*WARNING* This is not light reading. This is me sharing my current experience in it’s entirety and I fully understand and respect anyone who does not have the capacity to read it at this time.

I debated writing this for quite a while. It’s been on my mind and on my heart but truthfully, I just couldn’t bring myself to put the right words together. For one, I don’t consider myself inherently confrontational. I don’t enjoy conflict, but I also am never one to not speak up when I feel I’m being wronged. Even with that in mind I didn’t want to speak out of emotion. I didn’t want to say the wrong thing. I didn’t want to draw attention to myself. I didn’t want sympathy. I didn’t want to even think about it. But I am tired. I am hurting. And the truth is, isolating myself doesn’t make it any easier.

There’s nothing admirable about suffering in silence. And there’s nothing wrong with saying “I’m not ok”.

And I am not ok.

So let’s talk about it…

There’s a quote my mom used to always reference and I thought of it as I sat down to write this…

‘Before you speak, let your words pass through the three gates: Is it kind? Is it necessary? Is it true?’

I can confidently answer yes to all three of these questions. I have no ill intentions or desire to cause harm with these words. I am living and operating from a space of kindness, and my words are 100% true and 100% necessary. For myself. For my children. For men. For fathers. And for anyone struggling to find sunshine in the rain.

If you know me you know that I have no issue sharing my struggles along with my triumphs. I think that sometimes our perception of social media can work against us when we are not willing to just be real with ourselves. I know a lot of you personally. Whether we are friends, family, acquaintances, etc. I try to never dismiss the fact that we are real people with real lives behind these phone screens. I know we tend to show our highlights for validation but it’s the hard times where we really need each other the most. And when I asked myself why would I write something with the intent to share it, that was the conclusion I arrived at: I need you.

I want to start this off by taking accountability for my own actions. I am not perfect. I am not a saint. I have made mistakes as a man, a partner, a father, and as a human being. I am still healing. I am still learning. I am still growing. And that journey is not finished. I have the rest of my life ahead of me but all I can do is to continue to take it one step at a time and to live in truth.

One of the biggest struggles for me has been self worth. Not only wrestling with the idea that I’m not good enough, but also questioning the extent of my consequences. If I’ve ever told a lie, do I deserve to be lied to? If I’ve ever been the cause of pain in another, do I deserve to feel pain? And the answer is no. Although every action warrants a consequence, every human being deserves to be treated with respect. To be loved. To be told the truth. It’s so easy to get lost in the constant battle of revenge that we sometimes forget our own essence. I have been guilty of this at times as well.

So it’s with this understanding that I share what I am about to share. To bring awareness. To lead by example and show not only my sons, but anyone else who may ever come across this that there is always hope. To break the cycle of suffering in silence. To stand up for myself. To allow myself the love and support that I know I deserve.

Now…

Towards the beginning of August of this year I brought up the idea of moving to Utah (from California) to the mother of my children. Long story short, finances had been rough for both of us and it seemed like the best idea at the time. We had spoken about it before in the past (her idea originally), and even went so far as to put a plan into motion but we ultimately decided against it because we could not decide on moving back to either California or Atlanta afterwards. Although I suggested Atlanta could be amazing for our boys, I have always expressed my love for California. Not once have I ever agreed to or given the impression that I would settle down anywhere but California. Ever.

It was a hectic time and obviously with a move this substantial it was important for us to come to an agreement on what this would all look like before moving forward. Here were the details:

1. First and foremost we would be living together. As untraditional as that may sound, it simply made the most sense. Neither of us had any intention of reconciling our relationship, but it would allow us to co-parent more efficiently and be mutually beneficial in terms of finances. We would be moving into a three bedroom apartment where I would have a room, the boys would have a room, and she would have a room. We would split our living expenses and focus on saving money with the intent of moving back to California once our finances were in order. We wouldn’t have to worry about child care because I work from home and we would still have the freedom to do our own thing on our days.

2. We would be maintaining our schedule. From the time we split in November 2020 we have had close to 50/50 custody of our boys with me taking a bit more of the share due to her work schedule and me working from home. We would be maintaining our day to day schedule so that we were both able to continue working.

3. We would eventually be moving back to California. As I mentioned before, it has and always will be my goal to raise my sons in California. Our friends are here. Our family is here. Our support system is here. We both understood that the boys are the priority so we agreed that we wouldn’t move them during the school year. However, with finances being the goal I understood the potential downfall of leaving things too open ended. If I said “I have enough money to move back to California” and she didn’t, that could essentially be the end of the conversation - and vice versa. With that in mind we both agreed that in addition to finishing the school year, we would have 90 days to come up with the finances once either of us were financially ready to move.

Let’s stop here because I’d like to point out a few things:

1. This all (even now) made the most sense for US. I was terrified of leaving California, and if you know me you know how I feel about Utah and moving in general. But I did it FOR MY FAMILY and I have no regrets.

2. I’m not here to prove anything to anyone or to paint myself out to be without faults but I swear on my children’s lives that what you have read thus far, and what you will continue to read is the truth. Not my truth, not her truth, THE truth.

Moving on…

I was moving from a two bedroom apartment and she was moving from her parents house so she went ahead of me while I packed my things up. I had Covid at the time so it was a bit tricky but I ended up heading out to Utah about a week later.

From the night that I got there things just felt off. I felt like I was invading someone’s space, even though this was my home as well. I didn’t feel welcome. The very first day after moving all of my things into the apartment we got into a disagreement while we were out running errands. Rather than communicate about it, she stated that she was going to get food and dropped myself and the boys off at the apartment and didn’t come back for 5 hours. First red flag.

Keep in mind that I not only had Covid, I was also running off 4 hours of sleep after a 13 hour drive and had communicated that I needed to take a nap after we got home as we had just unloaded an entire U-haul containing everything from my apartment earlier that morning. Not the end of the world but I definitely found it strange considering we were in a brand new state and city.

I found out a few days later that she had taken on an entirely new work schedule without speaking to me about it. Obviously we are both adults, we don’t need to ask permission to work. However, when we have maintained a consistent custody schedule for the past 2 years (based on OUR schedules) I do feel it’s common courtesy to at least give the other party a heads up especially when that was not what we agreed upon. Second red flag.

The third red flag came when my oldest son mentioned “hanging out at ( )’s house.” Just out of curiosity I asked her who he was talking about. Again, we are in a brand new state and city. She told me that she met him through her church friends when she got out to Utah and that he had helped her move some of her things into the apartment. I would later find out that this was a lie and that they had been speaking for months before we moved to Utah. That was also who she was with when she chose not to communicate previously and leave for 5 hours.

The final red flag came a few days later. I was feeling lost. I felt like I was being treated and spoken to in a way that was rude and dismissive and didn’t understand why. So I addressed it.

From that moment it seemed like things started to go downhill. She began making comments that “we are only having problems because we are living together” and that after finding out about her new relationship “I was being controlling of who she dates”.

I’d like to stop right here.

Because this a major piece for me and something I want to highlight. This is (by definition) gaslighting. This is (by definition) manipulation.

I have NEVER stood in the way of the mother of my children pursuing a new relationship. Ever. Any concern I ever expressed was based on our children’s well being and that is the truth. If we agreed to return back to California, yet within WEEKS of us arriving in Utah you are pursuing a relationship with a divorced father of two that is unable to leave the state I am not in the wrong for expressing concern. I am not controlling for expressing concern. I am simply expressing concern. And it turns out that my concerns were valid.

This is a pattern of manipulation I have seen time and time again not only in my own life but with others as well. And the excuse seems to always be the same. “I was scared of how you would react”. It’s such an avoidant way of operating in my opinion because it eliminates accountability. If you can make it seem like someone is prone to overreacting, somehow you are no longer responsible for telling the truth, and that doesn’t sit right with me.

She claimed that “we had no agreement to come back to California”, and that it was just “something we had talked about”. Again, I’m not here to plead my case but I will say… this is 100% a lie. Even under the financial stress I would never have agreed to move to Utah with no guarantee of coming back. I have ZERO family, ZERO friends, and ZERO support. So draw your own conclusions there.

I started to understand exactly what was happening. This was planned. And I was terrified. The “maybe this isn’t a good idea” talks turned into “I don’t think we should live together”. Not only was I miserable in my own home, but there had been ZERO communication in regards to what things would look like moving forward. Just a brand new schedule, a brand new relationship, a brand new agreement (or lack thereof) and me just left to figure it out. It was like we were just existing in this false reality with no future. So in my mind I had two choices:

1. I could try and move into my own apartment in Utah and potentially risk never getting my children back to California.

2. I could move back to California and fight this.

I chose the latter of the two. And it was without a doubt the most difficult decision I’ve ever had to make. I love my sons with my entire heart. And I love their mother as well. It’s not in my nature to stand in the way of someone’s happiness, but this felt wrong.

I have a ton of feelings about all of this and many things I want to say but it’s important to me to just stick to the facts.

The fact is, we did have an agreement and I was lied to. And again, I’m not here to cause problems. But this is my life and my children we are talking about. I don’t “have kids” I AM A FATHER. I AM AN ACTIVE PARTICIPANT IN MY CHILDREN’S LIVES. And I will fight for them no matter what. I have reached out on numerous occasions to try and establish some sort of game plan that is fair and most beneficial for our boys, to no avail.

So not only did I spend thousands of dollars to move out to Utah (and back), I have now had to hire a lawyer to file for formal custody of my children and will be fighting this legally.

I know I’m not perfect. But I also love myself enough to know what I do and do not deserve. All that I expect is the truth. That’s it. This entire situation could have been avoided had there just been honesty.

So to the mother of my children… If you are reading this, please know. Even with all of the lies you have told to create the life you are living, I don’t hate you. I am not responsible for ensuring that karma finds you. There are many things I could have said out of emotion but the reality is our words live forever, and the truth is enough. Long after our boys become men, these words will be here. And this is not for you, this is for them.

I want to show my sons that you don’t have to hurt others to get what you want. I want to show my sons that the right thing and the easiest thing are rarely the same. I want to show my sons that the truth will always set you free. I want to show my sons that men don’t have to suffer in silence. Men can be honest. Men can be vulnerable. I want to show my sons that regardless of whatever happens I will always stand up for them. I will always be here. And I will always keep fighting.

I know this was a lot to read and probably even more to digest, but it was important for me to provide context for this situation. So when I say I need you, I want each of you to understand that I mean that in any capacity you are able to show up. It’s not necessarily money, it’s not necessarily words, sometimes it’s just love and presence of mind.

I am a musician, so when I considered how to share my story and offer a way to potentially support, it was important to me to give my offering to the world as well. So it’s with that understanding that I share my latest release ‘Breaking The Cycle’.

https://www.sound.xyz/milesryanharris/breaking-the-cycle

It’s available for presale now at .02 ETH and will be available for public sale on October 24th at 2:00pm PST for .03 ETH. If you are able to pick up an edition, please do. And if not, please understand that it is not indicative of your love and support. Reach out, say hi, send a heart, share the song, whatever you have the capacity to do.

This article is also available to collect as an NFT.

All love, always.

MRH

*WARNING* This is not light reading. This is me sharing my current experience in it’s entirety and I fully understand and respect anyone who does not have the capacity to read it at this time.

I debated writing this for quite a while. It’s been on my mind and on my heart but truthfully, I just couldn’t bring myself to put the right words together. For one, I don’t consider myself inherently confrontational. I don’t enjoy conflict, but I also am never one to not speak up when I feel I’m being wronged. Even with that in mind I didn’t want to speak out of emotion. I didn’t want to say the wrong thing. I didn’t want to draw attention to myself. I didn’t want sympathy. I didn’t want to even think about it. But I am tired. I am hurting. And the truth is, isolating myself doesn’t make it any easier.

There’s nothing admirable about suffering in silence. And there’s nothing wrong with saying “I’m not ok”.

And I am not ok.

So let’s talk about it…

There’s a quote my mom used to always reference and I thought of it as I sat down to write this…

‘Before you speak, let your words pass through the three gates: Is it kind? Is it necessary? Is it true?’

I can confidently answer yes to all three of these questions. I have no ill intentions or desire to cause harm with these words. I am living and operating from a space of kindness, and my words are 100% true and 100% necessary. For myself. For my children. For men. For fathers. And for anyone struggling to find sunshine in the rain.

If you know me you know that I have no issue sharing my struggles along with my triumphs. I think that sometimes our perception of social media can work against us when we are not willing to just be real with ourselves. I know a lot of you personally. Whether we are friends, family, acquaintances, etc. I try to never dismiss the fact that we are real people with real lives behind these phone screens. I know we tend to show our highlights for validation but it’s the hard times where we really need each other the most. And when I asked myself why would I write something with the intent to share it, that was the conclusion I arrived at: I need you.

I want to start this off by taking accountability for my own actions. I am not perfect. I am not a saint. I have made mistakes as a man, a partner, a father, and as a human being. I am still healing. I am still learning. I am still growing. And that journey is not finished. I have the rest of my life ahead of me but all I can do is to continue to take it one step at a time and to live in truth.

One of the biggest struggles for me has been self worth. Not only wrestling with the idea that I’m not good enough, but also questioning the extent of my consequences. If I’ve ever told a lie, do I deserve to be lied to? If I’ve ever been the cause of pain in another, do I deserve to feel pain? And the answer is no. Although every action warrants a consequence, every human being deserves to be treated with respect. To be loved. To be told the truth. It’s so easy to get lost in the constant battle of revenge that we sometimes forget our own essence. I have been guilty of this at times as well.

So it’s with this understanding that I share what I am about to share. To bring awareness. To lead by example and show not only my sons, but anyone else who may ever come across this that there is always hope. To break the cycle of suffering in silence. To stand up for myself. To allow myself the love and support that I know I deserve.

Now…

Towards the beginning of August of this year I brought up the idea of moving to Utah (from California) to the mother of my children. Long story short, finances had been rough for both of us and it seemed like the best idea at the time. We had spoken about it before in the past (her idea originally), and even went so far as to put a plan into motion but we ultimately decided against it because we could not decide on moving back to either California or Atlanta afterwards. Although I suggested Atlanta could be amazing for our boys, I have always expressed my love for California. Not once have I ever agreed to or given the impression that I would settle down anywhere but California. Ever.

It was a hectic time and obviously with a move this substantial it was important for us to come to an agreement on what this would all look like before moving forward. Here were the details:

1. First and foremost we would be living together. As untraditional as that may sound, it simply made the most sense. Neither of us had any intention of reconciling our relationship, but it would allow us to co-parent more efficiently and be mutually beneficial in terms of finances. We would be moving into a three bedroom apartment where I would have a room, the boys would have a room, and she would have a room. We would split our living expenses and focus on saving money with the intent of moving back to California once our finances were in order. We wouldn’t have to worry about child care because I work from home and we would still have the freedom to do our own thing on our days.

2. We would be maintaining our schedule. From the time we split in November 2020 we have had close to 50/50 custody of our boys with me taking a bit more of the share due to her work schedule and me working from home. We would be maintaining our day to day schedule so that we were both able to continue working.

3. We would eventually be moving back to California. As I mentioned before, it has and always will be my goal to raise my sons in California. Our friends are here. Our family is here. Our support system is here. We both understood that the boys are the priority so we agreed that we wouldn’t move them during the school year. However, with finances being the goal I understood the potential downfall of leaving things too open ended. If I said “I have enough money to move back to California” and she didn’t, that could essentially be the end of the conversation - and vice versa. With that in mind we both agreed that in addition to finishing the school year, we would have 90 days to come up with the finances once either of us were financially ready to move.

Let’s stop here because I’d like to point out a few things:

1. This all (even now) made the most sense for US. I was terrified of leaving California, and if you know me you know how I feel about Utah and moving in general. But I did it FOR MY FAMILY and I have no regrets.

2. I’m not here to prove anything to anyone or to paint myself out to be without faults but I swear on my children’s lives that what you have read thus far, and what you will continue to read is the truth. Not my truth, not her truth, THE truth.

Moving on…

I was moving from a two bedroom apartment and she was moving from her parents house so she went ahead of me while I packed my things up. I had Covid at the time so it was a bit tricky but I ended up heading out to Utah about a week later.

From the night that I got there things just felt off. I felt like I was invading someone’s space, even though this was my home as well. I didn’t feel welcome. The very first day after moving all of my things into the apartment we got into a disagreement while we were out running errands. Rather than communicate about it, she stated that she was going to get food and dropped myself and the boys off at the apartment and didn’t come back for 5 hours. First red flag.

Keep in mind that I not only had Covid, I was also running off 4 hours of sleep after a 13 hour drive and had communicated that I needed to take a nap after we got home as we had just unloaded an entire U-haul containing everything from my apartment earlier that morning. Not the end of the world but I definitely found it strange considering we were in a brand new state and city.

I found out a few days later that she had taken on an entirely new work schedule without speaking to me about it. Obviously we are both adults, we don’t need to ask permission to work. However, when we have maintained a consistent custody schedule for the past 2 years (based on OUR schedules) I do feel it’s common courtesy to at least give the other party a heads up especially when that was not what we agreed upon. Second red flag.

The third red flag came when my oldest son mentioned “hanging out at ( )’s house.” Just out of curiosity I asked her who he was talking about. Again, we are in a brand new state and city. She told me that she met him through her church friends when she got out to Utah and that he had helped her move some of her things into the apartment. I would later find out that this was a lie and that they had been speaking for months before we moved to Utah. That was also who she was with when she chose not to communicate previously and leave for 5 hours.

The final red flag came a few days later. I was feeling lost. I felt like I was being treated and spoken to in a way that was rude and dismissive and didn’t understand why. So I addressed it.

From that moment it seemed like things started to go downhill. She began making comments that “we are only having problems because we are living together” and that after finding out about her new relationship “I was being controlling of who she dates”.

I’d like to stop right here.

Because this a major piece for me and something I want to highlight. This is (by definition) gaslighting. This is (by definition) manipulation.

I have NEVER stood in the way of the mother of my children pursuing a new relationship. Ever. Any concern I ever expressed was based on our children’s well being and that is the truth. If we agreed to return back to California, yet within WEEKS of us arriving in Utah you are pursuing a relationship with a divorced father of two that is unable to leave the state I am not in the wrong for expressing concern. I am not controlling for expressing concern. I am simply expressing concern. And it turns out that my concerns were valid.

This is a pattern of manipulation I have seen time and time again not only in my own life but with others as well. And the excuse seems to always be the same. “I was scared of how you would react”. It’s such an avoidant way of operating in my opinion because it eliminates accountability. If you can make it seem like someone is prone to overreacting, somehow you are no longer responsible for telling the truth, and that doesn’t sit right with me.

She claimed that “we had no agreement to come back to California”, and that it was just “something we had talked about”. Again, I’m not here to plead my case but I will say… this is 100% a lie. Even under the financial stress I would never have agreed to move to Utah with no guarantee of coming back. I have ZERO family, ZERO friends, and ZERO support. So draw your own conclusions there.

I started to understand exactly what was happening. This was planned. And I was terrified. The “maybe this isn’t a good idea” talks turned into “I don’t think we should live together”. Not only was I miserable in my own home, but there had been ZERO communication in regards to what things would look like moving forward. Just a brand new schedule, a brand new relationship, a brand new agreement (or lack thereof) and me just left to figure it out. It was like we were just existing in this false reality with no future. So in my mind I had two choices:

1. I could try and move into my own apartment in Utah and potentially risk never getting my children back to California.

2. I could move back to California and fight this.

I chose the latter of the two. And it was without a doubt the most difficult decision I’ve ever had to make. I love my sons with my entire heart. And I love their mother as well. It’s not in my nature to stand in the way of someone’s happiness, but this felt wrong.

I have a ton of feelings about all of this and many things I want to say but it’s important to me to just stick to the facts.

The fact is, we did have an agreement and I was lied to. And again, I’m not here to cause problems. But this is my life and my children we are talking about. I don’t “have kids” I AM A FATHER. I AM AN ACTIVE PARTICIPANT IN MY CHILDREN’S LIVES. And I will fight for them no matter what. I have reached out on numerous occasions to try and establish some sort of game plan that is fair and most beneficial for our boys, to no avail.

So not only did I spend thousands of dollars to move out to Utah (and back), I have now had to hire a lawyer to file for formal custody of my children and will be fighting this legally.

I know I’m not perfect. But I also love myself enough to know what I do and do not deserve. All that I expect is the truth. That’s it. This entire situation could have been avoided had there just been honesty.

So to the mother of my children… If you are reading this, please know. Even with all of the lies you have told to create the life you are living, I don’t hate you. I am not responsible for ensuring that karma finds you. There are many things I could have said out of emotion but the reality is our words live forever, and the truth is enough. Long after our boys become men, these words will be here. And this is not for you, this is for them.

I want to show my sons that you don’t have to hurt others to get what you want. I want to show my sons that the right thing and the easiest thing are rarely the same. I want to show my sons that the truth will always set you free. I want to show my sons that men don’t have to suffer in silence. Men can be honest. Men can be vulnerable. I want to show my sons that regardless of whatever happens I will always stand up for them. I will always be here. And I will always keep fighting.

I know this was a lot to read and probably even more to digest, but it was important for me to provide context for this situation. So when I say I need you, I want each of you to understand that I mean that in any capacity you are able to show up. It’s not necessarily money, it’s not necessarily words, sometimes it’s just love and presence of mind.

I am a musician, so when I considered how to share my story and offer a way to potentially support, it was important to me to give my offering to the world as well. So it’s with that understanding that I share my latest release ‘Breaking The Cycle’.

https://www.sound.xyz/milesryanharris/breaking-the-cycle

It’s available for presale now at .02 ETH and will be available for public sale on October 24th at 2:00pm PST for .03 ETH. If you are able to pick up an edition, please do. And if not, please understand that it is not indicative of your love and support. Reach out, say hi, send a heart, share the song, whatever you have the capacity to do.

This article is also available to collect as an NFT.

All love, always.

MRH