it though, it’s just so hard sometimes. But I guess that’s the point. If it were easy, there’d be nothing to overcome and nothing to be proud of on the other side, and everyone would do it.

So yeah, I’m back on track. No grand epiphany. No breakthrough. Just me deciding that I’m not going to let this slip any further. I said I’d do this, so I will. Simple as that.

I want to be someone who keeps their word. Not only to others, sure, but to myself. Because if I can’t trust myself to follow through on the things I claim to care about… What am I even doing?

Share

Thanks for reading JovianSol's Substack! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.