Being a 90s kid has turned me into a forever hopeful individual. "We can do it". "We can make it". "Work it through".

Time to admit not having a career I dreamed of turned out very frustrating for me. I still think about it. Is a career this important for me, though? Or do I simply enjoy not having the pressure of not "getting there"?

I don't know. Reaching the apex in any part of my life was necessary, the career was the easier path.

I once promised myself I wouldn't live for regrets. I tend not to think them over.. I just choose a direction and I swim until I arrive.

And it has been ok since this year. All of a sudden, I can't keep some regrets inside of me anymore — I want a fix. I don't want to be half happy. Half secure. Half realized. I want it all.

Finding out what truly makes me happy has always been a challenge and if you read earlier posts, you'll see i've already questioned: Can I be happy? Can I feel happiness?

Such feeling tends to be so abstract it's hard to define. At least for me..

I've already paid the price to "have it all", and there's nothing wrong with it as it was my main goal. Now that I see the finish line, I feel like not going forward anymore.

Safe choices have brought me far, but not fulfilled. Shouldn't life be more than meeting goals? reaching targets?

I want to escape survival mode.

Not wanting to go forward has taught me more than the decades running there. It reveals the truth within. What I've been looking for, but seemed to never find.

Making hard calls was always the cue for me to keep going indiscriminately. It's very weird not to feel this weight anymore.

The dreams I had 5 months ago aren't mine anymore. I want to change the route.

Can you imagine acquiring a lifetime debt just to find out you should have thought it slower?

Worse. Can you imagine yourself convincing someone that entered that boat with you, that you're not insane? In fact, you've never been more lucid?

This is where I'm at. And I have enough time to make sure my next call is better.

"So do you know what you want?" Well, I know what I don't want. And that's a good starting point for me.

Regrets aren't as disrespectful to my own life as I thought they were.